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Unbelief

Sunday I started to post and I just couldn't get the words out. This is as far as I got:
So its 6 p.m. and I'm still in my pj's. My paranoia took over this morning and while I've calmed down since then I still haven't had the energy to do much of anything.
I expect days like this but they're still tough.


I'm ok now. The tears have dried (though they started up again on Monday).

I'm not feeling as though my world is crashing down again.

I still feel so much hope for this baby, but when the waves of grief come they knock me down and I feel like I'm gasping for breath.

I feel like the boy's father in Mark 9.


Mark 9:24

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"


I know that God can bring this baby into the world happy and healthy. But sometimes I struggle wondering if He will. That was my struggle on Sunday. I know that ultimately God controls whether this baby lives or dies- not me. I want to dedicate every bit of this baby to God and His will but part of me is gripped with fear. What if God's will is not for me to raise this baby here on earth? What if the time I've had is all the time I get? Will I truly be ok with that? I want to be. I desperately want to walk in God's will- no matter what... but part of me holds back.

I need help overcoming my unbelief.
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Comments

loni lamons hodge said…
Rebecca - you are SO right- God CAN and WILL deliver a healthy baby. Don't let the devil infiltrate your mind. I know that's easier said - Just have faith and know that God has carried you through the storm and He wants nothing but the best for you, Tommy, and baby #2. I'm praying for you guys (oh and I meant to tell you the other day that April 28th is Justin's b'day- It'll be a GREAT day!)
love you girl - push aside your doubts - God will take care of you and baby #2!!!
November 24, 2009 at 5:33 PM
Jen said…
I don't know you personally, but I will say a prayer that God blesses you with a healthy baby. I hope you can find some joy in the remainder of your pregnancy.
November 24, 2009 at 8:04 PM
Bree said…
I wish I could say something to ease your anxiety. I spend every day off on the couch and in my pajamas all day long. I don't go anywhere other than doctor's appointments. I totally feel ya there. Hang in there. Praying and hoping with you.
November 24, 2009 at 10:33 PM
inadvertent farmer said…
I totally understand. When I lost my twins and then followed by a miscarriage my next pregnancy was completely overwhelmed by worry and doubt. I am glad that we have an understanding God because I had time of deep and overwhelming doubt.

I will certainly be keeping you in my prayers. Kim
December 5, 2009 at 6:41 PM
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