On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not.
I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made their own personal sacrifices and I'm sure they were deeply remorseful for the death of another. I'm guessing over the time they were there they were deeply changed... but when they were able to return to their homes had enough time passed for the other person's family to find forgiveness? Did they just steer clear of each other? Sometimes I think maybe it would be best that way and yet I don't like leaving things like that... I want the relationships to work. I want to erase the past pain and just move on... I want closure...
It's so strange. Time has passed and I want to fix the relationships that crumbled when I was broken, but I also want to let them know how much they hurt me and how much pain I still feel. Tommy tells me to keep my mouth shut, that it won't actually fix things, so I do. He's probably right. It would make me feel better for a little while... but probably not long. Chances are the relationship wouldn't heal from my venting. I try to focus on the blessings I do have and the people that have lifted me up and those should be enough for me... but I can't seem to help looking back. Sometimes though I am moving forward and they place themselves in the path I now walk and so I have to face them- caught off guard.
I've been able to pick up so many of the pieces that shattered when Levi died and put them back together as best as possible. I've found so much healing... this is an area I struggle in so much- I had a hard time letting things go before he died but even more so now. I will continue fighting the bitterness. I don't want to give in to it but I wonder how long this battle will last.
I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made their own personal sacrifices and I'm sure they were deeply remorseful for the death of another. I'm guessing over the time they were there they were deeply changed... but when they were able to return to their homes had enough time passed for the other person's family to find forgiveness? Did they just steer clear of each other? Sometimes I think maybe it would be best that way and yet I don't like leaving things like that... I want the relationships to work. I want to erase the past pain and just move on... I want closure...
It's so strange. Time has passed and I want to fix the relationships that crumbled when I was broken, but I also want to let them know how much they hurt me and how much pain I still feel. Tommy tells me to keep my mouth shut, that it won't actually fix things, so I do. He's probably right. It would make me feel better for a little while... but probably not long. Chances are the relationship wouldn't heal from my venting. I try to focus on the blessings I do have and the people that have lifted me up and those should be enough for me... but I can't seem to help looking back. Sometimes though I am moving forward and they place themselves in the path I now walk and so I have to face them- caught off guard.
I've been able to pick up so many of the pieces that shattered when Levi died and put them back together as best as possible. I've found so much healing... this is an area I struggle in so much- I had a hard time letting things go before he died but even more so now. I will continue fighting the bitterness. I don't want to give in to it but I wonder how long this battle will last.
Comments
xx