The feelings of forgiveness are fading and I'm not happy with that.
The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine.
Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death?
I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi. Gestational diabetes is something that is tested for and so far I've been able to control it- 1- because I know to control it & 2- because I've been given the tools to check it and keep it in control. I know even with the best diet plan the hormonal changes can effect the blood sugar levels, but generally from everything I've read and heard it's manageble. It really is not a comforting thought to me to think that Levi's death could have been prevented...
... but then I still wonder if there was anything that really could have been done. Can we add days to our lives? Are our lives numbered ahead of time? How much of my life can be affected by the free will of the doctor?
I don't understand how all these puzzle pieces fit together. How do I connect the information with the emotions? I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the pieces.
I was venting these frustrations with another friend recently and we both seem to have the same struggle. We'll come to a place that we think we've forgiven others as we should... only to be thrown back to square one. I don't want to live in bitterness- and yet I don't know how to let things go. I know this is a recurring theme for me and I sound like a broken record but each time I think I've healed something rips the wound open again.
The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine.
Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death?
I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi. Gestational diabetes is something that is tested for and so far I've been able to control it- 1- because I know to control it & 2- because I've been given the tools to check it and keep it in control. I know even with the best diet plan the hormonal changes can effect the blood sugar levels, but generally from everything I've read and heard it's manageble. It really is not a comforting thought to me to think that Levi's death could have been prevented...
... but then I still wonder if there was anything that really could have been done. Can we add days to our lives? Are our lives numbered ahead of time? How much of my life can be affected by the free will of the doctor?
I don't understand how all these puzzle pieces fit together. How do I connect the information with the emotions? I don't know what I'm supposed to do with the pieces.
I was venting these frustrations with another friend recently and we both seem to have the same struggle. We'll come to a place that we think we've forgiven others as we should... only to be thrown back to square one. I don't want to live in bitterness- and yet I don't know how to let things go. I know this is a recurring theme for me and I sound like a broken record but each time I think I've healed something rips the wound open again.
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XOXO
I continue to pray for your health and the health of your baby during this pregnancy.
Hope you have a great Christmas!