The depths of the soul

I've been reading the Psalms lately. It's interesting how experience can open one's eyes. I used to wonder why some of the Psalms were exclaiming the praises of God and others were wondering why God had forsaken them. I used to think King David was bi-polar... while he might have been I question that uneducated diagnosis and conclusion I was so quick to jump to. I didn't know any better then, now I realize the depths of his words. He knowingly sent a man to his death so that his infidelity wouldn't be discovered and then buried the child from that union. I'm sure that his heart was troubled during this time. He knew he was responsible for pain and sorrow. He'd had so many things going for him and in many ways he threw it all away. He still praised God for the blessings he had but cried out in the days of darkness.

I've never knowingly caused physical harm like this but I understand the complexities of emotions a little better now. I have great pain and sorrow over the death of my son... but I still have the joy that being a mother brought- even if it was so brief. I've had my moments of anger towards God... but I've also had moments where I feel His comfort and peace. I've had moments that I want the desires of my heart now... and moments where I desire God's will, in His time, not mine.

I know the psalms were written by different authors (and I believe the two I'm including have different authors but don't hold me to that) but they spoke to me so while they may not be a comparison of the same person's emotions & faith at different times, I still wanted to share them.

Psalm 113
1 Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

2 Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

5 Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

9 He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

After reading Psalm 113 my thoughts kept seeing the transition between the beginning and the end. God is worthy of our praise- all day long. Verses 7-9 don't show a different picture; they still depict a God worthy of praise- but they show that life isn't always perfect. Yes, it speaks of Him lifting up the poor and needy, but it doesn't say that they never had needs or hunger pains. How many days did they toil or go without a meal before they feasted with royalty? Yes, he settles the barren woman as a happy mother, but it says nothing of how long she longed for children. Did the children she later mothered come from her own womb or did was she a mother to the motherless? How long will I be barren before I am the happy mother of children? Do I even fall into that category? My womb has borne a child but yet I still feel barren. Despite hardships, the name of the Lord is to be praised. Even if I never bare a living, breathing child the name of the Lord is to be praised.

I've had hardships but I'm at a place now that I am praising the Lord. I still have moments that I struggle to trust as we try again but I'm able to see past my grief and see that the Lord is still enthroned on high.

Such a stark difference from Psalm 88. I've been there too in the past. My soul has been full of trouble and I've wondered if God has heard my cries for help. I've felt rejected by the Lord and viewed the darkness as my closest friend. I'm glad I'm not there now but the memories of that place have not yet faded from my mind.

Psalm 88
A song. A psalm of the Sons of Korah. For the director of music. According to mahalath leannoth. A maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.
1
O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.

2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.

4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah

11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction ?

12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.

14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.

16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.

17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.

18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

This week has found a different new set of emotions for me. I feel as though I passed the point of acceptance with Levi's death a little while ago. I'm not happy about it but it is what it is and I can't do anything to change it. I'm not feeling the anger or the deep sorrow (just the constant sorrow that I never expect to leave, nor do I want it to). I'm now in the place between grief over my son and trying to rein in my emotions in the struggle of trying again only to fail each month. I want to get excited with each two week wait but I don't want my hopes to be dashed against the rocks.

I understand these human emotions that can change in an instant, going one minute from praise and the next to feelings of abandonment. I better understand the depths of the soul (though I am still by no means an expert).

Two worlds

I was trying to explain the blogging thing to my aunt over the weekend. I understand where she's coming from, putting yourself out for the world to know isn't something that makes everyone comfortable- both from a reader's standpoint as well as the thought of someone sharing themselves with others. I've always viewed myself as an open book though and have always shared my thoughts (generally not until asked though) but I've never bared my soul like this before Levi died- particularly with total strangers.

Life is different now. I need the support from others that have been there and I try to let others know that they aren't alone either... I need to let those around me know how I'm doing (and sometimes it's hard to verbalize- you can ask my husband- when I write I can think my thoughts all the way through whereas when I talk at times I'll just babble)... I also want to record my thoughts for myself. This world has kept me going- and inspired me to do things in real life too. I don't always know how to bring the two worlds together though. I'm sometimes nervous sharing this part of me with people that know me in real life because it isn't always pretty and I'm not always perfect but I was just as nervous (if not more so) sharing the me in real life with someone online.

Our vacation concluded with a trip to Montgomery to meet Loni who I'd only ever known through her blog! I had so much fun!!!! I bribed my husband into driving with me with a trip to the Bass Pro Shops up there and we left him happily shopping while we sat and talked. We shared the stories of Levi and Maddox and while there were many differences there was an understanding & connection that I don't always feel with most people I'm around now. I'm getting there again though but it isn't the same.

