The depths of the soul

I've been reading the Psalms lately. It's interesting how experience can open one's eyes. I used to wonder why some of the Psalms were exclaiming the praises of God and others were wondering why God had forsaken them. I used to think King David was bi-polar... while he might have been I question that uneducated diagnosis and conclusion I was so quick to jump to. I didn't know any better then, now I realize the depths of his words. He knowingly sent a man to his death so that his infidelity wouldn't be discovered and then buried the child from that union. I'm sure that his heart was troubled during this time. He knew he was responsible for pain and sorrow. He'd had so many things going for him and in many ways he threw it all away. He still praised God for the blessings he had but cried out in the days of darkness.

I've never knowingly caused physical harm like this but I understand the complexities of emotions a little better now. I have great pain and sorrow over the death of my son... but I still have the joy that being a mother brought- even if it was so brief. I've had my moments of anger towards God... but I've also had moments where I feel His comfort and peace. I've had moments that I want the desires of my heart now... and moments where I desire God's will, in His time, not mine.

I know the psalms were written by different authors (and I believe the two I'm including have different authors but don't hold me to that) but they spoke to me so while they may not be a comparison of the same person's emotions & faith at different times, I still wanted to share them.

Psalm 113
1 Praise the LORD.
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

2 Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

5 Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

9 He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

After reading Psalm 113 my thoughts kept seeing the transition between the beginning and the end. God is worthy of our praise- all day long. Verses 7-9 don't show a different picture; they still depict a God worthy of praise- but they show that life isn't always perfect. Yes, it speaks of Him lifting up the poor and needy, but it doesn't say that they never had needs or hunger pains. How many days did they toil or go without a meal before they feasted with royalty? Yes, he settles the barren woman as a happy mother, but it says nothing of how long she longed for children. Did the children she later mothered come from her own womb or did was she a mother to the motherless? How long will I be barren before I am the happy mother of children? Do I even fall into that category? My womb has borne a child but yet I still feel barren. Despite hardships, the name of the Lord is to be praised. Even if I never bare a living, breathing child the name of the Lord is to be praised.

I've had hardships but I'm at a place now that I am praising the Lord. I still have moments that I struggle to trust as we try again but I'm able to see past my grief and see that the Lord is still enthroned on high.

Such a stark difference from Psalm 88. I've been there too in the past. My soul has been full of trouble and I've wondered if God has heard my cries for help. I've felt rejected by the Lord and viewed the darkness as my closest friend. I'm glad I'm not there now but the memories of that place have not yet faded from my mind.

Psalm 88
A song. A psalm of the Sons of Korah. For the director of music. According to mahalath leannoth. A maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.
1
O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.

2 May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.

3 For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.

4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.

5 I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.

6 You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.

7 Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah

8 You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;

9 my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.

10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah

11 Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction ?

12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

13 But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.

14 Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?

15 From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.

16 Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.

17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.

18 You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.

This week has found a different new set of emotions for me. I feel as though I passed the point of acceptance with Levi's death a little while ago. I'm not happy about it but it is what it is and I can't do anything to change it. I'm not feeling the anger or the deep sorrow (just the constant sorrow that I never expect to leave, nor do I want it to). I'm now in the place between grief over my son and trying to rein in my emotions in the struggle of trying again only to fail each month. I want to get excited with each two week wait but I don't want my hopes to be dashed against the rocks.

I understand these human emotions that can change in an instant, going one minute from praise and the next to feelings of abandonment. I better understand the depths of the soul (though I am still by no means an expert).