Life After Levi

I feel like I’ve got my feet in two worlds and I don’t always know how to handle it or balance it. I don’t always feel like I fit in with the mom group… I’m not a stay at home mom and yet I’m not working full time either. I don’t have the innocence that many of them have and can’t always relate to everything. Yet I feel like I don’t always feel like I fit in the loss community either. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or moved on now that I have a child but joy has come in the morning. I’ve recently met two women who lost their sons almost exactly three years after Levi died… it’s just so strange because at the same time I’m involved with forming a small group of moms through our church. Two worlds and I’m in both… but not really. Where do I fit? What is my role? I feel like I’m not the right person in either case. I don’t know how apparent it is to other people- especially those that know me from the coffee shop- but I’m timid with new people. Inviting people to join in has been a big step...

I signed up a while ago to be apart of a study on grief and just completed a survey. It's detailed (meaning it took longer than five minutes to complete- luckily Madalyn is napping now) but I felt it was worthwhile... if you have some time they want to hear the views of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends who have experienced the death of a child. http://tearstudy.org I'm not sure if I misrepresented my grieving or not... it asked questions about the last seven days. If you'd asked me three weeks ago or two months ago my answers would've been different. I don't know if it was the focus of October 15th or not but I was definitely an emotional wreck for about a week. I haven't been hit with too many waves of grief in a while so in an odd sort of way its felt good to just let the tears come. Its given me a different perspective on things. Its hard to grieve and parent at the same time. I had never realized how in some ways it was a blessing ...

  Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :) Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery. Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post . I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either. Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband ...

    She'll be raised as our oldest... but will forever be a second child. She'll know who he was... but never who he is. They are both loved and adored... but she gets kisses and hugs while he gets tears and broken dreams. She's in my arms... he remains in my heart. They were both 7 lbs 8 oz at birth... but only she will grow as the days and years go by. His silence brings me to tears... her tears remind me of the life she has. His garden was planted to remember him... her's was painted to bring her smiles and sunshine. I look at her and remember the brief moments with him... I think of him and remember to cherish each and every moment with her. I will be the type of parent I am to her because I didn't get to parent him. I took pictures of both to preserve each moment... but I'll get to have many more moments with her and many more photos to take. I have one of the only outfits he wore packed away- stained with his blood... I'll soon be packing away the outf...

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

We have a stubborn baby on our hands. She really doesn't like the monitor too much and moves away when they try to get a good read of her heartbeat. It's there and it's strong and I can feel her moving but she doesn't seem to like it. (Which makes me wonder what the sound waves really sound like to her.) I started thinking though. How many times are we like that? We find discomfort from things and so we run from them. But we don't see the big picture. We don't see that this discomfort is to make sure we're strong enough. My little Beanie Baby doesn't realize that we're just wanting to make sure she's ok anymore than I understand some of the things I'm going through. Sometimes I can look back and see the reasons, sometimes I can't. But just because I can't see the reason doesn't mean there wasn't one. Tommy's new part time job didn't start right away like we expected it to... but that meant last week because we'd al...

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less. We didn't pass go, we didn't collect two hundred dollars. We went straight to the hospital. Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see...

What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things. I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursda...

So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too. Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least se...

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still. There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back. The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is. I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted t...

It's been an emotional Christmas. After we closed up the shop Christmas Eve we packed up the car and went out to the cemetery before heading to my parents' house. I don't go out there as often anymore which makes it harder sometimes when I do go now because I feel like it's neglected. The feelings are so conflicting- I don't believe that Levi is there- sure his body is but his soul is long gone- but at the same time when I see the grass and weeds growing up too high I feel guilt. The tears flowed for a while driving down but by the time we reached my in-law's to drop off our dog I was ok. I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short r...

Yesterday a lady I barely know found out I was pregnant. She was so excited she bought me the cutest little baby security blanket! Even more touching to me was when she told me how much she'd been praying for us :) I am amazed that people that barely know me care so much about me and how I'm doing. Today I needed that security blanket myself. I went to the doctor today- everything with the baby is good- but I struggled making January's appointment. I asked for an extra appointment to get through the month- the doctor told me she'd be happy to make an appointment for me to see a nurse and hear the heartbeat. I think subconsciously I was hoping for an extra ultrasound- especially now that I have the Doppler at home. I haven't been anxious about Christmas- but I'm worried I'll be worried all of January with this baby. I went ahead and made the appointment, but I'll probably end up canceling it. We'll see. I'm hoping it's like last year- the anti...

Well- I can breathe again- at least a little. I'm now done with my first semester and my grades are submitted, so I'm just down to one job :) I'm really hoping the shop will keep me busy, but sadly the weather has been really warm so sales have been down. I really enjoyed teaching at the community college- there were a few things that surprised me and a few things that stressed me out but for the most part it was a nice challenge (plus it made these first 20 weeks of the pregnancy go by really quickly). Friday we drove down for the appointment and got to Tallahassee really early, so we decided to kill some time at the bookstore close to the hospital... which made my mother panic. She kept calling to find out where we were (she got there at least 30 mins early- and just waited) but when I tried calling back I couldn't get a hold of her. The poor moms were really happy to see us walk in (right on time I might add). I'm not sure I can say the same for the nurse- we wer...

Sunday I started to post and I just couldn't get the words out. This is as far as I got: So its 6 p.m. and I'm still in my pj's. My paranoia took over this morning and while I've calmed down since then I still haven't had the energy to do much of anything. I expect days like this but they're still tough. I'm ok now. The tears have dried (though they started up again on Monday). I'm not feeling as though my world is crashing down again. I still feel so much hope for this baby, but when the waves of grief come they knock me down and I feel like I'm gasping for breath. I feel like the boy's father in Mark 9. Mark 9:24 24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" I know that God can bring this baby into the world happy and healthy. But sometimes I struggle wondering if He will . That was my struggle on Sunday. I know that ultimately God controls whether this baby lives or dies- not me. I want ...

I keep finding myself wanting to look for things for the nursery this time around and yet I hesitate. I hadn't wanted to find out the gender with Levi so I picked out neutral things but now... I keep thinking maybe it wouldn't hurt to buy some new bedding just for this baby... I bought everything intending that we use it for all of our babies, not just the first... and I hate the thought of wasting money on something when what I have is perfectly good... but still... I keep searching. We'll be finding out the gender this time around too- I think that way mentally I can start thinking of this baby differently. I will be grateful no matter if it's a boy or girl... but part of me hopes that we're having a girl so I don't make more comparisons. I could make the room pink and frilly. I'm really torn about things like showers. I didn't have one with Levi- it was planned for Sunday the 13th... we got the news that Wednesday the 9th... it got canceled. Part of m...

I went to the doctor today and got to hear that beautiful sound again. No pictures this time though but that's ok, I don't want to get too spoiled or anything :). (I learned I'll only be getting pictures from now on with the high risk Dr. & my next appointment with him isn't until mid Dec) The visit was short but he had gotten word back on the bloodwork. Everything came back normal. So... still no real answers about Levi's death and no answers as to why I'm itchy now (but the itchiness has gone down in severity some too so that's good). As far as the reasons though... the high risk doctor is ordering more tests later in the pregnancy (by his request- these aren't even tests I knew to demand- lol) and the regular OB is sending me to the dermatologist- which is good because I tried to make an appointment on my own and they aren't taking new patients but today guess what- I'm in. I guess they figure if another doctor thinks it's bad enough ...

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek G...

Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...