Differences

I keep finding myself wanting to look for things for the nursery this time around and yet I hesitate. I hadn't wanted to find out the gender with Levi so I picked out neutral things but now... I keep thinking maybe it wouldn't hurt to buy some new bedding just for this baby... I bought everything intending that we use it for all of our babies, not just the first... and I hate the thought of wasting money on something when what I have is perfectly good... but still... I keep searching.

We'll be finding out the gender this time around too- I think that way mentally I can start thinking of this baby differently. I will be grateful no matter if it's a boy or girl... but part of me hopes that we're having a girl so I don't make more comparisons. I could make the room pink and frilly.

I'm really torn about things like showers. I didn't have one with Levi- it was planned for Sunday the 13th... we got the news that Wednesday the 9th... it got canceled. Part of me wants to feel the excitement and anticipation in the air... part of me fears that I'd have to look at gifts that fill an empty nursery. In that way I was lucky to not have had the shower yet. I didn't have as many things to pack up and struggle to look at and wonder what to do with. The crib got packed up while I was in the hospital (at my request). It had only actually been up for a week and I hadn't gotten the bedding washed so the room didn't feel like a nursery anyway.

This pregnancy is so similar and yet so different. There are physical differences... and I think the emotional ones are fairly obvious. But even with the emotions I've been amazed at how low my anxiety has remained (most of the time). The new job definitely helps because I have to stay focused and it's taking up time (though not so much that I'm not getting rest). I think the job helps, but the main thing keeping the panic attacks at a minimum is prayer.

I think part of me thinks if things are different, the outcome will be different... and yet I know there's little I can do to change that. As much as I want a living breathing baby I know I don't possess that type of power. I think part of me also wants to keep things different so that when this baby comes I'm better able to view this baby as a separate person. I don't want this baby living in Levi's shadow. I want them to know they are loved for who they are. I've said before waiting as long as we did really has been a good thing. In my mind we'd be having this baby even if Levi was still here- there would be an age gap a little over two years... but still... Levi will never be the big brother I long for him to be. I know too that I will be a different mother having had him.

Worthy?

Matthew 10:37-39
37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

It's interesting how things can change. I've read the verse before and pondered on it but it didn't hit home like it does now. We've been studying Joshua in Sunday School and I don't even know what connection they were trying to make with the verse in Matthew... and the person who shared the verse didn't go into any explanation of it either. She just kinda tossed it out there. But my mind focused on it the whole morning. (And since I'm writing this on a Tuesday you can see my mind has continued to dwell on it.)

When I'd read that verse before I always wanted to say I was worthy of Christ... not really worthy- I know I can never truly be worthy of the love and the sacrifice He made for me... but anyways... I wanted to be able to proclaim with conviction that Yes! I love Christ that much- more than my love for my parents- or love for my children. I didn't have children then though... I didn't know the deep love a parent has for their child. I know the depths now. And yet, as deep as my love for Levi is, my love for the Father and the Son is deeper.

That doesn't mean I haven't been angry- but my love has overcome the anger.

It doesn't mean I haven't wondered why- but my faith has let me go on without answers.

It doesn't mean I've been a perfect Christian- but His grace allows me to keep trying again.

It doesn't mean I don't love Levi- it just means I love Christ more.

I didn't really have a cross to bear before- I can follow Christ while still bearing the burden of my loss.

I still don't feel that I am worthy of Christ's love- but I'm glad He loves me anyway.

City of Refuge

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not.

I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made their own personal sacrifices and I'm sure they were deeply remorseful for the death of another. I'm guessing over the time they were there they were deeply changed... but when they were able to return to their homes had enough time passed for the other person's family to find forgiveness? Did they just steer clear of each other? Sometimes I think maybe it would be best that way and yet I don't like leaving things like that... I want the relationships to work. I want to erase the past pain and just move on... I want closure...

It's so strange. Time has passed and I want to fix the relationships that crumbled when I was broken, but I also want to let them know how much they hurt me and how much pain I still feel. Tommy tells me to keep my mouth shut, that it won't actually fix things, so I do. He's probably right. It would make me feel better for a little while... but probably not long. Chances are the relationship wouldn't heal from my venting. I try to focus on the blessings I do have and the people that have lifted me up and those should be enough for me... but I can't seem to help looking back. Sometimes though I am moving forward and they place themselves in the path I now walk and so I have to face them- caught off guard.

I've been able to pick up so many of the pieces that shattered when Levi died and put them back together as best as possible. I've found so much healing... this is an area I struggle in so much- I had a hard time letting things go before he died but even more so now. I will continue fighting the bitterness. I don't want to give in to it but I wonder how long this battle will last.

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news...

I went to the doctor today and got to hear that beautiful sound again. No pictures this time though but that's ok, I don't want to get too spoiled or anything :). (I learned I'll only be getting pictures from now on with the high risk Dr. & my next appointment with him isn't until mid Dec) The visit was short but he had gotten word back on the bloodwork. Everything came back normal. So... still no real answers about Levi's death and no answers as to why I'm itchy now (but the itchiness has gone down in severity some too so that's good). As far as the reasons though... the high risk doctor is ordering more tests later in the pregnancy (by his request- these aren't even tests I knew to demand- lol) and the regular OB is sending me to the dermatologist- which is good because I tried to make an appointment on my own and they aren't taking new patients but today guess what- I'm in. I guess they figure if another doctor thinks it's bad enough then I'm not just running there because I got a massive zit or something.

