Today I'm in a funk. My husband has declared that I'm either pregnant or soon to discover that I'm not. He's probably right. It's strange how one day I can feel like life is starting to feel like well life again and then the next I'm crying and feeling hurt again. I'm not back to square one, far from it, but it's nothing new.
Two steps forward, one step back.
One of our customers came in and was talking about how life just continues on and keeps going despite the changes life brings us. I nodded my understanding but really I don't feel that way. I feel like my life took a ninety degree turn and flat lined. At times it feels like life begins again and sometimes it goes back to flat lining.
On January 14, 2008 the world kept spinning. Mine stopped.
I've been pondering this today and come to the realization that I'm still hurt that the lives of some people close to me didn't flat line when mine did. It's not fair to them that I expected their lives to be put on hold because of my grief but I'm hurt nonetheless. That's not right either- I expected their lives to change because of their own grief. I need to let this bitterness go... and I thought I had until the conversation earlier brought the feelings to the surface again. They've put their lives on hold to help others who are hurting... am I not important enough to them... was my son not important enough to them? I know these thoughts aren't rational but I can't stop them from bouncing around in my head.
Nothing new.
I'm constantly amazed at the parallel journey grief often takes us on which brings Ecclesiastes to mind.
There is nothing new under the sun- women have grieved the deaths of their children since time began... but just because someone else has walked that road doesn't make it easy when it's your turn on the journey. It was here before our time- just like yesterday I knew that other people had those moments when they realized that the newborn they saw wasn't their baby they grieved but yesterday was the first time I came to the realization. I feel like I'm experiencing something new for the first time- and for me I am- but others have been here before me... there are times I think something and read a post that describes my feelings exactly. It's eerie at times yet comforting that others understand. Even though we don't know each other there's a common understanding and common bond. What has been will be again- that's the hard part... knowing that others will walk these parallel journeys of grief. Death doesn't stop here with my son. There are many parents who buried their children before me and there will be many sons and daughters outlived by their parents long after I'm gone. They will one day experience their world stopping in time. All things are wearisome, more than one can say- no matter how much I write none of the words can ever completely capture the soul.
Two steps forward, one step back.
One of our customers came in and was talking about how life just continues on and keeps going despite the changes life brings us. I nodded my understanding but really I don't feel that way. I feel like my life took a ninety degree turn and flat lined. At times it feels like life begins again and sometimes it goes back to flat lining.
On January 14, 2008 the world kept spinning. Mine stopped.
I've been pondering this today and come to the realization that I'm still hurt that the lives of some people close to me didn't flat line when mine did. It's not fair to them that I expected their lives to be put on hold because of my grief but I'm hurt nonetheless. That's not right either- I expected their lives to change because of their own grief. I need to let this bitterness go... and I thought I had until the conversation earlier brought the feelings to the surface again. They've put their lives on hold to help others who are hurting... am I not important enough to them... was my son not important enough to them? I know these thoughts aren't rational but I can't stop them from bouncing around in my head.
Nothing new.
I'm constantly amazed at the parallel journey grief often takes us on which brings Ecclesiastes to mind.
There is nothing new under the sun- women have grieved the deaths of their children since time began... but just because someone else has walked that road doesn't make it easy when it's your turn on the journey. It was here before our time- just like yesterday I knew that other people had those moments when they realized that the newborn they saw wasn't their baby they grieved but yesterday was the first time I came to the realization. I feel like I'm experiencing something new for the first time- and for me I am- but others have been here before me... there are times I think something and read a post that describes my feelings exactly. It's eerie at times yet comforting that others understand. Even though we don't know each other there's a common understanding and common bond. What has been will be again- that's the hard part... knowing that others will walk these parallel journeys of grief. Death doesn't stop here with my son. There are many parents who buried their children before me and there will be many sons and daughters outlived by their parents long after I'm gone. They will one day experience their world stopping in time. All things are wearisome, more than one can say- no matter how much I write none of the words can ever completely capture the soul.
Ecclesiastes 1:8-10 (New International Version)
8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.
Comments
One of the coolest things that happened to me a few months ago, right before Xavier's first anniversery, was something I saw on my sister's MySpace page. I had just signed up for MySpace, and I was reading her page.
One part had this:
Three People You Wish You Could Meet In Person: Jesus Christ, my Nephew Xavier, and Johnny Depp
Wow! I was so touched! I know what you mean about life stopping though. I also remember in the first days and weeks after Xavier's death, I would be doing regular things like grocery shopping and the clerk would ask, "how are you?" I wanted to tell everyone that my son had just died....I couldn't believe that it wasn't obvious to everyone else in the free world.
Maybe a T-shirt was necessary? lol
I just got a load of lab slips from my dr. for some upcoming bloodwork I have to get, and the medical code for each read "Recurrent Aborter without Current Pregnancy". Okay, I know it's medical, but GEEZ!!! That's NOT how I want to be labeled!
Tara
I'm so sorry for the lab slips- that makes it sound as though your losses were intentional. They need a different label even if it is standard medical terminology.
like you said i'll be fine then it'll hit me and i'm back down again...some women in my mom's group call it the black hole...i think that's a good name!!
I'm always here from you and will see you soon, hopefully!
love you
I will say that moments like today don't come as often anymore and don't generally last too long when they do come. For that I am grateful but I also know there will still be more moments to come and that's ok too.
I've been feeling quite lifeless this week too. I am having more bright moments, but then seconds later I fall back into the pit of grief.