Butterflies

My zinnias are overgrown. I was going to cut them down this weekend when I realized how many butterflies they attract. Overgrown as they may be, the zinnias stayed and I sat and thought of Levi and all the other babies gone too soon.

 

Same name- different story

I was going to post tonight about some musings from today and was surprised to see blog traffic from an unusual number of google searches for Levi Aron. I'm terrible about keeping up with the news and so I had no idea that I'd find what I did when I did a quick google search myself. Leiby Kletzky, age 8, was murdered by a 35 year old by the name of Levi Aron.


I felt saddened and sickened that now when people hear my son's name- for some it will cause anger and disgust.


My heart breaks for Leiby's family- I am so sorry for your loss.

Blindsided

I wasn't expecting it. One of my dear sweet friends announced she was moving, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me like it did. I knew it would be hard to see her go because she's really reached out to me since Levi died. I didn't even know her before his death but she made an effort to offer comfort and connect. Still though, it surprised me when I kept tearing up because that's just not my normal reaction. Then it hit me. Her youngest son is the only three year old boy I have really been able to watch grow up... and now he's gone too. I miss them.

Another space

I’ve reached a point that I feel that it is best to start a new blog. I’ll still be posting here occasionally. I’d always intended to just post in one place, reflecting how my life has changed after having Levi- both the pain and the joy. It gave me hope when reading others blogs that had been through trials and they came out stronger on the other side and I’d hoped this place could do the same for others. Lately though I’ve been seeing it differently. I still want people to come here and see the hope that things do get better, but I find myself holding back on some of the joy. I hesitate, wondering if I’m posting too many pictures of Madalyn, I waver on posting milestones she’s hitting. Madalyn will still be mentioned in some of my posts here, I am a different mother to her because of Levi and the two cannot be completely separated. But with that being said, I’m sorry if I caused anyone pain. If you would like to keep up with Madalyn, her new blog is http://hope535.blogspot.com/ .

Two worlds

I feel like I’ve got my feet in two worlds and I don’t always know how to handle it or balance it. I don’t always feel like I fit in with the mom group… I’m not a stay at home mom and yet I’m not working full time either. I don’t have the innocence that many of them have and can’t always relate to everything. Yet I feel like I don’t always feel like I fit in the loss community either. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or moved on now that I have a child but joy has come in the morning. I’ve recently met two women who lost their sons almost exactly three years after Levi died… it’s just so strange because at the same time I’m involved with forming a small group of moms through our church.

Two worlds and I’m in both… but not really. Where do I fit? What is my role? I feel like I’m not the right person in either case. I don’t know how apparent it is to other people- especially those that know me from the coffee shop- but I’m timid with new people. Inviting people to join in has been a big step out of my comfort zone and I’m making myself do it… but I’m still hesitant and feel apprehensive. I think I just fear rejection.

I feel like these grieving moms have been placed in my path for a reason too. With them I mainly fear talking too much and not listening enough… I also worry that I’m so far from the raw grief that perhaps they won’t feel as though I understand where they are now. It’s so surreal though, so many of the feelings and things they’ve said I could’ve used to describe myself at that time. I felt so alone in my grief at that time… I felt that I was the only one feeling that way… and yet now I can see clearly how similar grief can be. I hate thinking of it in stages because we’re people- not cases in a textbook- and yet I have gone though the stages- sometimes I’ll take one step forward and two steps back but still… it can be hard to see everything when your world has just crumbled.

Two worlds spinning in different directions…..

inevitable

I knew this day was inevitable... but still... to come just before Christmas was heart wrenching. In case I haven't mentioned it, Tommy is working at a funeral home now... the same funeral home we used for Levi. There have been times that dropping in to take him lunch is very much a reminder of Levi's death. Just last week for example I needed a place to nurse Madalyn and one of the funeral directors offered the blue room (called that because of the wall color but fitting for other obvious reasons too). Thank you but no- that would be the room we viewed Levi in- I'm not interested in staring at the last place I saw his face while Madalyn eats. There have been difficult funerals too; most of the people have died after long fulfilling lives but a few young people died unexpectedly.

Yesterday though they got the first baby since Tommy started working there. Tommy had taken Madalyn out while I worked on his Christmas present and stopped by work to see about an unfinished project. They got the call while he was there but when his co worker told him they had a baby it didn't register. It didn't register when he told me either. He wanted me to put a kit together. Its always hard to do but normally I put them together and maybe find out the story later. This time I cried as I packed a blanket and wrote a note. This year I've heard from a few of the moms who have received the kits and my heart breaks for each of them... there are no words...


Madalyn has wanted to snuggle the past couple of days and I think after hearing the news I've needed those snuggles more than she did.