This year I wasn't expecting to struggle with the 2nd but Tommy and I had already decided to take off the 9th-14th which turned out to be just what we needed. The 9th we went to some somewhat local gardens and just relaxed and enjoyed the time together without having to deal with people at all. I think because the day had started so well and Tommy had been so good to me I was able to cope with a friend's phone call with a strength that surprised me. She was due in March and so when I saw her name on caller ID I expected a call to check on me and make sure I was doing ok. The call I got was to let me know she'd just had her baby. I struggled on the phone because part of me wanted to scream and ask why she would be calling me with this news... the other part wanted to pray with her and ask for strength for her baby (she was 9 weeks early and just over 2 lbs). I wish I could say that I prayed with her and shared my faith but I didn't... I didn't scream either so at least that's a good thing. After that we met up with a friend of mine to trade off. I went with her to Market in Atlanta and Tommy came home to work on a surprise for me in the garden.
Market accomplished just what I hoped it would. I stayed busy, was productive and didn't have to smile all the time. I also really enjoyed spending time with the friend that went with me. She's a relatively new friend but has been good at letting me cry on her shoulder if I need to or have alone time or just shoot the breeze about day to day stuff. She was also really good about trying to shield me from the vendors with lots of baby items for sale.
After market we got home and I was reminded once again what a loving husband I have. I know we've had our issues but he has really been good to me!!! Over the weekend he orchestrated the installation of a street light and gazebo/stone patio for the garden! I cried when I saw it all- in a way they were tears of joy- he told me that because he knew the first year would be so difficult he wanted to do as much as he could add good memories during January. Mission accomplished.
January 14th we spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing with our parents. In the morning before they came Tommy and I went out to the cemetery and decided to buy plants to take out instead of flowers so that we can put them in the garden later. There aren't too many plants that look good in January that could be had at our local nurseries but we finally decided on a holly plant and white camellias. The next day I started a new job so that's kept me busy since then.
This weekend a friend of mine came into town and we caught up. We've been friends since 3rd grade and while we've had differences in the past I feel blessed to call her my friend. She and her husband have struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss so she knows the pain we've experienced this year. It helps having a friend that's been down the same road but yet so hard knowing they have had to bear the burden themselves too. The weekend helped so much though- we laughed together and cried together- but I think the thing that I cherished the most is that we prayed together. I look at us now and wish that we could go back to the innocence we had in 3rd grade but so proud of the way we've dealt with the lives we're living.
Today I went to work and did fine there and then was reminded again of how wonderful my husband is. While most people were watching history in the making, we went out to the cemetery and thought back to the funeral a year ago. Tommy had already gone out to the cemetery and placed another plant (this one was actually in bloom) out there so there would be color and to perhaps brighten the day in the only way he can. The other thing that made the day a little easier was the package that arrived. I ordered some of the necklaces for the pregnancy loss kits and they arrived today. They're small but I like them- I hope the women receiving them will be touched by them. It's a heart with tiny feet inside.
I still have the 28th as my last hurdle to overcome and then there will be no more firsts without Levi- no first Mother's/Father's day, no first Easter or Christmas, no first year without him. I know I won't miss him any less during the 2nd's, 3rd's, etc but at least I'll be a little more prepared to handle it.
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