I’ve shared before that I struggle with forgiveness… though I generally don’t share why. Today marks two years since I heard Levi’s heartbeat. Two years since he was alive. There were two doctors at the practice I was going to when I was pregnant- one told me at my December appointment that I should’ve gone with a midwife because I told her I wanted my water to break on its own and wasn’t interested in pitocin. I almost switched doctors. I actually made some calls but being so far along the other practice I wanted to switch to was hesitant… plus we visited the women’s wing at the hospital and the nurses reassured me that there’s much more flexibility than she alluded to. She never saw me again after that December appointment. While that would’ve kept me from returning to their practice with another pregnancy it is my January appointment that my mind always returns to.
I went prepared with a formal written birth plan and discussed it with the other doctor at the practice. There was only one minor objection he had (with an IV drip rather than naturally drinking fluids) and I was fine conceding on that point. We listened to the baby’s heartbeat and I asked a question. One question. I’d read that I should be feeling 6-8 kicks per hour from the baby and asked why I wasn’t feeling that much movement. He told me it was normal- some babies move less than others. Being naive and stupid I didn’t even know to ask for a non stress test… he didn’t offer one. I felt and responded to my intuition but didn’t push enough. I blindly accepted what he told me. One week later, Levi was gone. I don’t even know exactly when he slipped away that week. What I’d been thinking was movement was actually contractions. I expected contractions to be painful- these were not.
At my six week follow up after delivering Levi I asked him point blank why he didn’t do a non stress test that day. He didn’t deny that I’d asked about the lack of movement; rather, his response was “I’m the doctor. I get to make that call.”
I thought perhaps that maybe the death of our baby would wake them up- make them better doctors. I wish I could say that was true. I live in a small town and word gets around- they still don’t listen to patients… babies are still dying. I have shared my concerns with the hospital authorities (their practice is financially connected to the hospital) and they seem to have looked the other way. We even looked into taking our concerns to the court, but because their records were so vague the lawyer said it would be difficult to prove anything and would simply be our word against his. I didn’t want to pursue anything unless we had at least a 99% chance of winning. It wasn’t the money I was after, just change… plus an admission of guilt. I struggled wondering what was right or wrong. Am I seeking forgiveness if I’m pursuing a case of medical negligence? I don’t know… it doesn’t matter anymore though. It’s been two years now, so our time is now up to file any claims and so I feel free to share Levi’s full story here.
I struggle wondering how all these pieces fit together. Why did God allow me to notice a lack of movement and ask that one question if the doctor isn’t part of the puzzle too? Is this puzzle piece to teach me forgiveness? Were we supposed to pursue things further (even without an open and shut case) to protect more mothers and babies? I wish I had a story like some of you who have had such caring doctors you feel confident returning to… but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do with this piece of the puzzle… and it seems to get more complicated the further I get in this new pregnancy too. I want to just move on from this anger… this hurt… and I feel each new diagnosis keeps pulling me back. I struggle forgiving myself too. Why didn’t I switch doctors? Why didn’t I push further about the lack of movement? Would Levi be here if I had… or was it just his time?
I’ll continue with more of Levi’s story as January progresses… but just wanted to share the what if’s and could have been’s from this date two years ago.
I went prepared with a formal written birth plan and discussed it with the other doctor at the practice. There was only one minor objection he had (with an IV drip rather than naturally drinking fluids) and I was fine conceding on that point. We listened to the baby’s heartbeat and I asked a question. One question. I’d read that I should be feeling 6-8 kicks per hour from the baby and asked why I wasn’t feeling that much movement. He told me it was normal- some babies move less than others. Being naive and stupid I didn’t even know to ask for a non stress test… he didn’t offer one. I felt and responded to my intuition but didn’t push enough. I blindly accepted what he told me. One week later, Levi was gone. I don’t even know exactly when he slipped away that week. What I’d been thinking was movement was actually contractions. I expected contractions to be painful- these were not.
At my six week follow up after delivering Levi I asked him point blank why he didn’t do a non stress test that day. He didn’t deny that I’d asked about the lack of movement; rather, his response was “I’m the doctor. I get to make that call.”
