Life After Levi

I completely forgot to mention this yesterday but I'm now officially in my third trimester!!! Today I was reading the Psalms so I thought I'd share. Psalm 8 A psalm of David. 1 O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. 2 From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. I often don't think of infants as praising God... children- yes- and their innocent faith and fervernt prayers can be so moving... but I just don't think about it with infants. So I checked out a couple of different versions of this verse and many of them made a much stronger connection between the first and second parts of the verse- and I can see that. As we go through life we might (ok- will) step on toes and push people away from us. But babies- it's hard to say anything bad about a baby. They're helpless. ...

I know the circumstances are different but sometimes I wonder if sometimes I have a problem looking back. Genesis 19 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. I haven't turned into a pillar of salt- but have become a puddle of salty tears. I don't always try to look back... but each time I get turned around I can tell the difference. There are times people pull me back and times something triggers me to look back but the results are often the same. I wonder why Lot's wife looked back. Was she thinking back about the life she once knew? Was she thinking of the friends she once had? Did she hear something that just distracted her from her forward path? Was it just a glace or was it a longing for what once was? In healing I have looked back and beat myself up over the what if's and felt anger at doctors and others... but it hasn't brought Levi back. It only brings salt to my eyes. I have looked back at the life I once had... and the plans I h...

So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too. Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least se...

Yesterday a lady I barely know found out I was pregnant. She was so excited she bought me the cutest little baby security blanket! Even more touching to me was when she told me how much she'd been praying for us :) I am amazed that people that barely know me care so much about me and how I'm doing. Today I needed that security blanket myself. I went to the doctor today- everything with the baby is good- but I struggled making January's appointment. I asked for an extra appointment to get through the month- the doctor told me she'd be happy to make an appointment for me to see a nurse and hear the heartbeat. I think subconsciously I was hoping for an extra ultrasound- especially now that I have the Doppler at home. I haven't been anxious about Christmas- but I'm worried I'll be worried all of January with this baby. I went ahead and made the appointment, but I'll probably end up canceling it. We'll see. I'm hoping it's like last year- the anti...

Romans 12:11-13 (New International Version) 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Joyful in hope My heart is full of hope today! I went and talked to another local hospital about giving out the pregnancy loss kits and just walked away feeling so touched!!!! The nurse-manager of the OB department was so encouraging and caring! They already have some wonderful things they do when women suffer a later loss but I think this will compliment that well. I know so often people want to be in the OB units because it's such a happy place but it's nice knowing there are those that understand the harsh reality that it is generally a happy place... not always. I cannot completely stop other families from suffering the same fate that we have but I can do my best to provide comfort during their time of need. I cannot do it ...

Tommy was so sweet on Tuesday (and the rest of the days too). He brought me roses to let me know he was thinking of Levi too and to brighten my day. Some of the conversations surrounding the roses have been interesting. Some have brought deeper connections; I've found out about a few losses that I didn't know of before. Only one poured salt in my wounds; after she inquired the reason for the flowers and I told her it marked 1 1/2 years after Levi's death she informed me that it is now time to have another. I think I made her uncomfortable when I politely told her we're working on it. The majority of the people just admire the roses and don't ask what they're for unless to jokingly ask if Tommy got in trouble for something. Unless they specifically ask, I haven't bothered explaining the occasion behind the gift and just let them be admired by all- a ray of sunshine from Levi. I've been feeling really good about the place I'm in and can see how far I...

Monday I weeded the garden for an hour and a half ... and only got through about a third of it. It's just been too hot lately- the temperatures here have been in the triple digits but it needed to be done. I didn't want the weeds choking the plants out, plus it just wasn't looking all that pretty anymore. All my free time in the garden lately has been spent watering, the heat has dried everything out so that it's a daily need. The garden... such a symbol of the soul. I know I'm repeating myself on some things but when I go out to the garden and really spend time out there I feel like I can just see the scripture through new eyes and with new understanding. Forgive me if I bore you but I just can't help myself sometimes. I've come to notice that hydrangeas are called that for a reason- the 'hydro' thing is so true- they suck up the water and look sad and droopy if they go a day without it. I've noticed people are that way too. Isaiah 1:30 You will...

Today I'm in a funk. My husband has declared that I'm either pregnant or soon to discover that I'm not. He's probably right. It's strange how one day I can feel like life is starting to feel like well life again and then the next I'm crying and feeling hurt again. I'm not back to square one, far from it, but it's nothing new. Two steps forward, one step back. One of our customers came in and was talking about how life just continues on and keeps going despite the changes life brings us. I nodded my understanding but really I don't feel that way. I feel like my life took a ninety degree turn and flat lined. At times it feels like life begins again and sometimes it goes back to flat lining. On January 14, 2008 the world kept spinning. Mine stopped. I've been pondering this today and come to the realization that I'm still hurt that the lives of some people close to me didn't flat line when mine did. It's not fair to them that I expected ...

If any of you reading are in the Birmingham area (or if you want an excuse to actually meet in real life rather than just virtually) please check out what Loni and her friend Abby have organized in memory of their babies Maddox, Braden and Brody. It's to raise money for a grief counseling center near them! Feel free to pass the word along- the more the merrier!! I'm so encouraged to see all the things different people are doing in memory of their babies to reach out to others who are hurting- some are knitting hats for local hospitals, some organizing events that both raise money and awareness, some write the names of these children to let the parents know their child is not forgotten, some offer their words of encouragement to others to let them know they aren't alone... the list goes on and on. I know in my own experience creating the pregnancy loss kits for the hospital here has been very healing in so many ways. It doesn't make all the pain go away but shines a lit...

I give up. Not totally but I'm not caring quite so much anymore. The bunnies are multiplying and they seem to laugh at my attempts to keep them away from their salad bar. Above is a picture of one of the bunnies in the front yard. Notice that it's surrounded by grass... plenty of food that I'd be happy for it to eat but I guess given the choice I'd prefer the flowers too. Below is a picture at the cemetery. My mom thought it'd be funny to have a bunny out there too- I must admit I got a kick out of it. Seeing the stone bunny and getting a chuckle out of it reminds me once again that while it might be a little annoying to plant the flowers to have them nibbled it's really not worth stressing & losing sleep over it. I've been reflecting back over the last six years of marriage too recently (our anniversary is tomorrow). Each year has brought different challenges- some brought on by ourselves; some out of our control. At times I feel like I'm defeated- ...

We took the weekend off to visit with friends. It wasn't a fun weekend though. I've been trying to analyze everything and while I know there are times that I have no rhyme or reason for my feelings I still try to come up with one. My husband's long time friends were down on their vacation and also invited some of their other friends they don't get to see often since they've moved away. Each of the couples has 3 kids- and then there's us and our dog. I've been doing well with kids lately and we've seen these friends since loosing Levi so I didn't think it'd be a big deal. All of them are older than Levi (though one is only 6 months older) so I wasn't stuck with infants or pregnant ladies. But still... it hit me hard. I think when we're the only ones without parenting stories to share it hits home more. We're the third wheel... Almost as soon as we got down there I could feel my throat tightening and myself tensing up. I tried ...