Life After Levi

I turned 30 yesterday. I normally dread birthdays and get really moody and emotional on them but yesterday nothing could get me down. We didn't even do anything really special to mark the occasion but I was happy the whole day long. Tommy turns 30 in less than two weeks so we'll celebrate together in the middle. Yesterday was just another day though. I woke up and let Tommy sleep a little longer, came to the Bean and focused on the store's second birthday (it turns 2 on Sunday but we're celebrating with specials this week) and then went off to teach. Tommy gave me the new Selah cd I'd asked for which did bring tears as I listened to I will carry you (Audrey's song) but I pulled myself together before customers came in. Tommy offered to take me out for dinner but nothing really sounded great so he fixed me blueberry pancakes which hit the spot... good antioxidents mixed with a little guilty pleasure :) I'd have never planned my life to be the way it is ...

Tommy was so sweet on Tuesday (and the rest of the days too). He brought me roses to let me know he was thinking of Levi too and to brighten my day. Some of the conversations surrounding the roses have been interesting. Some have brought deeper connections; I've found out about a few losses that I didn't know of before. Only one poured salt in my wounds; after she inquired the reason for the flowers and I told her it marked 1 1/2 years after Levi's death she informed me that it is now time to have another. I think I made her uncomfortable when I politely told her we're working on it. The majority of the people just admire the roses and don't ask what they're for unless to jokingly ask if Tommy got in trouble for something. Unless they specifically ask, I haven't bothered explaining the occasion behind the gift and just let them be admired by all- a ray of sunshine from Levi. I've been feeling really good about the place I'm in and can see how far I...

This weekend has been a long one and we haven't finished our adventures so most likely I'll post again about it but wanted to share everything so far. One thing I've really walked away from this weekend feeling is that Levi may be gone, but he certainly isn't forgotten. This was reinforced with each visit we made with friends and family. With our business being a small 'mom & pop' type operation it's hard (yet important) to take a break. We close after Christmas & closed up for Easter and decided to close up for most of the week of the 4th. The town we live in is small and it seems that most people are away on family vacations around the 4th anyways so... we try to make the most of the times when we know business will be slow anyway to get away and see our family too. Anyways- I say all that so you'll better understand why we drove all over the state in a matter of days. We left Bainbridge & headed down to my grandma in Clearwater, then my gr...

I give up. Not totally but I'm not caring quite so much anymore. The bunnies are multiplying and they seem to laugh at my attempts to keep them away from their salad bar. Above is a picture of one of the bunnies in the front yard. Notice that it's surrounded by grass... plenty of food that I'd be happy for it to eat but I guess given the choice I'd prefer the flowers too. Below is a picture at the cemetery. My mom thought it'd be funny to have a bunny out there too- I must admit I got a kick out of it. Seeing the stone bunny and getting a chuckle out of it reminds me once again that while it might be a little annoying to plant the flowers to have them nibbled it's really not worth stressing & losing sleep over it. I've been reflecting back over the last six years of marriage too recently (our anniversary is tomorrow). Each year has brought different challenges- some brought on by ourselves; some out of our control. At times I feel like I'm defeated- ...

We took the weekend off to visit with friends. It wasn't a fun weekend though. I've been trying to analyze everything and while I know there are times that I have no rhyme or reason for my feelings I still try to come up with one. My husband's long time friends were down on their vacation and also invited some of their other friends they don't get to see often since they've moved away. Each of the couples has 3 kids- and then there's us and our dog. I've been doing well with kids lately and we've seen these friends since loosing Levi so I didn't think it'd be a big deal. All of them are older than Levi (though one is only 6 months older) so I wasn't stuck with infants or pregnant ladies. But still... it hit me hard. I think when we're the only ones without parenting stories to share it hits home more. We're the third wheel... Almost as soon as we got down there I could feel my throat tightening and myself tensing up. I tried ...