Life After Levi

So today has been a good day- uneventful but rather normal. We had some mini rushes at the coffee shop which was good- we really need the business because I can barely handle the stress of everything else- let alone financial worries too. Anyway, it's wierd because sometimes on these "normal" days I feel guilty because there isn't anything normal about my life anymore yet having days like today gives me hope too... I've decided if I ever have a daughter I'm going to name her Hope. Romans 5:3-5 says "3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I figure I'm doing the suffering part now and it produces Hope so what better name =) But off that sidebar. I'm job hunting right now so that we can make ends meet ...

I've been reading other people's blogs today. Tommy asked me once if reading about other people's experiences just made me more depressed. I hadn't really consciencly thought about it but as I did I realized that no... when I read about the loss of other people I just feel less lonely & find some small comfort knowing that my feelings are somewhat normal. It seems like no one else understands and assumes that just because they've forgotten my loss I should be OK now. We've lost friends & customers during the time that we need people the most and I've never felt as lonely as I do now. Some people have been really nice & caring but others act as though we have some contagious disease and want nothing to do with us. I want to write a letter to the ob I was going to & let him know what my life has been like- I don't know that Levi's life would have been saved if he'd listened to me but at least I'd know now that everything ...

Faith has always been a fairly common topic of conversation between my husband and I but even more so since Levi's death. Before I accepted that God is a good, loving, just God without question but I've since struggled with that. I'm very angry with Him (and also the OB) and wonder what the justice is in this? How is this loving? Despite my questions I haven't wavered much (until some recently) that God has a purpose in this and He's still watching over us. All the while Tommy has been obedient in reading his Bible for obedience sake but has wondered how my faith has seemed so steady (for lack of a better word). I think it's because of all the little things. It seems as though every book I've read recently has a store line involving a stillbirth or death of an infant- and I'm not seeking out stories that connect to my life- if anything I'm trying to find escapes from my life. Another example- we were listening to the radio the other day & it sta...

I found this in a support group but it's pretty fitting... I know it's been a while but overall I've had good moments and bad moments but only a few good days and I can't think of a week that's passed that I'd call good. I WISH... 1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition. 2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal. 3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand. 4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her. 5. I wish you could tell me you ...

Tommy & I were talking last night about how robbed we feel... some people may think it's been enough time to stop dwelling on our loss & focusing on the future. On one hand it's been five months... on the other hand it's only been five months... if Levi were with us he'd be smiling right now and reaching for things, he'd be lifting his head and babbling. He'd still be very much a baby and we'd still very much be new parents. One of our customers came in today as I was trying to figure out when we'd be closing up for Father's day & our anniversary and started talking about how we needed to stay open for the consistancy of our customers... and we shouldn't close up just to go "play at the beach". I think this is the first time a customer's comments have actually hurt... we closed for a week while I was in the hospital and then started opening for half days but besides that the doors have been open. I quickly explained ...

SORROW In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all, and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it, will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement. -Abraham Lincoln

So I made it through Mother's day, barely, and now I'm struggling to figure out what to do for Tommy for Father's day... what do you get for a childless father??? I went to get him something for the garden yesterday but they didn't have what I wanted but while I was there I overheard another customer talking about her nursery and the baby that's coming any minute now. Amidst tears I ducked into a back room and busied myself looking at other items so as not to make a scene and when I finally pulled myself together quickly made a purchase and left. To top it all off the hospital called and said the pictures of Levi were back and I could pick them up at the nurse's station. I know I should have sent Tommy to get them but I was determined to make myself go and so I braved it down the maternity ward to collect the pics. It was weird, as soon as I walked into that section of the hospital I started feeling shaky and as soon as I explained why I was there my voice ...