one giant leap for me!!! Last week I shared some of the ways I'd faced my fears and realized I was stronger than I thought... well the trend continued. There's a new couple in town and the wife has been coming into the coffee shop. Well... she invited me to her place for an open house so I went. Did I mention she's also pregnant and showing? (And for J. she drinks decaf so I didn't even have to think about throwing bagels at her :))
I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was two years ago when we'd first moved.
The evening did have it's moments though... one of the conversations went like this...
I thought about leaving shortly after that but I couldn't figure out my escape. My throat tightened but the tears didn't come and I'm glad I stayed. I'm terrible about praying during moments like that- I tend to react first and remember later that I should've prayed and sought guidance- but this time I called upon God in my time of need and He answered my prayer. I know it seems like such a minor thing but for me the evening was a significant step in the right direction.
I'm also glad that she knows now... I shared a little more about Levi after we both composed our thoughts and though I don't know exactly how comfortable she was with the conversation she didn't shy from it either- and being four months pregnant I have to give her a lot of credit for that too.
This has definitely given me the courage to take the next leap. One of my dear childhood friends is pregnant and her baby shower is coming up in a month or so. I've declined all invitations to showers up to this point but I think it's time... I'll let you know how it goes when it rolls around.
I almost forgot!! I went and talked to a civic group in town about the Hope for Tomorrow to get community support & they were great!! I was nervous going to talk to them but practiced with my husband and a friend and I think things went well. (You know how you're never sure how you sound to other people though- you don't think you're saying ummm... but they count it like a hundred times... yeah well, like I said, I think it went well but there's no telling how I actually sounded.) They might even be setting things up for me to talk to connected groups in surrounding towns to get things going in the local hospitals there too so I'm guessing I wasn't too bad :)
I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was two years ago when we'd first moved.
The evening did have it's moments though... one of the conversations went like this...
Her: So, don't you guys have kids?
Me: Well... sort of...
Her: Sort of?
Me: It's complicated
Her: Complicated?
Me: I don't want to scare you.
(awkward silence)
Me: I was 37 weeks pregnant and my son died.
Her: Oh, I'm so sorry.
(awkward silence)
I thought about leaving shortly after that but I couldn't figure out my escape. My throat tightened but the tears didn't come and I'm glad I stayed. I'm terrible about praying during moments like that- I tend to react first and remember later that I should've prayed and sought guidance- but this time I called upon God in my time of need and He answered my prayer. I know it seems like such a minor thing but for me the evening was a significant step in the right direction.
I'm also glad that she knows now... I shared a little more about Levi after we both composed our thoughts and though I don't know exactly how comfortable she was with the conversation she didn't shy from it either- and being four months pregnant I have to give her a lot of credit for that too.
This has definitely given me the courage to take the next leap. One of my dear childhood friends is pregnant and her baby shower is coming up in a month or so. I've declined all invitations to showers up to this point but I think it's time... I'll let you know how it goes when it rolls around.
I almost forgot!! I went and talked to a civic group in town about the Hope for Tomorrow to get community support & they were great!! I was nervous going to talk to them but practiced with my husband and a friend and I think things went well. (You know how you're never sure how you sound to other people though- you don't think you're saying ummm... but they count it like a hundred times... yeah well, like I said, I think it went well but there's no telling how I actually sounded.) They might even be setting things up for me to talk to connected groups in surrounding towns to get things going in the local hospitals there too so I'm guessing I wasn't too bad :)
Psalm 34:4
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Comments
One small step is all it takes, one day at a time!
xx Ines
Congratulations on the presentation too. That is always hard to do.
I so wish that I lived closer -- I would be a frequent flier at your coffee shop for sure!
I am happy for you that you were able to step into unchartered territory, knowing it would probably difficult. Thanks for sharing and giving us all the outlook of hope...
My son was my son before I even got to see him. I am glad we left the hospital with him, but I wouldn't have felt any less love for him if we hadn't.
Bless you in your grief. Thank you for doing something constructive with it.