Differences

I keep finding myself wanting to look for things for the nursery this time around and yet I hesitate. I hadn't wanted to find out the gender with Levi so I picked out neutral things but now... I keep thinking maybe it wouldn't hurt to buy some new bedding just for this baby... I bought everything intending that we use it for all of our babies, not just the first... and I hate the thought of wasting money on something when what I have is perfectly good... but still... I keep searching.

We'll be finding out the gender this time around too- I think that way mentally I can start thinking of this baby differently. I will be grateful no matter if it's a boy or girl... but part of me hopes that we're having a girl so I don't make more comparisons. I could make the room pink and frilly.

I'm really torn about things like showers. I didn't have one with Levi- it was planned for Sunday the 13th... we got the news that Wednesday the 9th... it got canceled. Part of me wants to feel the excitement and anticipation in the air... part of me fears that I'd have to look at gifts that fill an empty nursery. In that way I was lucky to not have had the shower yet. I didn't have as many things to pack up and struggle to look at and wonder what to do with. The crib got packed up while I was in the hospital (at my request). It had only actually been up for a week and I hadn't gotten the bedding washed so the room didn't feel like a nursery anyway.

This pregnancy is so similar and yet so different. There are physical differences... and I think the emotional ones are fairly obvious. But even with the emotions I've been amazed at how low my anxiety has remained (most of the time). The new job definitely helps because I have to stay focused and it's taking up time (though not so much that I'm not getting rest). I think the job helps, but the main thing keeping the panic attacks at a minimum is prayer.

I think part of me thinks if things are different, the outcome will be different... and yet I know there's little I can do to change that. As much as I want a living breathing baby I know I don't possess that type of power. I think part of me also wants to keep things different so that when this baby comes I'm better able to view this baby as a separate person. I don't want this baby living in Levi's shadow. I want them to know they are loved for who they are. I've said before waiting as long as we did really has been a good thing. In my mind we'd be having this baby even if Levi was still here- there would be an age gap a little over two years... but still... Levi will never be the big brother I long for him to be. I know too that I will be a different mother having had him.