I was a little nervous meeting her... would she be the same as the person I've pictured from her writing? Would I be who she imagined? I'm not sure what she thought about me but she's so nice & I'm glad I met her.

My nerves didn't last long though, we laughed and talked as if we were old friends and I quickly relaxed. I didn't have to explain many of my thoughts, fears and frustrations and we were able to talk about our children with ease the way many moms do. We swapped labor stories as new mothers would... but we understood the pain and complications that come when you already know your child has died. While we were there I taught Loni how to knit (she's a fast learner!) and we talked about the race she's planning. I'm really hoping to get to go & there might be a road trip in the works for some friends and I!!! (and if you live within driving distance of Birmingham, AL send me a message & let me know & maybe we can plan something :))The time passed too quickly and I found myself wishing I knew more about Maddox and the way she's changed the lives of those around her.

I need a vacation from my vacation with all the driving we did but it was so worth it to see everyone both new and old. My worlds came together a little bit more and I just let go and enjoyed myself. There was no collision, just more of a peaceful merger.

Gone... but not forgotten

This weekend has been a long one and we haven't finished our adventures so most likely I'll post again about it but wanted to share everything so far.

One thing I've really walked away from this weekend feeling is that Levi may be gone, but he certainly isn't forgotten. This was reinforced with each visit we made with friends and family. With our business being a small 'mom & pop' type operation it's hard (yet important) to take a break. We close after Christmas & closed up for Easter and decided to close up for most of the week of the 4th. The town we live in is small and it seems that most people are away on family vacations around the 4th anyways so... we try to make the most of the times when we know business will be slow anyway to get away and see our family too. Anyways- I say all that so you'll better understand why we drove all over the state in a matter of days. We left Bainbridge & headed down to my grandma in Clearwater, then my grandma in Gainesville followed by my friend in Jacksonville and later today we're heading to Montgomery to meet up with a new friend from this Blogland.

Visits to family since Levi died have been harder for me... I don't know exactly how to explain it- I'm sure many of you who have been there already understand... but it's sometimes harder seeing people infrequently than it is those you see on a daily basis even if the relationship to those infrequent visits is more important. I think part of the reason it's been harder for me is I want to show my family & friends I'm ok but at the same time I want to share my thoughts & feelings about Levi... yet I don't want to make them uncomfortable or dwell on him as the only topic of conversation- make sense??? Each time I've seen family has gotten easier though. This time around I felt my son was remembered and included...

My grandmas are both story tellers. In Clearwater you can always expect to hear the story about how my grandma and grandpa met, the story of their life in NY and what brought them back to FL, stories of my grandma's days as a soda jerk in her father's shop... I could go on, she rotates some in and out but you can count on hearing those tales of long ago. I love hearing the stories. I've tried getting her to elaborate on some of the stories but I can't get her to seem to... it hit me though- she shares the things that are most important. One of the stories she shares is about her parent's choice of cemeteries. My great grandmother lost a baby when she was eight months pregnant. I don't know if my grandma remembers the pregnancy or if she was too little but she still remembers that baby that died 80+ years ago. Her parents chose a cemetery for their child and then got plots for themselves. Their families were buried further away but they wanted their baby close and wanted to be buried nearby. I don't know any more details. I don't even know if the baby was a boy or girl or what it's name was... but still, I know that this baby is remembered still... even 80+ years later.

We left Clearwater and drove up to Gainesville to see my other grandma. She has a hard time telling stories now and most of the time there was spent talking to my aunt. We talked some about Levi but she also talked to me about a family she knows who lost their child years ago. Even though they aren't family, she still remembers their child... and the sisters that were born after her death still see her as part of the family, even though they never met.

The weekend continued with a friend's birthday and once again I felt reassured that while Levi is gone, he isn't forgotten. We stayed up late talking and catching up, some of the conversations were deeper, others were laughing at the mind numbing things on tv. I enjoyed the balance.

I'm glad we took some time to get away and see everyone(though I do feel slightly bad for my husband who just wanted time to relax who, when all is said and done, will have been drug over 1,000 miles). I wish we could have stayed longer and visited more with each person and there are many more things I could share about the trip... and it isn't even over yet!!!

One small step for man...

one giant leap for me!!! Last week I shared some of the ways I'd faced my fears and realized I was stronger than I thought... well the trend continued. There's a new couple in town and the wife has been coming into the coffee shop. Well... she invited me to her place for an open house so I went. Did I mention she's also pregnant and showing? (And for J. she drinks decaf so I didn't even have to think about throwing bagels at her :))

I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was two years ago when we'd first moved.

The evening did have it's moments though... one of the conversations went like this...

Her: So, don't you guys have kids?
Me: Well... sort of...
Her: Sort of?
Me: It's complicated
Her: Complicated?
Me: I don't want to scare you.
(awkward silence)
Me: I was 37 weeks pregnant and my son died.
Her: Oh, I'm so sorry.
(awkward silence)

I thought about leaving shortly after that but I couldn't figure out my escape. My throat tightened but the tears didn't come and I'm glad I stayed. I'm terrible about praying during moments like that- I tend to react first and remember later that I should've prayed and sought guidance- but this time I called upon God in my time of need and He answered my prayer. I know it seems like such a minor thing but for me the evening was a significant step in the right direction.

I'm also glad that she knows now... I shared a little more about Levi after we both composed our thoughts and though I don't know exactly how comfortable she was with the conversation she didn't shy from it either- and being four months pregnant I have to give her a lot of credit for that too.

This has definitely given me the courage to take the next leap. One of my dear childhood friends is pregnant and her baby shower is coming up in a month or so. I've declined all invitations to showers up to this point but I think it's time... I'll let you know how it goes when it rolls around.

I almost forgot!! I went and talked to a civic group in town about the Hope for Tomorrow to get community support & they were great!! I was nervous going to talk to them but practiced with my husband and a friend and I think things went well. (You know how you're never sure how you sound to other people though- you don't think you're saying ummm... but they count it like a hundred times... yeah well, like I said, I think it went well but there's no telling how I actually sounded.) They might even be setting things up for me to talk to connected groups in surrounding towns to get things going in the local hospitals there too so I'm guessing I wasn't too bad :)

Psalm 34:4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

Under the Tree: June

If you've never participated in Under the Tree I recommend you joining us.

Thanks Mel & Carly for the questions!! I really don't have one answer to some of these but here they are:

Hair Color: Brown
Eye color: Brown
Profession: I own a coffee shop
Relationship status: Married

My Favorites:
Favorite color: ??? I tend to gravitate towards browns & black but I like blues & greens too
Favorite movie: It's really sad but I like Simon Burch (I haven't watched it in a while though- it might be too much for me now), I also love Jane Austin movies & can watch them repeatedly
Animal: ??? Elephants make me think of Levi... and my husband and I collect penguins (cause they mate for life and they're goofy little birds) but as far as animals I'd actually interact with I love horses... and there's Louie (but I'm not a total dog fanatic)
Favorite store: Ours- what can I say- I love our customers!!! Plus we tried to create an atmosphere we'd want to hang out in since we're here so much :)
Favorite childhood memory: humm... so many... we had a pond behind our house with a tiny island and I used to love going over there and having a mini adventure (I also had mini adventures building forts with my brother out of the couch cushions and used to love climbing trees)... I also love the memories of all the family vacations we've taken
Favorite hobby: I love photography & have darkroom equipment that a friend's father gave me but I haven't used it in a while (I was nervous about the chemicals when I was pregnant and since we want to get pregnant again didn't want to risk breathing everything in) I also enjoy most any crafty thing... scrapbooking, knitting... and I've added gardening to the list
Favorite song/singer: humm... I love Todd Agnew & the song My Jesus (there's a link at the bottom of my blog with the video- it's really moving) and I love Casting Crowns- If we are the Body
Favorite book/author: humm... I love Torey Hayden's books (One Child being my favorite) and any of Lee Strobel's books (The Case for Christ) growing up I loved all the Little House books, Anne of Green Gables and James Herriot
Favorite school subject: Math & English (sort of- I love reading & writing but my grammar and spelling stink!)
Favorite vacation destination: I really want to go to Australia but my husband doesn't want to go because he says there are too many things that can eat him there :) please convince him it isn't true Carly!!
Favorite food: it depends on the mood I'm in but I love most any food period :)
Favorite restaurant: Hopkins- it's this great little sandwich/salad place in Tallahassee- if you're in the area I highly recommend it!!

This or That
Coke or Pepsi : Coke
Beer or wine: No thanks
Coffee or tea: Sweet tea to drink- coffee to sell (shhh... don't tell)
Apple Juice or O.J.: OJ
Summer or Winter: Spring! (sorry that was cheating)
Cats or dogs: Dogs
Salty or sweet: Sweet
Plane or boat: Boat
Morning or night: I can do either once I get in the habit but with our shop I'm currently more for the morning
Money or love: Love!! <3
Breakfast or dinner: It depends on the mood- but sometimes it's breakfast for dinner
Forgiveness or revenge: I try to go for forgiveness but sometimes I have to fight the urge for revenge
House or apartment: house- though there are times I wish we rented
Like to cook: yes, but not the dishes that come with it