I thought perhaps that maybe the death of our baby would wake them up- make them better doctors. I wish I could say that was true. I live in a small town and word gets around- they still don’t listen to patients… babies are still dying. I have shared my concerns with the hospital authorities (their practice is financially connected to the hospital) and they seem to have looked the other way. We even looked into taking our concerns to the court, but because their records were so vague the lawyer said it would be difficult to prove anything and would simply be our word against his. I didn’t want to pursue anything unless we had at least a 99% chance of winning. It wasn’t the money I was after, just change… plus an admission of guilt. I struggled wondering what was right or wrong. Am I seeking forgiveness if I’m pursuing a case of medical negligence? I don’t know… it doesn’t matter anymore though. It’s been two years now, so our time is now up to file any claims and so I feel free to share Levi’s full story here.
I struggle wondering how all these pieces fit together. Why did God allow me to notice a lack of movement and ask that one question if the doctor isn’t part of the puzzle too? Is this puzzle piece to teach me forgiveness? Were we supposed to pursue things further (even without an open and shut case) to protect more mothers and babies? I wish I had a story like some of you who have had such caring doctors you feel confident returning to… but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do with this piece of the puzzle… and it seems to get more complicated the further I get in this new pregnancy too. I want to just move on from this anger… this hurt… and I feel each new diagnosis keeps pulling me back. I struggle forgiving myself too. Why didn’t I switch doctors? Why didn’t I push further about the lack of movement? Would Levi be here if I had… or was it just his time?
I’ll continue with more of Levi’s story as January progresses… but just wanted to share the what if’s and could have been’s from this date two years ago.
Comments
Did you get my email on Xmas eve?
I have a similar guilt. My son passed away at 40 weeks. At 39 weeks, like you, I mentioned he was moving less. I was given the NST. He passed with flying colors. Looking back, they did it after they poked around on my belly alot, so I'm guessing that got him moving. At 38 weeks, I had an ultrasound & came very close to failing a biophysical profile because he wasn't moving enough. They had to "buzz" him I believe 3 times to finally get the movements in the time period.
I look back & wonder why, with the possible problems with my son (a kidney issue they went back & forth on until they decided all was fine & to never scan me again), didn't I insist on being monitored more even though they felt things were fine? Why didn't I insist on something more than that NST test when I felt like something was wrong. I just wanted everything to be alright, so I put my head in the sand it feels like some days, on the days I blame myself.
I suppose your doctor speaks the truth, they are the doctors & they make the calls. Even with a patient who is sure what she wants, they can make calls. I wish my doctor make a call that was more cautious. It was my sons life that was loss because they decided not to be cautious. And while they go on with life, never thinking of me or my son, I think about it all the time. I beat myself up over not demanding more. I even beat myself up that I didn't opt for a c-section with my first child after hours of pushing...I tell myself if I had, I would have likely had another section around 39 weeks & my son would be alive.
We actually have opted to move forward with legal action, mainly because the blatant incompetence we dealt with, like the doctors office omitting the fact that my son had only 1 kidney in my 20 week report, allowing no follow up for weeks because our midwife had no idea there was an issue, even though it was clearly noted all in my chart that my son had a defect. I want to punish people, but I realize that when it's said & done it won't change anything, but it's as close to making peace as I believe I'll get for people giving my son no chance.
I'm rambling& I think this is even the first time I've posted on your blog, though I've read it for a while now. My point is that you aren't alone in the guilt, we all ask what ifs & blame ourselves. I'm sorry you loss your Levi.
I have always been pretty vocal about the fact that I got less than competent medical care during the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy. You know, you just trust that your doctor has your best interest at heart, and in most cases-- as it was for me-- it never even crosses your mind that babies *do* in fact die. Who thinks that? No one. Unless you've had a baby die. And by then, well it's too late to change what happened before. It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya.
Anyway, hang in there, friend. Like I said, anniversaries are so hard. I will be continuing to think of you as Levi's approaches. <3
I, too, noticed the lack of movement in my sweet baby girl, but was dismissed by my doctor. Several days later, I insisted on extra testing with a specialist, and was immediately ordered to have an emergency c-section. My daughter was born alive, but died shortly after. I've struggled with the guilt over and over. What if I had insisted on the extra testing at my appointment? Would she be here? Would I be holding her right now instead of grieving for her?
I truly appreciate your openness and honesty. I feel like you've given me the freedom to feel the grief and guilt and to start healing. Thank you.