Life After Levi

My zinnias are overgrown. I was going to cut them down this weekend when I realized how many butterflies they attract. Overgrown as they may be, the zinnias stayed and I sat and thought of Levi and all the other babies gone too soon.  

I wasn't expecting it. One of my dear sweet friends announced she was moving, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me like it did. I knew it would be hard to see her go because she's really reached out to me since Levi died. I didn't even know her before his death but she made an effort to offer comfort and connect. Still though, it surprised me when I kept tearing up because that's just not my normal reaction. Then it hit me. Her youngest son is the only three year old boy I have really been able to watch grow up... and now he's gone too. I miss them.

I feel like I’ve got my feet in two worlds and I don’t always know how to handle it or balance it. I don’t always feel like I fit in with the mom group… I’m not a stay at home mom and yet I’m not working full time either. I don’t have the innocence that many of them have and can’t always relate to everything. Yet I feel like I don’t always feel like I fit in the loss community either. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or moved on now that I have a child but joy has come in the morning. I’ve recently met two women who lost their sons almost exactly three years after Levi died… it’s just so strange because at the same time I’m involved with forming a small group of moms through our church. Two worlds and I’m in both… but not really. Where do I fit? What is my role? I feel like I’m not the right person in either case. I don’t know how apparent it is to other people- especially those that know me from the coffee shop- but I’m timid with new people. Inviting people to join in has been a big step...

I knew this day was inevitable... but still... to come just before Christmas was heart wrenching. In case I haven't mentioned it, Tommy is working at a funeral home now... the same funeral home we used for Levi. There have been times that dropping in to take him lunch is very much a reminder of Levi's death. Just last week for example I needed a place to nurse Madalyn and one of the funeral directors offered the blue room (called that because of the wall color but fitting for other obvious reasons too). Thank you but no- that would be the room we viewed Levi in- I'm not interested in staring at the last place I saw his face while Madalyn eats. There have been difficult funerals too; most of the people have died after long fulfilling lives but a few young people died unexpectedly. Yesterday though they got the first baby since Tommy started working there. Tommy had taken Madalyn out while I worked on his Christmas present and stopped by work to see about an unfinished p...

I signed up a while ago to be apart of a study on grief and just completed a survey. It's detailed (meaning it took longer than five minutes to complete- luckily Madalyn is napping now) but I felt it was worthwhile... if you have some time they want to hear the views of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends who have experienced the death of a child. http://tearstudy.org I'm not sure if I misrepresented my grieving or not... it asked questions about the last seven days. If you'd asked me three weeks ago or two months ago my answers would've been different. I don't know if it was the focus of October 15th or not but I was definitely an emotional wreck for about a week. I haven't been hit with too many waves of grief in a while so in an odd sort of way its felt good to just let the tears come. Its given me a different perspective on things. Its hard to grieve and parent at the same time. I had never realized how in some ways it was a blessing ...

  Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :) Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery. Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post . I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either. Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband ...