I started writing this last year and never really felt it was finished. I still feel it needs more but thought with mother's day coming up I'd share it.
For all the mothers longing to be moms....
I have the marks of a mother
I have the marks of a mother.
The stretch marks that resulted from my lack of cocoa butter. I’ve never been one to primp in the morning and having to open up the store as early as we did I always chose an extra minute or two of sleep rather than make up and lotions. Now I look at the marks and as unsightly as they are I’m glad they’re there; my stretch marks are a reminder of the time I had Levi with me.
I have the marks of a mother. I have the marks of a mother.
The weight gain that I can’t seem to get rid of post pregnancy. Most people say that you can drop it quickly after the first child but they burn extra calories nursing and pacing back and forth to lull a crying baby. They don’t indulge on comfort food as they barely have time to even eat. The weight of my breasts has made them sag and like the rest of me they no longer have a youthful appearance.
I have the marks of a mother.
The bags under my eyes from sleepless nights. My nights are spent thinking of what might have been. Days keep me busy but nights are when I realize how lonely the house is, how lonely I am.
I have the marks of a mother but I have no baby to hold close.
I have the marks of a mother... but I long to have the marks of a mom.
I'm doing better this year than last year leading up to Mother's day but still having trouble thinking about Sunday. I've already started snapping at my poor husband because I can only smile so much and I'm saving those for customers. I was talking to my mom last night and could feel the tremor in my voice as I told her my plans. Which by the way- I can't remember who passed this along to me but for anyone out there dreading Mother's day I recommend the following: Go to your nearest movie rental place on Saturday... rent as many light hearted movies as possible that don't include pregnancies or death... proceed to veg on the couch on Sunday watching one after another. I also spent some time in the garden and at the cemetery last year and plan on repeating it again this year. We've started going to church again but I don't think I can handle a service on Mother's day yet nor do I plan on eating out anywhere. Some people may feel that this avoidance of dealing with difficult days isn't healthy but I feel like I've seen enough Hallmark & FTD commercials leading up to Sunday that I've faced it head on enough and it's ok to give myself the day off.
Random thoughts- I find it ironic that the baby toothbrush I bought to keep my engagement ring nice and shiny (which no longer fits my finger since getting pregnant) I now use to clean under my fingernails after working in Levi's garden but will never brush Levi's first tooth.
The other day my husband pointed something out that I'd never thought of before. During pregnancy people are referred to as 'expecting'. They expect to have a baby in their arms at the end of those 40 weeks but there are no guarantees... we would have never thought about that term if our expectations were fulfilled.
For those other mothers longing to be moms- any other ideas for this Sunday to share?
For all the mothers longing to be moms....
I have the marks of a mother
I have the marks of a mother.
The stretch marks that resulted from my lack of cocoa butter. I’ve never been one to primp in the morning and having to open up the store as early as we did I always chose an extra minute or two of sleep rather than make up and lotions. Now I look at the marks and as unsightly as they are I’m glad they’re there; my stretch marks are a reminder of the time I had Levi with me.
I have the marks of a mother.
We can swap pregnancy and labor stories but no matter how much your back hurt or how much indigestion you had it makes no difference when your baby first smiles at you. You may talk about the 48 hours you endured the pain but my birth plan went out the window when no heartbeat was found. It was for my baby that I wasn't taking the pain meds, now there's nothing you can give me to make the heartache go away.
The weight gain that I can’t seem to get rid of post pregnancy. Most people say that you can drop it quickly after the first child but they burn extra calories nursing and pacing back and forth to lull a crying baby. They don’t indulge on comfort food as they barely have time to even eat. The weight of my breasts has made them sag and like the rest of me they no longer have a youthful appearance.
I have the marks of a mother.
The bags under my eyes from sleepless nights. My nights are spent thinking of what might have been. Days keep me busy but nights are when I realize how lonely the house is, how lonely I am.
I have the marks of a mother but I have no baby to hold close.
I have the marks of a mother... but I long to have the marks of a mom.
I'm doing better this year than last year leading up to Mother's day but still having trouble thinking about Sunday. I've already started snapping at my poor husband because I can only smile so much and I'm saving those for customers. I was talking to my mom last night and could feel the tremor in my voice as I told her my plans. Which by the way- I can't remember who passed this along to me but for anyone out there dreading Mother's day I recommend the following: Go to your nearest movie rental place on Saturday... rent as many light hearted movies as possible that don't include pregnancies or death... proceed to veg on the couch on Sunday watching one after another. I also spent some time in the garden and at the cemetery last year and plan on repeating it again this year. We've started going to church again but I don't think I can handle a service on Mother's day yet nor do I plan on eating out anywhere. Some people may feel that this avoidance of dealing with difficult days isn't healthy but I feel like I've seen enough Hallmark & FTD commercials leading up to Sunday that I've faced it head on enough and it's ok to give myself the day off.
Random thoughts- I find it ironic that the baby toothbrush I bought to keep my engagement ring nice and shiny (which no longer fits my finger since getting pregnant) I now use to clean under my fingernails after working in Levi's garden but will never brush Levi's first tooth.
The other day my husband pointed something out that I'd never thought of before. During pregnancy people are referred to as 'expecting'. They expect to have a baby in their arms at the end of those 40 weeks but there are no guarantees... we would have never thought about that term if our expectations were fulfilled.
For those other mothers longing to be moms- any other ideas for this Sunday to share?
Comments
And definitely avoid TV itself - the tear-jerking commercials are out, and they are EVIL. :x
See you Monday at group
Love, Tara
The Most Important Person on earth is a mother. She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral. She need not. She has built something more magnificent than any cathedral--a dwelling for an immortal soul, the tiny perfection of her baby's body...
The angels have not been blessed with such a grace. They cannot share in God's creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven. Only a human mother can. Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature; God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation...
What on God's good earth is more glorious than this: to be a mother!
-Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
I didn't want to think. I don't know why but it was exactly what I imagined and wanted....
Wishing you a lighthearted day...if possible....
Considering I've had many mournful Mother's Day's, I would probably say I've done it all. Vegging out, taking the day out for me, being with family and friends, sitting in church services balling my eyes out, etc....you name it I've probably done it. Honestly, sometimes I needed to be right where I was that day. This Sunday I'll be spending with my family at church. I'm not sure how I'm going to be handling it. I know my husband will be with me this year. I know that I WILL hurt and I WILL miss all my babies. But I know that I AM able to go through the day and pass to the next; not because I'm anything special, but because God comforts me and carries me through these days.
My hardest struggle with Mother's Day is the fact that because I've never given birth to a live baby, I'm not necessarily considered a mother. But I AM a mother and so are you. No matter what others say or how they treat us, no one can take away the fact that a dear baby grew inside of us. I do long to be a mom though, just as you described in this post. And I believe that one day God is going to give me that.