Life After Levi

The tears haven't been flowing often lately but last night the floodgates opened up. I was looking for a book I was given shortly after I lost Levi and wanted to re-read it to see if it would be appropriate for the kits I'm trying to put together. I couldn't find it but as I went into the room that will one day be a nursery I sat in the glider and looked at the few baby things we had. We don't have much because I was waiting to see what I got at my first shower- which would have been the Sunday after we got the news- and also because I wanted a surprise as far as the gender goes so we had some yellow, green & tan outfits but really not a whole lot. One of the outfits I splurged on last year got the tears flowing. I found it the day after Thanksgiving- though it wasn't on sale. It was a white one piece with a fuzzy lining and hood with tiny ears. When I first saw it I pictured our little polar bear baby bundled up in it as I didn't want them getting an...

Last night I talked to one of my pregnant friends. We'd been playing phone tag for a while and we last talked over a month ago. I listened to her message as she appoligetically told me she was sorry it'd been a while since she'd returned my call but it'd been a rough couple of weeks. I hoped she was referring to the long bout of morning sickness she'd experienced but dreaded hearing that perhaps she'd lost the baby. I struggle so much trying not to be resentful & envious of pregnant friends but I can't bear hearing that not everything is going smoothly. I don't want anyone to know the pain I've known. I quickly called her back and she first told me of the everyday trials that had come her way lately, a dead battery which complicated things at work, mounting bills, etc and then she told me of her most recent ultrasound... she found out she's having a girl... but might also have ovarian cancer. As much as I know what words of comfort I w...

Last night we had some friends over for pizza & a movie. In between running around after our crazy dog one of the kids asked me if I'd had kids or was planning on it. I explained that we'd had a son who passed away, not sure how much detail to go into for a nine/ten year old. He then asked how old he was when he died and I told him it was just before he would've been born. That answer seemed to satisfy him and he continued on chasing his siblings around. Later on he came back with more questions asking the meaning of a stone in the garden (It reads: No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye; You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why). I mentioned that it was because we lost our son. He said "Yeah, I know, but what does it mean?" I wish that adults wouldn't be so afraid to ask questions and talk about what's on their mind. It seems to me that it's so much easier when Levi is apart of conversations rather than people...

Today one of our regulars brought her niece in with her. She was adorable and all smiles. As we made a drink in the blender she looked in it's direction, intrigued by the new sound. I normally don't ask how old the babies are that come in but this time I just couldn't help myself. Her aunt told me she's nine months. I should've known. If Levi had lived he'd be that age too. Since it was a little girl it was a little easier but seeing her curiosity and smiles made my heart ache for him. I'm glad I asked though because I always wonder what milestones Levi would be hitting and since I don't have any other kids I really don't have a point of reference so this in a way actually was therapeutic.

A little while ago I was reading another blog that really inspired me- check it out here: http://afifthseason.blogspot.com/2008/09/caitlins-gifts.html . January seems to be coming so quickly and I can't believe that nine months have passed already though I know my grief is not so raw and I can feel healing taking place. Today for example started out a disaster- we woke up an hour late and when we got to the store found the roof is leaking. A few months ago I would have broken down and had panic attacks but today I felt like I took it in stride. We've called the landlord and dried what needed to be dried (thank goodness not much was damaged besides the ceiling though) and now there's nothing more for us to do for the moment. Later we found out that someone's washer & dryer got delivered & was hooked up incorrectly so we're just glad it was relatively clean water. I'm not happy that we keep having one crisis after another because Levi's death should h...