So I wasn't quite as ready or as strong as I thought I was... I went to my first baby shower today for someone I've been friends with since I was in diapers. I really thought I'd be ok... I know I struggled with the reunion last weekend but I thought this weekend would be different- this time the focus would be only on her- not on an entire group of people with kids. I was wrong.
Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't.
I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at showers I always think of the person as the bride to be or mother to be... now... she was a mother to be 8 months ago... now she's a mother even though she hasn't yet met her baby face to face. Anyway... sorry for the side note. I helped myself to some of the comfort food they so graciously provided- snack food & cupcakes in a moment of weakness- sigh... as the time rolled around to open presents I decided to take my opportunity to get up out of my seat before I became trapped.
I meandered to the table they had set up to decorate bibs for the baby so that each time the baby was wearing one they could think of the person that had designed it. I was half way through 'Little blessing' when the tears started to come. And then the grandmother (who has changed my diapers) came up and put her hand on my shoulder and told me how good it was to see me. That was the point of no return. I started blubbering and crying and gave her a big hug and quickly made my exit. She understood though and came out after me with tissues.
My friend's mom had passed the word along to my mom that she'd understand if I couldn't come. My mom hadn't pressured me to go either. I think that's part of the reason I wanted to go, I knew they'd understand. Her mom lost a baby at 5 months. She knows how hard things can be. I hope that I didn't make things awkward or hard for anyone else... showers should be fun and cheerful... the focus should be on her and her baby... but I'm glad her mom understood me suddenly leaving and didn't view it as rudeness.
As hard as it was I'm still glad I went.
After that I had to come back to the shop for a back to school bash for a local youth group at the shop. That was good because it forced me to wipe away the tears and just focus on the business at hand.
Tomorrow is the dedication for a friend's baby that they've been fostering to adopt for almost a year now. I want to go. I know how much they've waited for these moments. Now I wonder whether or not I should go. Can my heart take it? Will I be able to hold it together? Is it better to cry through the entire service or just not go? I see her with him on a weekly basis and I'm ok but will tomorrow be different?
The past couple of weeks have really thrown me into an emotional tailspin, yet I've also felt stronger. I've been trying to figure it out. I think it's hard now finding healing from Levi's death, yet being in a place of longing for another child that I'm trying to wait for patiently. I think part of it is also that I've been doing well lately... I find myself smiling more from my heart and can sense true healing taking place... but (isn't there always a but) the times that my loss has hit me I haven't been able to hold it in as well as I could just a few months ago and release the emotions later. I know it isn't good to bottle up emotions but I do want to be able to attend different gatherings and then just fall apart afterwards if I need to. It's not that I want to put on a mask- I want to enjoy the company of friends, I want to celebrate their joys with them, I want to feel normal. I know though that there will never be a normal again- not in the true sense.
Normal is not the death of a child.
Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't.
I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at showers I always think of the person as the bride to be or mother to be... now... she was a mother to be 8 months ago... now she's a mother even though she hasn't yet met her baby face to face. Anyway... sorry for the side note. I helped myself to some of the comfort food they so graciously provided- snack food & cupcakes in a moment of weakness- sigh... as the time rolled around to open presents I decided to take my opportunity to get up out of my seat before I became trapped.
I meandered to the table they had set up to decorate bibs for the baby so that each time the baby was wearing one they could think of the person that had designed it. I was half way through 'Little blessing' when the tears started to come. And then the grandmother (who has changed my diapers) came up and put her hand on my shoulder and told me how good it was to see me. That was the point of no return. I started blubbering and crying and gave her a big hug and quickly made my exit. She understood though and came out after me with tissues.
My friend's mom had passed the word along to my mom that she'd understand if I couldn't come. My mom hadn't pressured me to go either. I think that's part of the reason I wanted to go, I knew they'd understand. Her mom lost a baby at 5 months. She knows how hard things can be. I hope that I didn't make things awkward or hard for anyone else... showers should be fun and cheerful... the focus should be on her and her baby... but I'm glad her mom understood me suddenly leaving and didn't view it as rudeness.
As hard as it was I'm still glad I went.
After that I had to come back to the shop for a back to school bash for a local youth group at the shop. That was good because it forced me to wipe away the tears and just focus on the business at hand.
Tomorrow is the dedication for a friend's baby that they've been fostering to adopt for almost a year now. I want to go. I know how much they've waited for these moments. Now I wonder whether or not I should go. Can my heart take it? Will I be able to hold it together? Is it better to cry through the entire service or just not go? I see her with him on a weekly basis and I'm ok but will tomorrow be different?
The past couple of weeks have really thrown me into an emotional tailspin, yet I've also felt stronger. I've been trying to figure it out. I think it's hard now finding healing from Levi's death, yet being in a place of longing for another child that I'm trying to wait for patiently. I think part of it is also that I've been doing well lately... I find myself smiling more from my heart and can sense true healing taking place... but (isn't there always a but) the times that my loss has hit me I haven't been able to hold it in as well as I could just a few months ago and release the emotions later. I know it isn't good to bottle up emotions but I do want to be able to attend different gatherings and then just fall apart afterwards if I need to. It's not that I want to put on a mask- I want to enjoy the company of friends, I want to celebrate their joys with them, I want to feel normal. I know though that there will never be a normal again- not in the true sense.
Normal is not the death of a child.
Comments
I experience healing, too. And it's weird, I feel guilt at times when i smile and laugh and am free of worry, sadness and grief and yet i know i want it (happiness), so i do it and live it, with tumbles, but they are forward tumbles and I'm learning a new normal, that I and that's a capital I, define myself.
Oh, Rebekah, yet again, you spark a post... i need to write a bit more about this on my own blog, I think. Thank you, big hug!
Much love to you
xx Ines
Good for you for supporting your friend by attending her baby shower at all! Maybe you weren't as ready as you thought but you were incredibly strong.
Best of luck with the dedication; regardless of whether you go or not.
Much love to you.
I'll come back later and read more...have to get to church today. I can relate a lot to what you write about. I'm in a very similar place. Growing stronger and venturing out to tackle tough situations. We also have a lot in common with waiting for God to say yes to another one. Thank you for visiting me so that I could find you.
Hugs,
Trisha
Ines- I loved hearing your reflections before & I always am curious to see other people's takes on various things. Thank you for sharing them!!
Anna Marie- I totally agree that things like this are subsequent losses. We've lost our children yes, but we've also lost our place in society.
Trisha- I'm glad I found you- this journey isn't easy but having people that understand helps so much!!!
Amber
We all have to find our "new normals" in life, as I call it. We can no longer be the women we were, but have to walk a tough road to find out who we now are.
I don't know what normal is anymore...or if I ever did. For us, the pain and loss are now intertwined with new hope and some of the happiness we knew before the death of our baby....and all of it together is OUR normal...which changes daily....
Blessings to you as you continue to heal and find new footing for yourself...
I just found your blog thru another, and I'm so sad you're travelling this path~I cried read this post, and my son Levi died 21 years ago. There are still times when it's hard to be at baby related things. Good for you for going to the shower, I'm glad to see you have some understanding and supportive family and friends surrounding you. Sending you an enormous hug...