Life After Levi

Passover- I wonder what the Pharaoh thought when Moses told him that all the firstborn sons would die in the night. Was my heart hardened when I first had that inclination? Or was God just preparing my heart heart for the loss to come? Did Pharaoh even tell the other Egyptians? Would it have mattered? Obviously word quickly spread through the Israelite community and they prepared... the blood of the lambs protected them. I'm so grateful for the blood of The Lamb that protects me still. The angel of death has visited my household- but while it robbed Levi of his breath, it did not steal his eternal life, nor did it rob me of my hope. We go from Passover- a celebration that death did not stop at the Israelite homes. A celebration I feel I can not partake in... but then Easter comes... and while death had occurred, it did not have power over the grave!! That's something worth celebrating to me! I wonder what Jesus thought of the irony as he sat to dine at his final Passover feast?...

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

We have a stubborn baby on our hands. She really doesn't like the monitor too much and moves away when they try to get a good read of her heartbeat. It's there and it's strong and I can feel her moving but she doesn't seem to like it. (Which makes me wonder what the sound waves really sound like to her.) I started thinking though. How many times are we like that? We find discomfort from things and so we run from them. But we don't see the big picture. We don't see that this discomfort is to make sure we're strong enough. My little Beanie Baby doesn't realize that we're just wanting to make sure she's ok anymore than I understand some of the things I'm going through. Sometimes I can look back and see the reasons, sometimes I can't. But just because I can't see the reason doesn't mean there wasn't one. Tommy's new part time job didn't start right away like we expected it to... but that meant last week because we'd al...

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less. We didn't pass go, we didn't collect two hundred dollars. We went straight to the hospital. Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see...

So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too. Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least se...

We walked into the hospital in a daze. A friend who works there had done as much as she could to check me in and they let my mom finish the rest of the paper work. I just stood and cried. As we walked into the labor and delivery I was touched to see the tears in the eyes of nurses I'd only met once a month before. They'd taken the warming bed out of the room but it still had reminders of the happiness it should have had. They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all. The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered i...

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still. There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back. The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is. I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted t...

The feelings of forgiveness are fading and I'm not happy with that. The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine. Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death? I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi....

Well- I can breathe again- at least a little. I'm now done with my first semester and my grades are submitted, so I'm just down to one job :) I'm really hoping the shop will keep me busy, but sadly the weather has been really warm so sales have been down. I really enjoyed teaching at the community college- there were a few things that surprised me and a few things that stressed me out but for the most part it was a nice challenge (plus it made these first 20 weeks of the pregnancy go by really quickly). Friday we drove down for the appointment and got to Tallahassee really early, so we decided to kill some time at the bookstore close to the hospital... which made my mother panic. She kept calling to find out where we were (she got there at least 30 mins early- and just waited) but when I tried calling back I couldn't get a hold of her. The poor moms were really happy to see us walk in (right on time I might add). I'm not sure I can say the same for the nurse- we wer...

I keep finding myself wanting to look for things for the nursery this time around and yet I hesitate. I hadn't wanted to find out the gender with Levi so I picked out neutral things but now... I keep thinking maybe it wouldn't hurt to buy some new bedding just for this baby... I bought everything intending that we use it for all of our babies, not just the first... and I hate the thought of wasting money on something when what I have is perfectly good... but still... I keep searching. We'll be finding out the gender this time around too- I think that way mentally I can start thinking of this baby differently. I will be grateful no matter if it's a boy or girl... but part of me hopes that we're having a girl so I don't make more comparisons. I could make the room pink and frilly. I'm really torn about things like showers. I didn't have one with Levi- it was planned for Sunday the 13th... we got the news that Wednesday the 9th... it got canceled. Part of m...

I went to the doctor today and got to hear that beautiful sound again. No pictures this time though but that's ok, I don't want to get too spoiled or anything :). (I learned I'll only be getting pictures from now on with the high risk Dr. & my next appointment with him isn't until mid Dec) The visit was short but he had gotten word back on the bloodwork. Everything came back normal. So... still no real answers about Levi's death and no answers as to why I'm itchy now (but the itchiness has gone down in severity some too so that's good). As far as the reasons though... the high risk doctor is ordering more tests later in the pregnancy (by his request- these aren't even tests I knew to demand- lol) and the regular OB is sending me to the dermatologist- which is good because I tried to make an appointment on my own and they aren't taking new patients but today guess what- I'm in. I guess they figure if another doctor thinks it's bad enough ...

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek G...

Hopefully soon I'll be able to catch my breath but for now I've been staying busy. I went to the doctor's office last week and my numbers were good- I'll go again on the 23rd and have an ultrasound. My days have consisted of sleeping, nauseousness, more sleeping and school work- even the nauseousness has been wonderful. I do feel bad though- Tommy has been running the shop basically single handedly. I remember sleeping a lot with Levi too but the shop wasn't open yet so my days were much more flexible. I was hitting the end of my first trimester and gaining more energy when we opened our doors two years ago. It's interesting. Most people's comments after we lost Levi didn't hurt, I knew they didn't know what to say and I was grateful they were at least willing to have the courage to say anything at all. Now though... I'm finding the comments really hurt. This morning a man told me that the worst thing was getting home and not knowing what to do w...

I turned 30 yesterday. I normally dread birthdays and get really moody and emotional on them but yesterday nothing could get me down. We didn't even do anything really special to mark the occasion but I was happy the whole day long. Tommy turns 30 in less than two weeks so we'll celebrate together in the middle. Yesterday was just another day though. I woke up and let Tommy sleep a little longer, came to the Bean and focused on the store's second birthday (it turns 2 on Sunday but we're celebrating with specials this week) and then went off to teach. Tommy gave me the new Selah cd I'd asked for which did bring tears as I listened to I will carry you (Audrey's song) but I pulled myself together before customers came in. Tommy offered to take me out for dinner but nothing really sounded great so he fixed me blueberry pancakes which hit the spot... good antioxidents mixed with a little guilty pleasure :) I'd have never planned my life to be the way it is ...

Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...