Life After Levi

  Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :) Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery. Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post . I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either. Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband ...

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching. I am thankful for the manna. A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job......

It's been an emotional Christmas. After we closed up the shop Christmas Eve we packed up the car and went out to the cemetery before heading to my parents' house. I don't go out there as often anymore which makes it harder sometimes when I do go now because I feel like it's neglected. The feelings are so conflicting- I don't believe that Levi is there- sure his body is but his soul is long gone- but at the same time when I see the grass and weeds growing up too high I feel guilt. The tears flowed for a while driving down but by the time we reached my in-law's to drop off our dog I was ok. I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short r...

Well- I can breathe again- at least a little. I'm now done with my first semester and my grades are submitted, so I'm just down to one job :) I'm really hoping the shop will keep me busy, but sadly the weather has been really warm so sales have been down. I really enjoyed teaching at the community college- there were a few things that surprised me and a few things that stressed me out but for the most part it was a nice challenge (plus it made these first 20 weeks of the pregnancy go by really quickly). Friday we drove down for the appointment and got to Tallahassee really early, so we decided to kill some time at the bookstore close to the hospital... which made my mother panic. She kept calling to find out where we were (she got there at least 30 mins early- and just waited) but when I tried calling back I couldn't get a hold of her. The poor moms were really happy to see us walk in (right on time I might add). I'm not sure I can say the same for the nurse- we wer...

This month I wanted to share the ways I included Levi into Christmas last year with everyone from Kelly's site- The Beauty of Sufficient Grace . If you are feeling lost wondering what to do this Christmas head over there and I hope you find some ideas and comfort. Last year at Christmas I just tried to stay busy at the store. It's strange- we decorated there and it didn't bother me but I struggled going into other stores- so I didn't. I think I went into one store to buy Tommy's gift, then one to buy gifts for our parents and one to buy an ornament for Levi. Tommy's gift had no sentimental value attached- he got a Nintendo DS just to make him smile. Our parents (besides getting coffee & tea) got an ornament. There's a local engraver in town so I got Levi's hand print etched into crystal (I got one for us too). I had to darken Levi's hand print a little because they couldn't work with any grey scale but you can't tell the difference if y...

Black Friday. Those two little words can strike fear in the hearts of men and turn normally rational women into an angry, clawing mob. We don't tend to get too incredibly serious about it in my family, but the women tend to leave the men at home to watch football while they leave and shop the sales beginning in the hours before dawn. Our plan of attack begins after we've recovered from stuffing ourselves with the Thanksgiving feast and we pull out the ads searching for the best door buster sales to help us determine where to begin. I'm always amazed, year after year, no matter how early we arrive there's a line of people waiting that got there even earlier- some camping out the night before. We try to hurry in and find what we came for so we can move on to the next store before their deals are snatched up but we never get caught in the trampling or tug-of-wars that you tragically hear about. The weak ones (or maybe the smart ones) get tired and head back to my grandma...

I never understood why people hated the holidays... until last year. I didn't want to sit alone in an empty house but neither did I want to be surrounded by smiling happy people that I had to make small talk with. Last year I struggled with the mere thought of being thankful. Sure, I had my family, my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I didn't have what I longed for the most. My son was dead. I had to visit his grave rather than pass him around to ooing, aahhing relatives. This year is different. Death has lost its sting and I now have life growing inside. This year I can smile- and mean it. I didn't struggle leading up to Thanksgiving (besides the panic attack I posted about) and wondered if the day itself would bring a rush of emotions, and while there was a twinge of sadness I primarily focused on the things I do have. There was still a highchair missing from the table but this year I found it easier to focus with gratitude for the blessings in my l...

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not. I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made the...

This weekend has been a long one and we haven't finished our adventures so most likely I'll post again about it but wanted to share everything so far. One thing I've really walked away from this weekend feeling is that Levi may be gone, but he certainly isn't forgotten. This was reinforced with each visit we made with friends and family. With our business being a small 'mom & pop' type operation it's hard (yet important) to take a break. We close after Christmas & closed up for Easter and decided to close up for most of the week of the 4th. The town we live in is small and it seems that most people are away on family vacations around the 4th anyways so... we try to make the most of the times when we know business will be slow anyway to get away and see our family too. Anyways- I say all that so you'll better understand why we drove all over the state in a matter of days. We left Bainbridge & headed down to my grandma in Clearwater, then my gr...

I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog. For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began. ...

A little while ago I was reading another blog that really inspired me- check it out here: http://afifthseason.blogspot.com/2008/09/caitlins-gifts.html . January seems to be coming so quickly and I can't believe that nine months have passed already though I know my grief is not so raw and I can feel healing taking place. Today for example started out a disaster- we woke up an hour late and when we got to the store found the roof is leaking. A few months ago I would have broken down and had panic attacks but today I felt like I took it in stride. We've called the landlord and dried what needed to be dried (thank goodness not much was damaged besides the ceiling though) and now there's nothing more for us to do for the moment. Later we found out that someone's washer & dryer got delivered & was hooked up incorrectly so we're just glad it was relatively clean water. I'm not happy that we keep having one crisis after another because Levi's death should h...