Making memories

This month I wanted to share the ways I included Levi into Christmas last year with everyone from Kelly's site- The Beauty of Sufficient Grace. If you are feeling lost wondering what to do this Christmas head over there and I hope you find some ideas and comfort.

Last year at Christmas I just tried to stay busy at the store. It's strange- we decorated there and it didn't bother me but I struggled going into other stores- so I didn't. I think I went into one store to buy Tommy's gift, then one to buy gifts for our parents and one to buy an ornament for Levi. Tommy's gift had no sentimental value attached- he got a Nintendo DS just to make him smile. Our parents (besides getting coffee & tea) got an ornament. There's a local engraver in town so I got Levi's hand print etched into crystal (I got one for us too). I had to darken Levi's hand print a little because they couldn't work with any grey scale but you can't tell the difference if you're just glancing at it.

The other ornament I got just for us is a tiny decorative elephant- because elephants never forget.
I'm going to try to find a new elephant ornament each year (even though Tommy and I haven't actually put up a tree for the past 3 years). I talked my mom into crocheting for the first time since I was little and she made a tiny stocking for Levi. One of my friends from the support group suggested the idea (she has one for her daughter) and told us that she and her husband write a letter each year that goes into the stocking. I failed to hang it last year- it got mixed in with things at the store but we wrote the letters anyway. I came across the stocking last week though when we unpacked our shop decorations so this year I'll be sure to hang it over our fireplace with the letters inside (now I just hope I can find my letter- I feel like a failure at certain things).

I wanted to donate toys in memory of Levi last year but I couldn't gather the strength to actually buy anything. Maybe this year I'll be able to. I think it would be nice to get items for children that are the age Levi would be each year.

My heart goes out to those who are spending the first Christmas alone without their loved one, who are spending another year with an empty womb and empty arms and also to those who are anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new baby.

This season that celebrates the birth of a baby can be such a reminder of the babies we don't have. Even for those who don't focus on the one baby that changed the world, there is still so much focus on children at Christmas that I know it brings pain and sadness. I keep thinking back to this verse that resonated with me last year and wanted to share it again:

Luke 2:34-35 "Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: 'This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.'"


I feel as though my soul was pierced when Levi died. I thought to myself, I wonder if hearing that really even began to prepare her heart for watching her son be crucified. How could her soul take it?

For those of you hurting this Christmas, remember the baby who came for us all... but also remember that Mary also knows the pain of a mother who had to bury a child... maybe not that morning in the stable but 33 years later I have no doubts that a sword pierced her own soul.