We walked into the hospital in a daze. A friend who works there had done as much as she could to check me in and they let my mom finish the rest of the paper work. I just stood and cried. As we walked into the labor and delivery I was touched to see the tears in the eyes of nurses I'd only met once a month before. They'd taken the warming bed out of the room but it still had reminders of the happiness it should have had.
They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all.
The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered if he just didn't want to be stuck at the hospital with me all weekend but I didn't argue. After two days of being hooked up to everything and having no desire to see the visitors that kept coming by I was ready for a break.
The time at the house was so surreal. I still looked pregnant... Technically I guess - still was... Physically I didn't feel any different than before we got the news... Emotionally... I bounced between grief, shock, hope and denial. Hope... I know that word seems out of place but its true. I thought if Lazarus had been restored life after the grave why couldn't my baby have life restored while still in the womb. I prayed for a miracle but I also prayed that God's will might be done... Even if that wasn't the miracle my heart desired.
Monday was back to the hospital. They raised me up to the highest level of pitocin. During the time I labored, the parents and Tommy tried to keep my spirits up and also shield me as much as possible. I think everyone in our small town heard the news and came to the hospital to see us... I just didn't want to be seen. As touched as I was that so many people cared despite not really knowing us(just to remind you we'd only really met people in town since opening the shop in September), I wasn't ready to talk. Poor Tommy... He got stuck calling people, warding people away at the door, later making all the initial funeral arrangements... I feel bad that he had to function through his grief, though he has shared that it helped him feel as though he could do something to help me.
Labor on Monday progressed about as well as it did the previous four days. By mid afternoon the doctor decided it was time to break my water to see if that would help but just as he was about to it broke on its own. That still didn't help though. They came into give me an epidural to see if that would help... It only numbed one side of my body. I still wasn't dilating though. I don't know how much of it was physical and how much was psychological but my body clearly wasn't giving this baby up on its own. We had discussed the possibility of a c-section before I was sent home for the weekend and it was clear that it was inevitable- particularly after my water broke. After one failed attempt at the epidural I told them I didn't want them trying again. I know general anesthesia has its risks... But I was ok with risks to my body- just not my baby's... But that was no longer a concern. They wheeled me back but since I was going under general Tommy wasn't allowed in the OR.
They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all.
The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered if he just didn't want to be stuck at the hospital with me all weekend but I didn't argue. After two days of being hooked up to everything and having no desire to see the visitors that kept coming by I was ready for a break.
The time at the house was so surreal. I still looked pregnant... Technically I guess - still was... Physically I didn't feel any different than before we got the news... Emotionally... I bounced between grief, shock, hope and denial. Hope... I know that word seems out of place but its true. I thought if Lazarus had been restored life after the grave why couldn't my baby have life restored while still in the womb. I prayed for a miracle but I also prayed that God's will might be done... Even if that wasn't the miracle my heart desired.
Monday was back to the hospital. They raised me up to the highest level of pitocin. During the time I labored, the parents and Tommy tried to keep my spirits up and also shield me as much as possible. I think everyone in our small town heard the news and came to the hospital to see us... I just didn't want to be seen. As touched as I was that so many people cared despite not really knowing us(just to remind you we'd only really met people in town since opening the shop in September), I wasn't ready to talk. Poor Tommy... He got stuck calling people, warding people away at the door, later making all the initial funeral arrangements... I feel bad that he had to function through his grief, though he has shared that it helped him feel as though he could do something to help me.
Labor on Monday progressed about as well as it did the previous four days. By mid afternoon the doctor decided it was time to break my water to see if that would help but just as he was about to it broke on its own. That still didn't help though. They came into give me an epidural to see if that would help... It only numbed one side of my body. I still wasn't dilating though. I don't know how much of it was physical and how much was psychological but my body clearly wasn't giving this baby up on its own. We had discussed the possibility of a c-section before I was sent home for the weekend and it was clear that it was inevitable- particularly after my water broke. After one failed attempt at the epidural I told them I didn't want them trying again. I know general anesthesia has its risks... But I was ok with risks to my body- just not my baby's... But that was no longer a concern. They wheeled me back but since I was going under general Tommy wasn't allowed in the OR.
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