Life After Levi

I'm going to miss my Tallahassee support group. I've been going there for a year now but our employees have left us one by one for greener pastures & while we're happy for them I'm going to miss having them here. Our employees have given me time to heal in so many ways, they've worked and remained focused when I wasn't able to direct myself, much less them. All of that is for another post but one thing I'll miss out on without them here to cover the shop will be my support group I've been going to. The timing of the group up here wasn't planned that way but I'm glad it's working out the way that it is. On Monday we were talking about vocabulary and how it often doesn't fit grief. I found myself agreeing that there are words that just don't match what I'm feeling but they're the closest descriptions I know. (Which means I should probably work a little on my vocab, surely there are better, more descriptive terms?!?) Twice ...

Tommy was so sweet on Tuesday (and the rest of the days too). He brought me roses to let me know he was thinking of Levi too and to brighten my day. Some of the conversations surrounding the roses have been interesting. Some have brought deeper connections; I've found out about a few losses that I didn't know of before. Only one poured salt in my wounds; after she inquired the reason for the flowers and I told her it marked 1 1/2 years after Levi's death she informed me that it is now time to have another. I think I made her uncomfortable when I politely told her we're working on it. The majority of the people just admire the roses and don't ask what they're for unless to jokingly ask if Tommy got in trouble for something. Unless they specifically ask, I haven't bothered explaining the occasion behind the gift and just let them be admired by all- a ray of sunshine from Levi. I've been feeling really good about the place I'm in and can see how far I...

It's been 1 1/2 years... 18 months...547 days...13128 hours...787680 minutes... 47260800 seconds. Time has kept ticking . The world didn't stop when Levi died... Here's a recap of the past year and a half... We found out Levi's heart was no longer beating at a routine appointment January 9, 2008. Levi was born still January 14, 2008. He was buried January 20th. He was due January 28th. Looking back the first few months were more spent in shock than anything. I did the bare minimum to get through each day. Then the anger came. Anger towards the doctor, anger towards God, anger towards my husband. I spent most of months 5-9 angry at someone. Somewhere in my angry stage I started feeling as though everyone else was forgetting Levi and I also just wanted to reach out to other families going through loss. This gave me both a mission but also brought great frustration in dealing with the hospital. I felt alienated and alone from the real world and found myself seeking underst...

I've been reading the Psalms lately. It's interesting how experience can open one's eyes. I used to wonder why some of the Psalms were exclaiming the praises of God and others were wondering why God had forsaken them. I used to think King David was bi-polar... while he might have been I question that uneducated diagnosis and conclusion I was so quick to jump to. I didn't know any better then, now I realize the depths of his words. He knowingly sent a man to his death so that his infidelity wouldn't be discovered and then buried the child from that union. I'm sure that his heart was troubled during this time. He knew he was responsible for pain and sorrow. He'd had so many things going for him and in many ways he threw it all away. He still praised God for the blessings he had but cried out in the days of darkness. I've never knowingly caused physical harm like this but I understand the complexities of emotions a little better now. I have great pain and s...

This weekend has been a long one and we haven't finished our adventures so most likely I'll post again about it but wanted to share everything so far. One thing I've really walked away from this weekend feeling is that Levi may be gone, but he certainly isn't forgotten. This was reinforced with each visit we made with friends and family. With our business being a small 'mom & pop' type operation it's hard (yet important) to take a break. We close after Christmas & closed up for Easter and decided to close up for most of the week of the 4th. The town we live in is small and it seems that most people are away on family vacations around the 4th anyways so... we try to make the most of the times when we know business will be slow anyway to get away and see our family too. Anyways- I say all that so you'll better understand why we drove all over the state in a matter of days. We left Bainbridge & headed down to my grandma in Clearwater, then my gr...