Life After Levi

I signed up a while ago to be apart of a study on grief and just completed a survey. It's detailed (meaning it took longer than five minutes to complete- luckily Madalyn is napping now) but I felt it was worthwhile... if you have some time they want to hear the views of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends who have experienced the death of a child. http://tearstudy.org I'm not sure if I misrepresented my grieving or not... it asked questions about the last seven days. If you'd asked me three weeks ago or two months ago my answers would've been different. I don't know if it was the focus of October 15th or not but I was definitely an emotional wreck for about a week. I haven't been hit with too many waves of grief in a while so in an odd sort of way its felt good to just let the tears come. Its given me a different perspective on things. Its hard to grieve and parent at the same time. I had never realized how in some ways it was a blessing ...

  Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :) Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery. Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post . I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either. Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband ...

What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things. I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursda...

It took me about 30 mins to come out of anesthesia and another 30 mins to really shake my dopey state. They waited until I was with it before bringing Levi in. Physically I couldn't really sit up very well so Levi was laid beside me. When I saw him my hopes and prayers for a miracle quickly disappeared. I knew he was gone from this world and I'd have to wait for my time to go before I'd even get to look into his eyes. Despite reality setting in, I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. He looked so perfect- and yet so fragile. He was a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz with fat cheeks and full lips... but his skin had already started to tear. I watched him carefully as he was passed around to all the family members- feeling the need to keep a close eye on him... and yet there was nothing they could have done nor would they have done to harm him in any way. When Tommy held him it was different though. I watched him closely thinking of what could have been. He walked back and forth in ...

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still. There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back. The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is. I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted t...

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not. I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made the...

So I wasn't quite as ready or as strong as I thought I was... I went to my first baby shower today for someone I've been friends with since I was in diapers. I really thought I'd be ok... I know I struggled with the reunion last weekend but I thought this weekend would be different- this time the focus would be only on her- not on an entire group of people with kids. I was wrong. Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't. I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at ...

Today I'm in a funk. My husband has declared that I'm either pregnant or soon to discover that I'm not. He's probably right. It's strange how one day I can feel like life is starting to feel like well life again and then the next I'm crying and feeling hurt again. I'm not back to square one, far from it, but it's nothing new. Two steps forward, one step back. One of our customers came in and was talking about how life just continues on and keeps going despite the changes life brings us. I nodded my understanding but really I don't feel that way. I feel like my life took a ninety degree turn and flat lined. At times it feels like life begins again and sometimes it goes back to flat lining. On January 14, 2008 the world kept spinning. Mine stopped. I've been pondering this today and come to the realization that I'm still hurt that the lives of some people close to me didn't flat line when mine did. It's not fair to them that I expected ...

I was talking to a friend about death yesterday... it's her business... I'm sure our paths would have crossed at some point- we're in a small town- but I don't know if a friendship would have formed if she hadn't prepared my son for burial. I've mentioned it before but it helps having someone that feels comfortable talking about death. Before losing Levi it's a subject I would have avoided. I still don't always feel free to talk though - death makes people feel uncomfortable (which is why I generally write instead of talk). But she's chosen to deal with death as her profession so I don't worry when I talk to her that she'll try to find a way to change the subject (though we do talk about other things too). We both know death in our own way and yet we don't know it at all. We don't know exactly what happens after death comes. We don't know what each survivor is going through either. I know what it's been like for me to loose my...

I started writing this last year and never really felt it was finished. I still feel it needs more but thought with mother's day coming up I'd share it. For all the mothers longing to be moms.... I have the marks of a mother I have the marks of a mother. The stretch marks that resulted from my lack of cocoa butter. I’ve never been one to primp in the morning and having to open up the store as early as we did I always chose an extra minute or two of sleep rather than make up and lotions. Now I look at the marks and as unsightly as they are I’m glad they’re there; my stretch marks are a reminder of the time I had Levi with me. I have the marks of a mother. We can swap pregnancy and labor stories but no matter how much your back hurt or how much indigestion you had it makes no difference when your baby first smiles at you. You may talk about the 48 hours you endured the pain but my birth plan went out the window when no heartbeat was found. It was for my baby that I wasn...

I spent some time working in the garden yesterday. Have I mentioned before that I love being out there? It's like an obsession... I keep finding projects to do and plants I want to fill in in certain spots. We have a few things that are flowering right now but not many. We have a few large items that I think are really cool but when I step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective the garden takes a different look. Others don't see the growth from the plants, they might see the weeds that are there but not realize that twice as many have been pulled, they don't see the blooms that were there yesterday but have dropped today. (the photos include some recent blooms but many are from last season that haven't opened yet) How often are our lives like this too? People may think we're having a bad day but don't realize that compared to the days gone by we're doing okay or celebrate the good days we've had. They don't see the internal struggles to j...

They say time heals all wounds... I think there's some truth to that statement but I think I'd have to modifiy it a little. As long as you aren't letting small cuts get infected or picking at scabs then yes, time will heal small wounds. If you loose your arm it isn't like you'll grow another with time (unless of course you're a starfish) and I think the same is true with major emotional wounds. Time doesn't completely heal- you just learn to adapt and deal with the pain. Things may get easier as time passes because you've learned ways to cope but time doesn't fix whatever has caused the pain in the first place. I was thinking about the physical and emotional scars in life as I was doing crunches the other day. I had never understood how weather affected scars and things (my husband broke his arm in high school and it aches depending on the weather) but I'm beginning to get it. I don't normally notice my scar from my c-section but when I'v...

January hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be- the entire month is full of significant dates and I'm taking them one at a time... January 2 nd I heard Levi's heartbeat for the last time and asked my doctor about the lack of movement... January 9 th we received the news that there was no longer a heartbeat at what we expected to be a routine ultrasound appointment... January 14 th we got to meet Levi for the first time after he was delivered stillborn... January 20 th we buried Levi... January 28 th was Levi's due date. There's so much in each of the dates. This year I wasn't expecting to struggle with the 2 nd but Tommy and I had already decided to take off the 9 th -14 th which turned out to be just what we needed. The 9 th we went to some somewhat local gardens and just relaxed and enjoyed the time together without having to deal with people at all. I think because the day had started so well and Tommy had been so good to me I was able to cope ...

Yesterday was a lot harder than I expected. I've braced myself for the 9th (the day we found out Levi's heart had stopped) and the 14th (the day he was born still) but I didn't expect such a rush of emotions yesterday. Last year on the 2nd was the last time I heard Levi's heart beat. It was the day I asked about a lack of movement only to be told that was normal. It was the day I was given a choice for a Monday or a Wednesday appointment and I chose Wednesday. I have all these what if's and why's flying through my head causing the tears to flow down my cheeks. What if I'd gone with a different doctor, would they have listened? What if I'd known to insist on a non-stress test? What if I'd switched doctors in December? Why did God allow me to even notice a lack of movement, why didn't He just cause his heart to stop suddenly? Would Levi be here if I'd gone with the Monday appointment instead of Wednesday- or was God allowing Tommy to be there w...

I've just finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom and I have to confess, I'm feeling a little convicted. I've felt so swallowed in my grief and my situations and I know that I've fallen short of the mark. Not that I will ever achieve perfection, I know better than to think that... but I'm disappointed in myself. If you've never read the book I highly recommend it. Her family hid Jews from the Nazis in their home in Holland and were later taken to concentration camps. What amazes me though is her heart (and her sister Betsie's as well) towards the guards and her faith in Christ. It's one of love and forgiveness. Her faith brought hope in the middle of the barracks when all circumstances around them would shout hopelessness. During the last ten months I've been so angry at God and the doctors and yet I long to have the love and faith of this woman. I've felt convicted as I've read because I know that my suffering does not even com...

The tears haven't been flowing often lately but last night the floodgates opened up. I was looking for a book I was given shortly after I lost Levi and wanted to re-read it to see if it would be appropriate for the kits I'm trying to put together. I couldn't find it but as I went into the room that will one day be a nursery I sat in the glider and looked at the few baby things we had. We don't have much because I was waiting to see what I got at my first shower- which would have been the Sunday after we got the news- and also because I wanted a surprise as far as the gender goes so we had some yellow, green & tan outfits but really not a whole lot. One of the outfits I splurged on last year got the tears flowing. I found it the day after Thanksgiving- though it wasn't on sale. It was a white one piece with a fuzzy lining and hood with tiny ears. When I first saw it I pictured our little polar bear baby bundled up in it as I didn't want them getting an...

A little while ago I was reading another blog that really inspired me- check it out here: http://afifthseason.blogspot.com/2008/09/caitlins-gifts.html . January seems to be coming so quickly and I can't believe that nine months have passed already though I know my grief is not so raw and I can feel healing taking place. Today for example started out a disaster- we woke up an hour late and when we got to the store found the roof is leaking. A few months ago I would have broken down and had panic attacks but today I felt like I took it in stride. We've called the landlord and dried what needed to be dried (thank goodness not much was damaged besides the ceiling though) and now there's nothing more for us to do for the moment. Later we found out that someone's washer & dryer got delivered & was hooked up incorrectly so we're just glad it was relatively clean water. I'm not happy that we keep having one crisis after another because Levi's death should h...

A few months ago I had panic attacks whenever Tommy had to leave the store and I got more than two customers to deal with. Nothing extreme- just feelings of anxiety but no hyperventilating or anything. Friday though I had to run the store on my own because Tommy still has about a week to go to recover from his surgery and one of our employees had an emergency and had to leave after being there less than thirty minutes. It was one of the bustiest days in the past six months and I managed on my own- with no panic attacks. I also didn't feel like I was 'getting over' Levi's death as he came up in conversations with a few customers so I didn't end the day feeling as though I should have been thinking more about Levi and less about work. It's also given me a better appreciation of what Tommy did when he came back to work and let me grieve. On a different note I've been reading a really good book called 'God on Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Pr...

All week a friend of ours kept telling us we needed to go see a play she was in over the weekend. Tommy was skeptical when she told us about a scene where she was eating at a funeral and felt that he wasn't quite ready yet for something that makes light of funerals but following opening night some of our other friends also urged us to go telling us how funny it was. All we knew about the play was just that... and the title was "Dearly Departed". I talked Tommy into going and we also invited another friend of ours- huge mistake!!!! I don't know why but the name had never really registered with me that the whole play was going to be about someone that had passed away and since everyone talked about how funny it was it would also be making light of the dead. Why don't I listen to my husband more? Why do I make him do things so we can "show support for friends"? Back to the play though. As soon as I saw the program I started having a mini panic attack but si...

I found this in a support group but it's pretty fitting... I know it's been a while but overall I've had good moments and bad moments but only a few good days and I can't think of a week that's passed that I'd call good. I WISH... 1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he or she doesn't deserve your recognition. 2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal. 3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand. 4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him or her. 5. I wish you could tell me you ...