Life After Levi

It took me about 30 mins to come out of anesthesia and another 30 mins to really shake my dopey state. They waited until I was with it before bringing Levi in. Physically I couldn't really sit up very well so Levi was laid beside me. When I saw him my hopes and prayers for a miracle quickly disappeared. I knew he was gone from this world and I'd have to wait for my time to go before I'd even get to look into his eyes. Despite reality setting in, I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. He looked so perfect- and yet so fragile. He was a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz with fat cheeks and full lips... but his skin had already started to tear. I watched him carefully as he was passed around to all the family members- feeling the need to keep a close eye on him... and yet there was nothing they could have done nor would they have done to harm him in any way. When Tommy held him it was different though. I watched him closely thinking of what could have been. He walked back and forth in ...

We walked into the hospital in a daze. A friend who works there had done as much as she could to check me in and they let my mom finish the rest of the paper work. I just stood and cried. As we walked into the labor and delivery I was touched to see the tears in the eyes of nurses I'd only met once a month before. They'd taken the warming bed out of the room but it still had reminders of the happiness it should have had. They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all. The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered i...

The day started with a call from my mom... she was feeling sick so she didn't want to come to the ultrasound and risk getting me sick too...so we called Tommy's mom and invited her to come up again (she also got to see the 16 week ultrasound). We had the store covered so that Tommy could also join me at the appointment and we took the new video camera my parents had gotten us for Christmas. I've replayed what Tommy filmed once in the past two years. He played peek-a-boo with the big belly using the shutter of the camera. I laughed at his silliness thinking what a good dad he'd be. They called us back before Tommy's mom arrived and I remember trying to think of stall tactics so she wouldn't miss anything. I actually didn't need to because they started giving us all kinds of consent forms and explaining how to pre-register at the hospital. Tommy's mom finally made it just before the ultrasound began. The nurse started out pointing everything out with Tommy...

I’ve shared before that I struggle with forgiveness… though I generally don’t share why. Today marks two years since I heard Levi’s heartbeat. Two years since he was alive. There were two doctors at the practice I was going to when I was pregnant- one told me at my December appointment that I should’ve gone with a midwife because I told her I wanted my water to break on its own and wasn’t interested in pitocin. I almost switched doctors. I actually made some calls but being so far along the other practice I wanted to switch to was hesitant… plus we visited the women’s wing at the hospital and the nurses reassured me that there’s much more flexibility than she alluded to. She never saw me again after that December appointment. While that would’ve kept me from returning to their practice with another pregnancy it is my January appointment that my mind always returns to. I went prepared with a formal written birth plan and discussed it with the other doctor at the practice. There...