Sadly enough I could see some people doing that- me- I prefer to go to the doctor when it's necessary but (when not pregnant) once a year is about often enough for me to see a doctor of any type. I can't believe I'm about to admit this in writing but I haven't seen my general practitioner in about 5 years or so. We moved so much after marriage, so I went to a walk in clinic when I needed to for physicals or if I got sick and they never gave me the same doctor twice. Then we moved here after I was already pregnant and I went to the OB so much I figured I didn't need a GP... then after Levi died I didn't trust any doctor enough to go to them... sigh... I do like my current OB though a lot & I have heard some good things about different family doctors here... guess I'll have to start trusting them again at some point right?

It's kinda funny- I say I have a hard time trusting doctors, but my father in law is/was (he just retired) a well respected doctor in Tallahassee. What's even funnier is along the bottom of my chart is written in large letters "Dr. ____'s daughter in law". A few years ago that would have bothered me. I don't like to receive special treatment for who I am or what my last name is (maiden or married) but there are times I welcome it gladly. I will say though one of the reasons I chose this doctor was not just the recommendation from my MIL but also the recommendations from the support group. I think he truly treats all his patients well- particularly if they have had a loss- he's been very compassionate with others beside myself... BUT... if my FIL's status in the medical community will get extra attention in this pregnancy I'll take it.

It amazes me though... I drove an hour + each way to see the doctor today and I think I was seen by him a total of maybe 15 minutes. Though really time doesn't matter too much. Hearing the beautiful beating of the heart made the time in the car more than worth it. But it does seem a little funny to me- the amount of time in the waiting never equals the amount of time in the visits. I know I've mentioned this before but time is such a strange thing. It's hard to believe that I'm now done with the first trimester! Over 1/3 of this pregnancy is over. I feel like I've tried to enjoy each moment with this baby in case it's the only time I have and the days are still passing quickly. And yet, I want them to pass quickly- I want to fast forward to April when the baby is here. I'll still have things to worry about then, but I won't have to worry if my body will somehow turn on me- or rather turn on my baby.

Random thoughts

I'm getting back on track with my prayer life & time in God's word. I must confess... it's a little easier now that I'm in the New Testament. Don't get me wrong, the Old Testament is important and should be studied... I just find myself struggling through it each and every time. My husband on the other hand loves the Old Testament. He can remember the names and tribes and see all the connections. Not me.

Anyway... I don't really have much to say today. I still don't have any test results back. I knew ahead of time they'd take a while so the time doesn't have me worried at all. I go to the doctor on Wednesday so who knows- maybe they'll have heard and can explain everything to me then.

A discussion in one of my classes has made me realize once again that we never know what's gone on in people's lives behind the masks they wear. So many people have had so many trials & such heavy burdens to bear. Even though people know what I've been through I still find it hard to let people in and know what I'm really thinking and feeling. Will they still accept me? Will my burdens be too much for them? How do you break down those walls?

Liver... hold the onions

I am in a period of waiting right now. It seems that's always the case. I waited for healing (physical & emotional), I waited to get pregnant, I wait for this baby now. This waiting period is a struggle for me though looking back I can see some of the good that has come from the periods of waiting. I got bloodwork done yesterday and I'm waiting to find out the results. I don't even really know what results I want to hear but I know there's a good chance I'll grow anxious waiting anyways. Why am I waiting for bloodwork? I wrote the following on Tuesday but I wasn't ready to post it.

My mind and emotions have been racing all day. Early this morning I got a call from my mom. She was concerned about one of the strange symptoms I've been having. My whole body has been itchy- from head to toe. I feel like I'm allergic to myself. Yesterday was so bad I spent the day moving ice packs and cool rags to soothe my skin. I'd asked the doctor about it two weeks ago... but it wasn't quite as bad then. I also googled it and found out itchy skin is typical for some women during pregnancies... when my mom googled it though she found this. Apparently it could be a sign of a liver problem... that can cause stillbirths in the 37th week of pregnancy. I don't remember my skin itching at all with Levi but I know I didn't experience anything like this. The only thing is, the liver problem thing doesn't typically manifest itself until late in the second trimester at the earliest. Friday I'm asking for (ok... so I'll be more like demanding) bloodwork tests that aren't routinely done during pregnancies but will tell me if this is the problem. I'm sure they think I'm a hypochondriac at the doctor's office (I called my regular OB once already today) but I don't really care- and I promise the symptoms have come first and then I've searched for reasons and explanations.

It's been a hard day to say the least. I'd come to grips with not knowing the cause of Levi's death and now... if this was the cause why didn't I see any symptoms with him? Why did I have such a stupid doctor that didn't listen to the concerns I did have? Why will I be carrying a candle around Lake Ella in memory of him instead of taking him there to feed the geese stale bread? So many questions... so many tears today...

I don't know if I'd rather hear that everything is normal (but then still wonder about this extreme itching) or hear that I do have a liver problem but be able to take steps (and medication) that will solve this problem. I've calmed down since Tuesday. Before I ever saw the high risk dr. on Friday, my regular OB ordered the bloodwork tests to be done. That was reassuring in and of itself that he's taking all of my concerns seriously. Seeing our baby move on Friday also helped calm me down. I admit, I'm a little anxious before doctor's appointments because I fear that I'll hear the words again that they cannot detect a heartbeat. I've gone back and forth about renting a home Doppler kit. I'm a little afraid that I'll become obsessive with it. I'm also afraid that I'll put too much faith and trust in the machine rather than where it needs to be.

Psalm 5
1 Give ear to my words, O LORD,
consider my sighing.

2 Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.

3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.

I wait now in expectation. Expectation- that's another thing. I think I may have posted on it before so I won't go into everything here and now but it's interesting that we always say pregnant women are expecting. There is no guarantee of a baby at the end. I wait in expectation of a (live) baby but I also know that there are no guarantees. I can breathe a little easier passing the end of this first trimester and yet I was at the end of the third trimester with Levi and my expectations to carry my baby home from the hospital never came to pass. I pray this time that the Lord will hear my sighs and consider the requests I lay before Him and grant those requests.