It's been an emotional Christmas. After we closed up the shop Christmas Eve we packed up the car and went out to the cemetery before heading to my parents' house. I don't go out there as often anymore which makes it harder sometimes when I do go now because I feel like it's neglected. The feelings are so conflicting- I don't believe that Levi is there- sure his body is but his soul is long gone- but at the same time when I see the grass and weeds growing up too high I feel guilt. The tears flowed for a while driving down but by the time we reached my in-law's to drop off our dog I was ok.
I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short responses when the conversation turns to this pregnancy- I can't seem to share parts of my thoughts without conveying all my fears and hopes and so rather than drive people away with my gloom and doom I remain silent.
Overall Christmas wasn't as hard or emotional as last year... though it definitely had its moments. I admit, I haven't been the best behaved myself and have shared my thoughts and feelings a little too freely at moments- hopefully I have not caused further damage to somewhat fragile relationships. I struggle between holding my tongue and expressing my feelings. Both have gotten me into trouble. I've held my tongue hoping things get better on their own until things seem to get worse and worse... by that point I'm ready to explode from holding my feelings bottled up for so long. Some of them exploded this break on poor unsuspecting souls.
I think part of the reason for the explosions has been the timing too. December is followed by January- and besides the stress of the holidays I also got a phone call. More blood work came back. I have more pieces to try to place in this puzzle. I don't know how they all fit together- or if they even do. I tested positive for a genetic blood clotting disorder. Until I see the high risk doctor again he has me taking a baby aspirin and extra folic acid. He seemed confident any problems could be avoided for the time being with this simple treatment. I hope he's right- I do have a great deal of confidence that he knows what he's talking about- he knew which tests to order that weren't ordered right after Levi's death. He was also very willing to accommodate my request to come in for an ultrasound in January for reassurance. He seemed to understand my need to not just hear the baby but see her too.
January 14th- two years after we met Levi I'll get to see this little one onscreen- hopefully squirming around. I think it'll help having something to look forward to on the 14th- at least it did last year. One year after Levi was delivered, Tommy and our parents surprised me with beautiful additions to the garden- this year on that date I'll see his little sister again. Of course I'd rather be throwing a party for his second birthday but at least there are moments of joy to distract from the pain.
I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short responses when the conversation turns to this pregnancy- I can't seem to share parts of my thoughts without conveying all my fears and hopes and so rather than drive people away with my gloom and doom I remain silent.
Overall Christmas wasn't as hard or emotional as last year... though it definitely had its moments. I admit, I haven't been the best behaved myself and have shared my thoughts and feelings a little too freely at moments- hopefully I have not caused further damage to somewhat fragile relationships. I struggle between holding my tongue and expressing my feelings. Both have gotten me into trouble. I've held my tongue hoping things get better on their own until things seem to get worse and worse... by that point I'm ready to explode from holding my feelings bottled up for so long. Some of them exploded this break on poor unsuspecting souls.
I think part of the reason for the explosions has been the timing too. December is followed by January- and besides the stress of the holidays I also got a phone call. More blood work came back. I have more pieces to try to place in this puzzle. I don't know how they all fit together- or if they even do. I tested positive for a genetic blood clotting disorder. Until I see the high risk doctor again he has me taking a baby aspirin and extra folic acid. He seemed confident any problems could be avoided for the time being with this simple treatment. I hope he's right- I do have a great deal of confidence that he knows what he's talking about- he knew which tests to order that weren't ordered right after Levi's death. He was also very willing to accommodate my request to come in for an ultrasound in January for reassurance. He seemed to understand my need to not just hear the baby but see her too.
January 14th- two years after we met Levi I'll get to see this little one onscreen- hopefully squirming around. I think it'll help having something to look forward to on the 14th- at least it did last year. One year after Levi was delivered, Tommy and our parents surprised me with beautiful additions to the garden- this year on that date I'll see his little sister again. Of course I'd rather be throwing a party for his second birthday but at least there are moments of joy to distract from the pain.
Comments
Holding you and Levi close to my heart as his birthday approaches.
Take comfort in that little girlie in your belly.
Thinking of you.
I so relate to your feelings about the cemetery, the irritability (which for me, often serves as a reminder there is some grief just under the surface I need to cry out), and then the difficulty sharing with "civilians" (those who have never entered the war of child-loss grief). Sometimes it feels so strange trying to relate to the land of the living when my heart is steeped in walking through this Valley of the Shadow of Death. Thank you for your candor; it is strangely comforting to hear someone else disclosing some of the symptoms of grief I also experience, symptoms I wouldn't normally expect to come with grief but are certainly there for me to walk/muddle through. My heart goes out to you in so many ways... Just looking at Levi's little hand this morning made me cry... What a precious little boy he is.
I will be thinking about you on January 14. That is also a very special day to me--this year, my middle child, my second son Nathan turns 25 on that very special day. My prayers will be with you. How sweet that you will get to hear and see Levi's baby sister on that day; what a precious comfort that should be! God is so good to meet us where we are with His love, comfort, and reassurance. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and how she is doing!
Thank you Rebekah, so much for sharing your heart with us. You are so precious.
Much love to you,
Angie
Praying for you, and waiting for an update! I have a Christmas story to swap with you--yours sounds like it might be stressful, but mine is comic relief. :)
Love you, friend.