Easter is coming soon and with it my thoughts are of the cross and the sacrifice of a beloved first Son. It's interesting... in all of my anger towards God for Levi's death and our struggles in 2008, I don't recall any of my anger targeted towards Christ. How could I? My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did for me. He was battered and bruised- he hung on the cross and yet he still forgave. He knew the pain that was coming and while he didn't necessarily want to drink of it, he was willing to. I don't understand why God the Father asked his only Son to do this for us- I mean, He's God, He gets to make the rules right? So if sacrifice has to be made its because He made that the rule right? That was always my biggest hang-up in my faith- I didn't question the virgin birth or any of the miracles Jesus performed but I struggled with the fact that God intentionally sent Christ to die for us.
The summer I surrendered my life I was praying about this question and asked God why- why did His Son have to suffer and die for us? Why couldn't he find another way to bridge the gap between us- the mere mortals- and Him- the Almighty? In the still small voice, yet still unquestionably God, I felt the answer was no answer at all but rather the peace that it just had to be that way. Now, nearly eight years later I still don't understand the whys to many of the questions I still ask but that same peace comes to me and I try to remind myself that God is bigger and wiser and more loving than I could ever imagine and while it doesn't always feel that way I need to remember the peace He's given me and just trust.
Easter has a new meaning for me now though since the death of my own beloved first born son. I know too well the pain this loss entails. I don't know the pressures or doting that comes with being a firstborn from my own experience (I was a middle child). But I know the joy and excitement surrounding Levi- our firstborn- the fear came too- would we know what to do when he got here since we've never walked that path before- we've never had someone so helpless depend solely on us for their entire well being. Levi wasn't only our firstborn- he was the first grandchild on both sides and the first great grandchild on my sides.
Even God sets the firstborns apart (Exodus 13:1-2 "The Lord said to Moses, 'Consecrate to me every firstborn male. The first offspring of every womb among the Israelites belongs to me, whether man or animal.'") Early in the pregnancy I released control of my firstborn to God. I prayed that I would be a worthy mother but told God that I knew I only had guardianship duties while here on earth... I just never knew it would be for such a short time.
Despite dedicating this baby to God I still had hopes and dreams for this precious baby's life. I pictured him in the pulpit- I'd been drawn to the name Levi Aaron and thought perhaps God was telling me he'd minister to others. During the five days of labor after we'd gotten the news that his heart was not beating I prayed for a miracle but also prayed for God's will- whatever that might be- even if it meant to drink from this bitter cup.
Levi does not have an empty grave and my wounds did not heal in three days but it is because of the empty tomb that I have hope that I will see my son again!! I've wondered before how people that spent three years with Jesus could not recognize him as the risen Savior and had to touch his scars to believe. I understand this in a different way too since Levi's death... people still recognize me... but I feel as though few people truly know me- the changed me- since my scars have formed. I wonder if they were so lost in their grief that they were just barely getting by themselves and still in a foggy daze as I've found myself in so many days.
During this Easter season I think of God's firstborn Son who bore the burden of my sin and yet forgives, who willingly was pierced so that I may be free. I don't understand why God took my firstborn son or why He sacrificed His but I know that He is in control and am grateful for the peace that He gives me... it truly does pass all my understanding.
If you would ever like to know more about my relationship with either of these firstborn Sons in my life, please don't ever hesitate to ask.
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The summer I surrendered my life I was praying about this question and asked God why- why did His Son have to suffer and die for us? Why couldn't he find another way to bridge the gap between us- the mere mortals- and Him- the Almighty? In the still small voice, yet still unquestionably God, I felt the answer was no answer at all but rather the peace that it just had to be that way. Now, nearly eight years later I still don't understand the whys to many of the questions I still ask but that same peace comes to me and I try to remind myself that God is bigger and wiser and more loving than I could ever imagine and while it doesn't always feel that way I need to remember the peace He's given me and just trust.