Have You Ever:
Got a speeding ticket: Yes
Wished you were someone else: Most of the time no, but there have been times...
Cried during a movie: Often
Describe yourself in one word: Human
Biggest fear: Losing another child
Biggest mistake: Not switching doctors in December
Your proudest accomplishment: ??? handling Levi's death as I have (on most days anyways)... I'm also really proud of the business
Dream job: I'm doing it... but I'd also love to go back to teaching one day and I really really really want to be a stay at home mom
Special talents: ???
Where would you rather be at the moment: ??? Most of the time I enjoy being wherever I am but I really wanted to stay in bed just a little longer
Famous person you want to meet: I used to think I'd love to meet Oprah but I'm not much of a fan anymore... now I'd love to meet Angie Smith (I know it's her husband that's technically considered the famous one but...)
Song to be played at your funeral: If I died today right now I'd want the songs Here I am Lord and Go Light Your World played.

Weed-n-feed

Monday I weeded the garden for an hour and a half ... and only got through about a third of it. It's just been too hot lately- the temperatures here have been in the triple digits but it needed to be done. I didn't want the weeds choking the plants out, plus it just wasn't looking all that pretty anymore. All my free time in the garden lately has been spent watering, the heat has dried everything out so that it's a daily need.

The garden... such a symbol of the soul.

I know I'm repeating myself on some things but when I go out to the garden and really spend time out there I feel like I can just see the scripture through new eyes and with new understanding. Forgive me if I bore you but I just can't help myself sometimes.

I've come to notice that hydrangeas are called that for a reason- the 'hydro' thing is so true- they suck up the water and look sad and droopy if they go a day without it.

I've noticed people are that way too.

Isaiah 1:30
You will be like an oak with fading leaves, like a garden without water.

A garden without water is such a sad thing. In this heat we missed just a couple of days and some of our plants look pathetic. Some will perk back up if I baby them back- coming back multiple times with water so it really has a chance to seep into the ground- not just run off. In my life I've had to ease back into quiet time with God... I was too angry early on... many verses just had no meaning to me at that point- they just ran off. Little by little I'm finding nourishment again but this heat can zap the energy quickly if you don't keep the waters flowing.

Some people have said they feel their relationship with God is at it's strongest when the heat in their lives is turned up... I don't know that I can say that's true for me- I've felt my faith has remained strong but there were times the relationship was a little one sided- but then there have been times in my life that things are going well and I haven't spent the time in prayer and God's word like I should either. I let the weeds choke out the plants.

Did I mention that I weeded for an hour and a half in the heat and only got a third of the garden done? Weeds seem to be drought resistant, they grow no matter what you do. Even some 'good' plants like grass needs to be pulled if they're growing in the wrong place. They choke the other plants out, they suck up all the nourishment needed for the flowers to bloom. There are things in life like this that may be good and harmless but in the wrong place they can keep us from blossoming.


(see my lovely big bucket of weeds in the middle- that was only a drop!)

Weeds can also be tricky little suckers. When some are first coming up it's hard to tell if they're weeds or new shoots of the planted seeds. There's a balancing act between just sitting back and seeing the growth that transpires to make sure it's a weed and not a plant and yanking the weeds before their roots really take hold. I'm getting better at knowing the difference right away. Again, can't life be like that- there are things that look like positive growth so we allow habits to form... only to discover that we now have a bad habit that we have to break.

Isaiah 61:11
For as the soil makes the sprout come up and a garden causes seeds to grow, so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness and praise spring up before all nations.

If you look closely at the picture above you'll notice that the yellow flowers on the left are quite a bit larger than the flowers on the right. They were planted at exactly the same time. I'm not sure if the soil conditions are that much different less than a foot apart or if I didn't loosen the roots enough or what the determining factor is but there's no denying that there is indeed a difference. I don't know why people's walks of faith are different when given similar situations, I don't know why there are times I question and other times I just trust, I don't know why but we all grow differently... but, hopefully at least, we're all growing. I'm grateful for the following verses because it's comforting knowing that as much of a control freak as I am, I am not in control.

1 Corinthians 3:5-7 (New International Version)

5What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. 6I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. 7So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

I can't force the plants on the right to grow to the same size as those on the left, I can't take growth from one to give to the other so things look equal, I planted them and am obedient in watering them (and try to be diligent about weeding them) but the rest isn't up to me. My life is the same way, sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I should be in a different spiritual place or a different emotional state but I need to remember that it's my job to be obedient in seeking God and let God take care of my heart.

If you've gotten this far I thank you for putting up with my garden analogies... I can't end this post without including John 15 though... I'll let it speak for itself (I think the Jesus is more than capable of that).


John 15
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other.



thanks for the love you guys have shown to me on this journey!!