Life After Levi

We took the weekend off to visit with friends. It wasn't a fun weekend though. I've been trying to analyze everything and while I know there are times that I have no rhyme or reason for my feelings I still try to come up with one. My husband's long time friends were down on their vacation and also invited some of their other friends they don't get to see often since they've moved away. Each of the couples has 3 kids- and then there's us and our dog. I've been doing well with kids lately and we've seen these friends since loosing Levi so I didn't think it'd be a big deal. All of them are older than Levi (though one is only 6 months older) so I wasn't stuck with infants or pregnant ladies. But still... it hit me hard. I think when we're the only ones without parenting stories to share it hits home more. We're the third wheel... Almost as soon as we got down there I could feel my throat tightening and myself tensing up. I tried ...

I was talking to a friend about death yesterday... it's her business... I'm sure our paths would have crossed at some point- we're in a small town- but I don't know if a friendship would have formed if she hadn't prepared my son for burial. I've mentioned it before but it helps having someone that feels comfortable talking about death. Before losing Levi it's a subject I would have avoided. I still don't always feel free to talk though - death makes people feel uncomfortable (which is why I generally write instead of talk). But she's chosen to deal with death as her profession so I don't worry when I talk to her that she'll try to find a way to change the subject (though we do talk about other things too). We both know death in our own way and yet we don't know it at all. We don't know exactly what happens after death comes. We don't know what each survivor is going through either. I know what it's been like for me to loose my...

I'm just getting out of church and wiping the tears away. My pastor has buried a son who was in the service. While his sermon wasn't at all focused on death or grief, I couldn't help but think about it anyway. My heart goes out this weekend to all the families who have buried a son or daughter fighting for our freedoms. I like to stay politically neutral but don't take for granted the sacrifices that others have made. Earlier this week I saw a post on facebook of a friend that's served in Iraq remembering two fallen soldiers. It's so easy to focus on the beach or bar-b-que on these Memorial day weekends rather than the sacrifices made. And I think there's a time and place for beaches & bar-b-ques... but we must not forget the lives that are now gone or the families and friends left behind. The sermon today was on spending time together and making the most of each moment. Gathering around the table, breaking bread together. Not just making small...

I haven't worked on my scrapbook in two years and pulled it out again this weekend. It was odd sorting through pictures trying to get things organized. In them I saw the me I used to know. The one who moved to Idaho just to have a new experience... Not the one who is now timid about doing something new. I saw the girl who was fit and skinny... Not the one who now understands the need for elastic (though I haven't gone there with jeans- just sweats). I saw the old me who tried so hard to fit in... Not the one who now knows none of us really do- we just have to live in harmony the best we can. It was so odd going through my old life- I didn't realize then how good it was. I fussed at my husband over relatively small stuff- though to me it seemed big at the time. I took it personally when my students didn't do as well as I'd hoped- though now I know for those that had other things going on in their young lives were probably doing the best they could at that moment. I t...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 I know this verse, but knowing and following are two different things. I was very anxious in the week leading up to Mother's day. I couldn't even say the word's Mother's Day without getting a tremble in my voice. It was the same way leading up to January... except the anxiety started much sooner then. I don't know why I didn't learn from January, but I didn't. I was dreading Sunday. I did bring my requests for prayers for peace & comfort to those around me. Their prayers were answered & many sent me words of comfort. Once again I had a peace that I don't understand. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 It may seem strange but knowing God is taking care of these small details like having peace on Mother's day hel...

...a day can make. Yesterday I was already feeling down thinking about this weekend and today I'm back to being ok. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it but I'm not dreading it either. I survived last year and I'll survive this year and it'll soon be over and done with until next year. There were some great ideas shared for getting through the day!!! ...one person can make. I've had so many people that have lifted my spirits lately. (I realize I said one person but each person reached out in their own way.) I got a really sweet Bear Hug from one friend (you can check it out below), some friends called, some said little and let their looks and embraces speak, some left encouraging messages. My husband let me relax and knit during the afternoon (and I was very appoligetic for getting snippy at him). All were uplifting & welcome! ...prayer can make. I got a call from the hospital. I really think we're on the same page now. I truly hope so! We've...

I started writing this last year and never really felt it was finished. I still feel it needs more but thought with mother's day coming up I'd share it. For all the mothers longing to be moms.... I have the marks of a mother I have the marks of a mother. The stretch marks that resulted from my lack of cocoa butter. I’ve never been one to primp in the morning and having to open up the store as early as we did I always chose an extra minute or two of sleep rather than make up and lotions. Now I look at the marks and as unsightly as they are I’m glad they’re there; my stretch marks are a reminder of the time I had Levi with me. I have the marks of a mother. We can swap pregnancy and labor stories but no matter how much your back hurt or how much indigestion you had it makes no difference when your baby first smiles at you. You may talk about the 48 hours you endured the pain but my birth plan went out the window when no heartbeat was found. It was for my baby that I wasn...