Easter has a new meaning for me now though since the death of my own beloved first born son. I know too well the pain this loss entails. I don't know the pressures or doting that comes with being a firstborn from my own experience (I was a middle child). But I know the joy and excitement surrounding Levi- our firstborn- the fear came too- would we know what to do when he got here since we've never walked that path before- we've never had someone so helpless depend solely on us for their entire well being. Levi wasn't only our firstborn- he was the first grandchild on both sides and the first great grandchild on my sides.
Even God sets the firstborns apart (Exodus 13:1-2 "The Lord said to Moses, 'Consecrate to me every firstborn male. The first offspring of every womb among the Israelites belongs to me, whether man or animal.'") Early in the pregnancy I released control of my firstborn to God. I prayed that I would be a worthy mother but told God that I knew I only had guardianship duties while here on earth... I just never knew it would be for such a short time.
Despite dedicating this baby to God I still had hopes and dreams for this precious baby's life. I pictured him in the pulpit- I'd been drawn to the name Levi Aaron and thought perhaps God was telling me he'd minister to others. During the five days of labor after we'd gotten the news that his heart was not beating I prayed for a miracle but also prayed for God's will- whatever that might be- even if it meant to drink from this bitter cup.
Levi does not have an empty grave and my wounds did not heal in three days but it is because of the empty tomb that I have hope that I will see my son again!! I've wondered before how people that spent three years with Jesus could not recognize him as the risen Savior and had to touch his scars to believe. I understand this in a different way too since Levi's death... people still recognize me... but I feel as though few people truly know me- the changed me- since my scars have formed. I wonder if they were so lost in their grief that they were just barely getting by themselves and still in a foggy daze as I've found myself in so many days.
During this Easter season I think of God's firstborn Son who bore the burden of my sin and yet forgives, who willingly was pierced so that I may be free. I don't understand why God took my firstborn son or why He sacrificed His but I know that He is in control and am grateful for the peace that He gives me... it truly does pass all my understanding.
If you would ever like to know more about my relationship with either of these firstborn Sons in my life, please don't ever hesitate to ask.
<><
Comments
Holly
I cried when I read your blog - I too am from Georgia (Athens), and felt some kinship with you there. Then I saw the date that your precious Levi was born. On the same day that my son Nathan turned 23, you were having to let your son Levi go; it breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your loss.
Two and a half years ago, I too had to let one of my precious little ones go. My 19-year-old Merry Katherine was killed suddenly as she was on her way to the beach with friends; two of her friends were killed also; two friends survived. My world has completely stopped. To complicate our grief further, we were in the middle of "tough love" with her and didn't want her to go on this beach trip to start with. We are so thankful she knew her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and is safely in His arms today; we know she is alive with Him. As Jesus said, God is the God of the living, not the dead! Little Levi is alive today in the arms of Jesus! As is my precious Merry Katherine!
Our loving Lord has faithfully met me in my deepest grief and pain; He has met me as I have posed every question to Him, oft-times answering in ways I would not expect - which is so like Him! His thoughts really are much higher than mine, and His ways far beyond my understanding.
But He comes to hold me and to remind me that He lost His child too, and that He lost Him for my child so that she could come to Him in Heaven. Such love and sacrifice leaves me humbled and undone.
What love the Father has for each of us to make such a sacrifice, and to KNOW when He sent Him to us what was going to happen to Him. I cannot bear thinking that my Father had to go through what you and I are going through now, but worse. He KNEW the suffering He was sending Him into, and He KNEW He could stop it, but He didn't--for our sakes - mine and yours, and for Merry Katherine's sake, and for little Levi's sake.
May God be with you and hold you in your terrible loss; I am so glad you know Him, and know His love for you. And I am so glad that even now we know He holds our lambs, Merry Katherine and Levi in His arms, next to His heart. (Isaiah 40:11)
May God bless you and your family and continue to bring you His peace.
In His love and praying for you,
Angie