Life After Levi

It's been an emotional Christmas. After we closed up the shop Christmas Eve we packed up the car and went out to the cemetery before heading to my parents' house. I don't go out there as often anymore which makes it harder sometimes when I do go now because I feel like it's neglected. The feelings are so conflicting- I don't believe that Levi is there- sure his body is but his soul is long gone- but at the same time when I see the grass and weeds growing up too high I feel guilt. The tears flowed for a while driving down but by the time we reached my in-law's to drop off our dog I was ok. I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short r...

Yesterday a lady I barely know found out I was pregnant. She was so excited she bought me the cutest little baby security blanket! Even more touching to me was when she told me how much she'd been praying for us :) I am amazed that people that barely know me care so much about me and how I'm doing. Today I needed that security blanket myself. I went to the doctor today- everything with the baby is good- but I struggled making January's appointment. I asked for an extra appointment to get through the month- the doctor told me she'd be happy to make an appointment for me to see a nurse and hear the heartbeat. I think subconsciously I was hoping for an extra ultrasound- especially now that I have the Doppler at home. I haven't been anxious about Christmas- but I'm worried I'll be worried all of January with this baby. I went ahead and made the appointment, but I'll probably end up canceling it. We'll see. I'm hoping it's like last year- the anti...

This month I wanted to share the ways I included Levi into Christmas last year with everyone from Kelly's site- The Beauty of Sufficient Grace . If you are feeling lost wondering what to do this Christmas head over there and I hope you find some ideas and comfort. Last year at Christmas I just tried to stay busy at the store. It's strange- we decorated there and it didn't bother me but I struggled going into other stores- so I didn't. I think I went into one store to buy Tommy's gift, then one to buy gifts for our parents and one to buy an ornament for Levi. Tommy's gift had no sentimental value attached- he got a Nintendo DS just to make him smile. Our parents (besides getting coffee & tea) got an ornament. There's a local engraver in town so I got Levi's hand print etched into crystal (I got one for us too). I had to darken Levi's hand print a little because they couldn't work with any grey scale but you can't tell the difference if y...