Tommy and I went to a wedding last night that I found to be a step in the right direction. I'm not much of a social butterfly... More of the wallflower type. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy being social... But I always feel like I'm bumbling and out of place- and that was before Levi died. Afterwards social events became even more stressful and we generally found excuses not to attend.
Something kept nudging me to go to the wedding last night though and I'm glad we did. I knew many of the other guests at the reception so there were no odd 'tell me about yourself' intros and I stuck by my husband's side letting him do most of the talking. I allowed myself to just enjoy the evening which alone seemed major to me but then something more miraculous occured.
We were standing near the dance floor when my husband jerked me to the other side of him and told me not to look in the area I'd been in. My first thoughts were that there must be babies or pregnant ladies (which I've been handling much better lately- I even enjoyed a conversation with a group of moms and their small kids recently) so I glanced despite the warning. My former OB was standing there. (I love the way my husband tries to protect me :)) I didn't make eye contact with him but Tommy said the doctor saw us before his wife pulled him away.
The tears started welling up but I managed to hold them back and pull myself together. I even got to the point of engaging in more conversation and enjoying it again. That's not the most miraculous part though- when I saw him I didn't feel the bitterness and hatred (still extreme dislike and anger) but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction towards forgiveness. I was also glad we stayed where we were and he waved the white flag of retreat. I've been praying for a more forgiving heart but I still struggle with it so I was grateful for last night's opportunity to see the progress I think I'm making.
Something kept nudging me to go to the wedding last night though and I'm glad we did. I knew many of the other guests at the reception so there were no odd 'tell me about yourself' intros and I stuck by my husband's side letting him do most of the talking. I allowed myself to just enjoy the evening which alone seemed major to me but then something more miraculous occured.
We were standing near the dance floor when my husband jerked me to the other side of him and told me not to look in the area I'd been in. My first thoughts were that there must be babies or pregnant ladies (which I've been handling much better lately- I even enjoyed a conversation with a group of moms and their small kids recently) so I glanced despite the warning. My former OB was standing there. (I love the way my husband tries to protect me :)) I didn't make eye contact with him but Tommy said the doctor saw us before his wife pulled him away.
The tears started welling up but I managed to hold them back and pull myself together. I even got to the point of engaging in more conversation and enjoying it again. That's not the most miraculous part though- when I saw him I didn't feel the bitterness and hatred (still extreme dislike and anger) but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction towards forgiveness. I was also glad we stayed where we were and he waved the white flag of retreat. I've been praying for a more forgiving heart but I still struggle with it so I was grateful for last night's opportunity to see the progress I think I'm making.
Comments
((((hugs))))