Life After Levi

A few months ago I had panic attacks whenever Tommy had to leave the store and I got more than two customers to deal with. Nothing extreme- just feelings of anxiety but no hyperventilating or anything. Friday though I had to run the store on my own because Tommy still has about a week to go to recover from his surgery and one of our employees had an emergency and had to leave after being there less than thirty minutes. It was one of the bustiest days in the past six months and I managed on my own- with no panic attacks. I also didn't feel like I was 'getting over' Levi's death as he came up in conversations with a few customers so I didn't end the day feeling as though I should have been thinking more about Levi and less about work. It's also given me a better appreciation of what Tommy did when he came back to work and let me grieve. On a different note I've been reading a really good book called 'God on Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Pr...

I have a love hate relationship with the garden. I went out there today when I went home at lunch to let our dog out and it's a little on the disheartening side right now. It was doing really well until Fay came and it really hasn't recovered from the insane amount of rain and wind. Most of what we have are perinneals though so I'm hoping that even though they look battered at the moment they'll recover and come back next year stronger than before. Time will tell. One of the reasons I like the garden is I feel more of a connection to God out there. My relationship with God hasn't been the best recently. Right after we lost Levi I clung to the belief that God has a purpose and that good will come from his death and the longer it's been the less I see any purpose for it. Who knows- maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be able to look back and see more of the bigger picture but for now it's hard. Through it all I do have faith and believe Romans 8:28 "...

What's going on in people's minds? I've had two people in the past week or two ask me if I've had the baby yet. They didn't ask how is the baby or where is the baby but did you have the baby?!? Levi passed away in January- I was 37 weeks pregnant when we lost him so it isn't as though my due date has recently passed. While I still have quite a bit of weight to loose I'm not pregnant looking and last time I checked I don't look like I'm expecting at any time. I know people are just trying to make small talk and be polite but it just seems like such a strange question to me. I am not an elephant who stays pregnant for two years. When I started telling the lady today that no, he'd passed away she seemed very uncomfortable and then she started rambling. I hate making people feel weird but I don't always know what to do. I've reconnected with a couple of old friends via facebook & myspace and never know how to respond to the gener...