I haven't worked on my scrapbook in two years and pulled it out again this weekend. It was odd sorting through pictures trying to get things organized. In them I saw the me I used to know. The one who moved to Idaho just to have a new experience... Not the one who is now timid about doing something new. I saw the girl who was fit and skinny... Not the one who now understands the need for elastic (though I haven't gone there with jeans- just sweats). I saw the old me who tried so hard to fit in... Not the one who now knows none of us really do- we just have to live in harmony the best we can.
It was so odd going through my old life- I didn't realize then how good it was. I fussed at my husband over relatively small stuff- though to me it seemed big at the time. I took it personally when my students didn't do as well as I'd hoped- though now I know for those that had other things going on in their young lives were probably doing the best they could at that moment. I took most people for the persona they showed on the surface not realizing the pain they may have been dealing with inside.
I don't want to abandon the entire person I once was for this new normal. I am still me.
Someone posted a while ago about not being defined by their baby's death and I pondered on that for a while. I tend to agree and disagree. There are many words with multiple meanings and definitions- Levi is a part of my life that will forever effect my thoughts and actions- even if it isn't always on a conscious level. I don't however want "Levi's mom" or "grieving mother" to be my only definition. I am more than just that. I want to use my newer experiences to make the old me more... More compassionate... More concerned with people than objects... More able to enjoy the moment I'm in... More able to be someone people turn to because they'll know I'll understand... More concerned with God's approval rather than man's...
It was a good reminder to go back through my life in pictures. I'm glad to see myself becoming more than I was.
How do you now define yourself? What have been defining moments in your lives?
It was so odd going through my old life- I didn't realize then how good it was. I fussed at my husband over relatively small stuff- though to me it seemed big at the time. I took it personally when my students didn't do as well as I'd hoped- though now I know for those that had other things going on in their young lives were probably doing the best they could at that moment. I took most people for the persona they showed on the surface not realizing the pain they may have been dealing with inside.
I don't want to abandon the entire person I once was for this new normal. I am still me.
Someone posted a while ago about not being defined by their baby's death and I pondered on that for a while. I tend to agree and disagree. There are many words with multiple meanings and definitions- Levi is a part of my life that will forever effect my thoughts and actions- even if it isn't always on a conscious level. I don't however want "Levi's mom" or "grieving mother" to be my only definition. I am more than just that. I want to use my newer experiences to make the old me more... More compassionate... More concerned with people than objects... More able to enjoy the moment I'm in... More able to be someone people turn to because they'll know I'll understand... More concerned with God's approval rather than man's...
It was a good reminder to go back through my life in pictures. I'm glad to see myself becoming more than I was.
How do you now define yourself? What have been defining moments in your lives?
Comments
Thank you for your post. The question you ask, is one I can't answer, and I am troubled by it. This question has been with me for some time now. I started to see a counsellor last summer and it was my opening question. I think within your question I find the fundamentals of belief, purpose, calling.
Who am I? What am I here for? Sometimes I think I have the answers. Today, I don't...
I think loosing a child, when it is an only child you loose, you grieve more than your child, you grieve your motherhood (the active part of it).
peace and much love
Ines
I love the thought processes you are going through to make sure you have positive traits even though you have suffered a huge loss. I hope you find a "definition" of yourself that makes you proud of who you are.
I've found that I too think of my life in terms of BEFORE and AFTER. Before my mom died, I was innocent, still a child in a lot of ways, sometimes petty and my life felt unshakable. Since her death, I've felt more cynical and jaded, but also more aware of the larger picture. The thought of "will this matter on my deathbed?" has a very real meaning to me now, and I've become more mellow, more thoughtful, less likely to anger quickly...
I think your "more's" are wonderful -- thank you so much for articulating this.
Sarah
I used to define myself by my faith...and now I don't know how I relate to God....and this is something I would have never imagined possible. I don't know how I define myself....I feel pretty lost though I am able to keep going day after day.
Any other defining moments aren't even close to this experience...when I moved from a big city to a small mtn. town of 500 in my early 20's...a fantastic defining moment....and then after 5 years (thinking I would never move back home again) moving back and meeting my future husband... The loss of our daughter has had the biggest impact...literally turned our lives upside down and they are still not put back together....
Thanks for your post, your thoughts and questions.
It is good to look at the blessings that have come from such pain...there are many.