The day started with a call from my mom... she was feeling sick so she didn't want to come to the ultrasound and risk getting me sick too...so we called Tommy's mom and invited her to come up again (she also got to see the 16 week ultrasound). We had the store covered so that Tommy could also join me at the appointment and we took the new video camera my parents had gotten us for Christmas. I've replayed what Tommy filmed once in the past two years. He played peek-a-boo with the big belly using the shutter of the camera. I laughed at his silliness thinking what a good dad he'd be.
They called us back before Tommy's mom arrived and I remember trying to think of stall tactics so she wouldn't miss anything. I actually didn't need to because they started giving us all kinds of consent forms and explaining how to pre-register at the hospital. Tommy's mom finally made it just before the ultrasound began. The nurse started out pointing everything out with Tommy filming away... but then she said she was having a hard time getting the stomach and needed to get the doctor. That seemed strange to me... and I felt my own stomach drop. I knew when they asked Tommy to stop filming before the doctor came in that it couldn't be good. He kept moving the wand over my belly again and again before telling me there was no heartbeat and there had been a "fetal demise". He couldn't even say the words 'Your baby has died,' it was cold and medical. He told us the ultrasound machine at the hospital was stronger than his and wanted us to go there to make sure... but also told me he'd see me at five the next morning to induce me.
While waiting for all the arrangements to be made, Tommy called my mom. The reception was terrible and my mom thought Tommy was calling to tell her I'd finally caved about finding out the gender... Tommy just kept saying 'No, the baby passed away' until she heard and understood.
We walked into the hospital in a daze. After finding where we were supposed to go they made us wait in the lobby as we had been given no order slip of any kind and apparently the lady in front of us was not the one who spoke with the doctor's office. After what seemed like forever someone came to find us and took us back. But the high power of this machine could not detect any flickering hope either. Once again we heard and saw the sound of silence. Tears silently flowed the whole time. I overheard the techs talking amongst themselves wondering why I'd been sent over before finally telling me they couldn't give me any news that was any different than my doctor had already told me. No one seemed to be able to even say the words 'Your baby has died,'... they were so unthinkably horrific... and yet I was having to try to digest this news.
As we left, both Tommy and I thought back to early in the first trimester. I'd felt a strong urging that this baby wouldn't make it and so I didn't let Tommy share our news with anyone but family. As soon as I made it past the first trimester though I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and dismissed them as normal fears during that time. But after the fear came true the memory of that urging came rushing back. Had God tried to prepare my heart? I thought maybe I was making the memory up until Tommy asked if I remembered what I'd told him so many weeks ago. This is yet another piece of the puzzle that I struggle fitting into place. In some ways it brings comfort, in others pain.
We went home and the rest of the parents came up. I was very much in a state of shock and disbelief. Tommy started making phone calls to let people know. I crawled into bed hoping I'd wake up from a nightmare. But I never did. I woke up the next morning crying into my pillow that had already been soaked and stained with tears.
They called us back before Tommy's mom arrived and I remember trying to think of stall tactics so she wouldn't miss anything. I actually didn't need to because they started giving us all kinds of consent forms and explaining how to pre-register at the hospital. Tommy's mom finally made it just before the ultrasound began. The nurse started out pointing everything out with Tommy filming away... but then she said she was having a hard time getting the stomach and needed to get the doctor. That seemed strange to me... and I felt my own stomach drop. I knew when they asked Tommy to stop filming before the doctor came in that it couldn't be good. He kept moving the wand over my belly again and again before telling me there was no heartbeat and there had been a "fetal demise". He couldn't even say the words 'Your baby has died,' it was cold and medical. He told us the ultrasound machine at the hospital was stronger than his and wanted us to go there to make sure... but also told me he'd see me at five the next morning to induce me.
While waiting for all the arrangements to be made, Tommy called my mom. The reception was terrible and my mom thought Tommy was calling to tell her I'd finally caved about finding out the gender... Tommy just kept saying 'No, the baby passed away' until she heard and understood.
We walked into the hospital in a daze. After finding where we were supposed to go they made us wait in the lobby as we had been given no order slip of any kind and apparently the lady in front of us was not the one who spoke with the doctor's office. After what seemed like forever someone came to find us and took us back. But the high power of this machine could not detect any flickering hope either. Once again we heard and saw the sound of silence. Tears silently flowed the whole time. I overheard the techs talking amongst themselves wondering why I'd been sent over before finally telling me they couldn't give me any news that was any different than my doctor had already told me. No one seemed to be able to even say the words 'Your baby has died,'... they were so unthinkably horrific... and yet I was having to try to digest this news.
As we left, both Tommy and I thought back to early in the first trimester. I'd felt a strong urging that this baby wouldn't make it and so I didn't let Tommy share our news with anyone but family. As soon as I made it past the first trimester though I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and dismissed them as normal fears during that time. But after the fear came true the memory of that urging came rushing back. Had God tried to prepare my heart? I thought maybe I was making the memory up until Tommy asked if I remembered what I'd told him so many weeks ago. This is yet another piece of the puzzle that I struggle fitting into place. In some ways it brings comfort, in others pain.
We went home and the rest of the parents came up. I was very much in a state of shock and disbelief. Tommy started making phone calls to let people know. I crawled into bed hoping I'd wake up from a nightmare. But I never did. I woke up the next morning crying into my pillow that had already been soaked and stained with tears.
Comments
I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine," He said,
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for Me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In My search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give her all your love,
Not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take her back again?"
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.