The tears haven't been flowing often lately but last night the floodgates opened up. I was looking for a book I was given shortly after I lost Levi and wanted to re-read it to see if it would be appropriate for the kits I'm trying to put together. I couldn't find it but as I went into the room that will one day be a nursery I sat in the glider and looked at the few baby things we had. We don't have much because I was waiting to see what I got at my first shower- which would have been the Sunday after we got the news- and also because I wanted a surprise as far as the gender goes so we had some yellow, green & tan outfits but really not a whole lot. One of the outfits I splurged on last year got the tears flowing. I found it the day after Thanksgiving- though it wasn't on sale. It was a white one piece with a fuzzy lining and hood with tiny ears. When I first saw it I pictured our little polar bear baby bundled up in it as I didn't want them getting any chills in the night air. I felt silly paying full price for something that wouldn't fit long and knowing the weather is unpredictable so the baby may not need something that warm but I hadn't seen too many gender neutral things that I just loved so I got it. As I opened the rubbermaid bin to see it once more I found the outfits proclaiming love for mommy or daddy and the blanket knitted for the baby from one of my best friend's mom. I found the books we'd bought on parenting and 'what to expect the first year' and found myself reading all the milestones Levi should be passing. I found the extra ultrasound we got & framed because they had a hard time picking up Levi's heartbeat on the doplar at one of my early appointments. I don't have the blanket knitted for him by one of his aunts or the teddy bear picked out by another aunt, I don't have the silver rattle that Tommy bought when we first found out we were pregnant, I don't have these things because we placed them in the coffin with Levi. I know that these things will never have any meaning for me but it was my way of putting a part of me & us in there with him. This morning I woke up still thinking of Levi and wondering what he'd be doing now but the tears have dried and I can face the day.
Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...
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It's now in her hope chest, and I hadn't actually thought about that one piece of clothing in some time until just now.
We had every last thing for Sophie. Everything. Now, it's all been condensed into a hope chest. Or maybe a "dream" chest is better. Because in that chest are all the dreams I had for my baby.
Everything that didn't fit into that chest-- we got rid of. I couldn't imagine using Sophie's things for another baby.
Anyway--Sometimes you search for the perfect words to make someone feel better-- but sometimes just knowing that people care-- that helps to heal your broken heart just a little bit-- more than any words can.
You & Levi are *always* close to my heart. <3
Looking at and touching those unused baby items can be so heartwrenching sometimes.
We had everything ready for Liam. The babybag packed full, the dresser bursting with newborn clothes, the diaper pail waiting to be filled. After Liam died, I would sit in his room and open each drawer, unfold and fold those impossibly tiny outfits.
We packed up the nursery a few months ago. We gave away a few things, but kept most of it "just in case" we could find the courage to try again. Some things will be Liam's only, forever. His going home outfit is one of those things.
I am sorry your heart is so heavy right now. This journey is difficult beyond words. Know that you are not alone and I cry tears with you.
Amy