Life After Levi

Passover- I wonder what the Pharaoh thought when Moses told him that all the firstborn sons would die in the night. Was my heart hardened when I first had that inclination? Or was God just preparing my heart heart for the loss to come? Did Pharaoh even tell the other Egyptians? Would it have mattered? Obviously word quickly spread through the Israelite community and they prepared... the blood of the lambs protected them. I'm so grateful for the blood of The Lamb that protects me still. The angel of death has visited my household- but while it robbed Levi of his breath, it did not steal his eternal life, nor did it rob me of my hope. We go from Passover- a celebration that death did not stop at the Israelite homes. A celebration I feel I can not partake in... but then Easter comes... and while death had occurred, it did not have power over the grave!! That's something worth celebrating to me! I wonder what Jesus thought of the irony as he sat to dine at his final Passover feast?...

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things. I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursda...