What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things.
I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursday. The 14th seemed to be a day of sorrow... the 20th was more of a day of funk. Once again poor Tommy got the brunt of it. I was snippy and on edge the whole morning- he hadn't done a thing but I find it's safer to vent to him. Even in the moment I apologized for snapping at him- I knew it wasn't him, he knew it wasn't him... and yet I continued.
Thursday I was back to normal though. The funk had lifted. Except then he got stuck dealing with damage control for my emotional state this month. Apparently I've said both too much and too little to someone we love and now they're hurt and I'm hurt and I don't think either one knows how to make things right again. Maybe things will get better come February. I've only got one more potentially emotional day in January. The 28th. The day Levi was actually due. I don't expect it to be difficult this year... but I always try to prepare myself just in case.
This roller coaster is so strange. I know the emotional days are coming- I can see myself falling with eyes wide open- but then the cart starts climbing up the track again. The ride leaves me with wobbly knees but I make it.
I didn't expect to be able to be as excited as I am for this baby. My plan was to leave everything boxed up until this baby was born. Just as our dads took the crib down while I was in the hospital after Levi died I figured they could put it back together while I was in the hospital after this baby comes out crying. But then plans change. I'm finding myself wanting to prepare. I never did really have the urge to nest with Levi. The only item that had been taken out of the box was the crib. But I have that urge now. Is God preparing my heart and home for this baby to come home with me? I hope so. I cling to that hope... and have unpacked and put together the crib, stroller & car seat, bouncer and swing. The bassinet is soon to follow.
It's good to hope again.
I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursday. The 14th seemed to be a day of sorrow... the 20th was more of a day of funk. Once again poor Tommy got the brunt of it. I was snippy and on edge the whole morning- he hadn't done a thing but I find it's safer to vent to him. Even in the moment I apologized for snapping at him- I knew it wasn't him, he knew it wasn't him... and yet I continued.
Thursday I was back to normal though. The funk had lifted. Except then he got stuck dealing with damage control for my emotional state this month. Apparently I've said both too much and too little to someone we love and now they're hurt and I'm hurt and I don't think either one knows how to make things right again. Maybe things will get better come February. I've only got one more potentially emotional day in January. The 28th. The day Levi was actually due. I don't expect it to be difficult this year... but I always try to prepare myself just in case.
This roller coaster is so strange. I know the emotional days are coming- I can see myself falling with eyes wide open- but then the cart starts climbing up the track again. The ride leaves me with wobbly knees but I make it.
I didn't expect to be able to be as excited as I am for this baby. My plan was to leave everything boxed up until this baby was born. Just as our dads took the crib down while I was in the hospital after Levi died I figured they could put it back together while I was in the hospital after this baby comes out crying. But then plans change. I'm finding myself wanting to prepare. I never did really have the urge to nest with Levi. The only item that had been taken out of the box was the crib. But I have that urge now. Is God preparing my heart and home for this baby to come home with me? I hope so. I cling to that hope... and have unpacked and put together the crib, stroller & car seat, bouncer and swing. The bassinet is soon to follow.
It's good to hope again.
Comments
Saying special prayers for you as you remember Levi's due date this week.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and Levi today on his due date. ((hug))