Life After Levi

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching. I am thankful for the manna. A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job......

It's been an emotional Christmas. After we closed up the shop Christmas Eve we packed up the car and went out to the cemetery before heading to my parents' house. I don't go out there as often anymore which makes it harder sometimes when I do go now because I feel like it's neglected. The feelings are so conflicting- I don't believe that Levi is there- sure his body is but his soul is long gone- but at the same time when I see the grass and weeds growing up too high I feel guilt. The tears flowed for a while driving down but by the time we reached my in-law's to drop off our dog I was ok. I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short r...

Yesterday a lady I barely know found out I was pregnant. She was so excited she bought me the cutest little baby security blanket! Even more touching to me was when she told me how much she'd been praying for us :) I am amazed that people that barely know me care so much about me and how I'm doing. Today I needed that security blanket myself. I went to the doctor today- everything with the baby is good- but I struggled making January's appointment. I asked for an extra appointment to get through the month- the doctor told me she'd be happy to make an appointment for me to see a nurse and hear the heartbeat. I think subconsciously I was hoping for an extra ultrasound- especially now that I have the Doppler at home. I haven't been anxious about Christmas- but I'm worried I'll be worried all of January with this baby. I went ahead and made the appointment, but I'll probably end up canceling it. We'll see. I'm hoping it's like last year- the anti...

The feelings of forgiveness are fading and I'm not happy with that. The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine. Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death? I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi....

Sunday I started to post and I just couldn't get the words out. This is as far as I got: So its 6 p.m. and I'm still in my pj's. My paranoia took over this morning and while I've calmed down since then I still haven't had the energy to do much of anything. I expect days like this but they're still tough. I'm ok now. The tears have dried (though they started up again on Monday). I'm not feeling as though my world is crashing down again. I still feel so much hope for this baby, but when the waves of grief come they knock me down and I feel like I'm gasping for breath. I feel like the boy's father in Mark 9. Mark 9:24 24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" I know that God can bring this baby into the world happy and healthy. But sometimes I struggle wondering if He will . That was my struggle on Sunday. I know that ultimately God controls whether this baby lives or dies- not me. I want ...

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not. I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made the...

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek G...

Hopefully soon I'll be able to catch my breath but for now I've been staying busy. I went to the doctor's office last week and my numbers were good- I'll go again on the 23rd and have an ultrasound. My days have consisted of sleeping, nauseousness, more sleeping and school work- even the nauseousness has been wonderful. I do feel bad though- Tommy has been running the shop basically single handedly. I remember sleeping a lot with Levi too but the shop wasn't open yet so my days were much more flexible. I was hitting the end of my first trimester and gaining more energy when we opened our doors two years ago. It's interesting. Most people's comments after we lost Levi didn't hurt, I knew they didn't know what to say and I was grateful they were at least willing to have the courage to say anything at all. Now though... I'm finding the comments really hurt. This morning a man told me that the worst thing was getting home and not knowing what to do w...

So I wasn't quite as ready or as strong as I thought I was... I went to my first baby shower today for someone I've been friends with since I was in diapers. I really thought I'd be ok... I know I struggled with the reunion last weekend but I thought this weekend would be different- this time the focus would be only on her- not on an entire group of people with kids. I was wrong. Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't. I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at ...

I've been reading the Psalms lately. It's interesting how experience can open one's eyes. I used to wonder why some of the Psalms were exclaiming the praises of God and others were wondering why God had forsaken them. I used to think King David was bi-polar... while he might have been I question that uneducated diagnosis and conclusion I was so quick to jump to. I didn't know any better then, now I realize the depths of his words. He knowingly sent a man to his death so that his infidelity wouldn't be discovered and then buried the child from that union. I'm sure that his heart was troubled during this time. He knew he was responsible for pain and sorrow. He'd had so many things going for him and in many ways he threw it all away. He still praised God for the blessings he had but cried out in the days of darkness. I've never knowingly caused physical harm like this but I understand the complexities of emotions a little better now. I have great pain and s...

one giant leap for me!!! Last week I shared some of the ways I'd faced my fears and realized I was stronger than I thought... well the trend continued. There's a new couple in town and the wife has been coming into the coffee shop. Well... she invited me to her place for an open house so I went. Did I mention she's also pregnant and showing? (And for J. she drinks decaf so I didn't even have to think about throwing bagels at her :)) I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was...

Today I'm in a funk. My husband has declared that I'm either pregnant or soon to discover that I'm not. He's probably right. It's strange how one day I can feel like life is starting to feel like well life again and then the next I'm crying and feeling hurt again. I'm not back to square one, far from it, but it's nothing new. Two steps forward, one step back. One of our customers came in and was talking about how life just continues on and keeps going despite the changes life brings us. I nodded my understanding but really I don't feel that way. I feel like my life took a ninety degree turn and flat lined. At times it feels like life begins again and sometimes it goes back to flat lining. On January 14, 2008 the world kept spinning. Mine stopped. I've been pondering this today and come to the realization that I'm still hurt that the lives of some people close to me didn't flat line when mine did. It's not fair to them that I expected ...

These two definitions seem so different but I've really been struggling with them lately. Test : 1 achiefly British : cupel b (1): a critical examination, observation, or evaluation : trial ; specifically : the procedure of submitting a statement to such conditions or operations as will lead to its proof or disproof or to its acceptance or rejection (2): a basis for evaluation : criterion c: an ordeal or oath required as proof of conformity with a set of beliefs Trust: 1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit I trust God and He is far above any evaluation I could ever give Him but still I worry sometimes that I'm testing. I know I can rely on Him, I know His character is good but it's hard sometimes when I'm in the midst of trials to not want...

So I picked up the phone and made the call. I called my friend who shared the news of her baby's birth on Jan 9th. The conversation was hard but I'm glad I did it. While we weren't the best of friends, she always talked about Levi and seemed to want to genuinely know how I was doing. I feel bad that I really can't be there for her emotionally when she needs it but I think she understands why and has let me re-initiate the lines of communication. I asked about her little girl... who at two months old is still smaller than Levi was and just got to go home from the hospital and is still hooked up to monitors. She asked about the Levi's Hope project and wants to donate blankets. She also apoligized for sharing her news on the 9th. I admitted it was (and still is) hard hearing it and told her I answered the phone only because she was due in March and then we left that subject and moved on because really nothing more needed to be said. I'm thankful for her appollogy a...

Yesterday was a lot harder than I expected. I've braced myself for the 9th (the day we found out Levi's heart had stopped) and the 14th (the day he was born still) but I didn't expect such a rush of emotions yesterday. Last year on the 2nd was the last time I heard Levi's heart beat. It was the day I asked about a lack of movement only to be told that was normal. It was the day I was given a choice for a Monday or a Wednesday appointment and I chose Wednesday. I have all these what if's and why's flying through my head causing the tears to flow down my cheeks. What if I'd gone with a different doctor, would they have listened? What if I'd known to insist on a non-stress test? What if I'd switched doctors in December? Why did God allow me to even notice a lack of movement, why didn't He just cause his heart to stop suddenly? Would Levi be here if I'd gone with the Monday appointment instead of Wednesday- or was God allowing Tommy to be there w...

I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog. For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began. ...

A few months ago I had panic attacks whenever Tommy had to leave the store and I got more than two customers to deal with. Nothing extreme- just feelings of anxiety but no hyperventilating or anything. Friday though I had to run the store on my own because Tommy still has about a week to go to recover from his surgery and one of our employees had an emergency and had to leave after being there less than thirty minutes. It was one of the bustiest days in the past six months and I managed on my own- with no panic attacks. I also didn't feel like I was 'getting over' Levi's death as he came up in conversations with a few customers so I didn't end the day feeling as though I should have been thinking more about Levi and less about work. It's also given me a better appreciation of what Tommy did when he came back to work and let me grieve. On a different note I've been reading a really good book called 'God on Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Pr...

Yesterday was three months after the c-section so Tommy & I took the day off (thanks to Tara & Rachel) and worked on a memorial garden where we can sit & think. For being a potentially rough day it wasn't too bad- I was able to think about Levi and get out my frustrations on the weeds. The yard is already pretty well lanscaped so we're adding to it but we aren't having to start from scratch. We found a really cool (but very reasonably priced) fountain with an elephant that shoots water out of it's trunk. It's very whimsical and childlike without being an angel or little kid pouring water out of a can (no offense if those are your style). Eventually we want to add some other major things but for now we'll start with the fountain. I picked out some roses too and I'm hoping the deer won't eat them. I tried rooting some of the roses from Levi's spray and for a while it looked like half of them were going to make it but one by one they ...

There's an elephant in the room. He's my elephant, though I didn't ask for him. Some people are afraid of my elephant and me, but my elephant won't hurt them, nor is he contagious. They won't be given their own elephant just because they've reached out and touched mine. There's an elephant in the room. Some people ask about my elephant from afar but try not to notice him when they come into my room. Even when I leave my room my elephant comes with me. My elephant doesn't belong in a zoo or circus, he is my elephant to bear the burden of. There's an elephant in the room. I let people pretend they don't notice my elephant, then I just care for my elephant alone later. I know they've never had their own elephant to care for and aren't used to the looks and smells of mine. Some people have there own elephants and tell me how they've lived with theirs but have a hard time discussing mine. I think they might be scared that my elephant might...