Life After Levi

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less. We didn't pass go, we didn't collect two hundred dollars. We went straight to the hospital. Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see...

What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things. I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursda...

Tomorrow is going to be strange. We're closing the shop on Mondays and Tuesdays beginning this Monday. It isn't because we want to but rather because we need to. Insurance is killing us- it's more than our mortgage- and with the economy we just can't seem to make up for it. Tommy has a potential part time job lined up that he'll be working Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturday afternoons, so I hope and pray that having a stable income is the help we need (I know it may seem strange to close up in order to make money but Monday & Tuesday are the slowest days for us and it gets expensive training people and paying for labor in our absence). I'm teaching again this semester- but not very many hours so my supplemental income isn't supplementing very much. My plan was to stay at home after the baby... but I'm starting to accept that I may be teaching in the fall as well. (That makes our mothers happy because they would be forced to come up and watch the baby for...

I know the circumstances are different but sometimes I wonder if sometimes I have a problem looking back. Genesis 19 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. I haven't turned into a pillar of salt- but have become a puddle of salty tears. I don't always try to look back... but each time I get turned around I can tell the difference. There are times people pull me back and times something triggers me to look back but the results are often the same. I wonder why Lot's wife looked back. Was she thinking back about the life she once knew? Was she thinking of the friends she once had? Did she hear something that just distracted her from her forward path? Was it just a glace or was it a longing for what once was? In healing I have looked back and beat myself up over the what if's and felt anger at doctors and others... but it hasn't brought Levi back. It only brings salt to my eyes. I have looked back at the life I once had... and the plans I h...

So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too. Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least se...

It took me about 30 mins to come out of anesthesia and another 30 mins to really shake my dopey state. They waited until I was with it before bringing Levi in. Physically I couldn't really sit up very well so Levi was laid beside me. When I saw him my hopes and prayers for a miracle quickly disappeared. I knew he was gone from this world and I'd have to wait for my time to go before I'd even get to look into his eyes. Despite reality setting in, I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. He looked so perfect- and yet so fragile. He was a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz with fat cheeks and full lips... but his skin had already started to tear. I watched him carefully as he was passed around to all the family members- feeling the need to keep a close eye on him... and yet there was nothing they could have done nor would they have done to harm him in any way. When Tommy held him it was different though. I watched him closely thinking of what could have been. He walked back and forth in ...

We walked into the hospital in a daze. A friend who works there had done as much as she could to check me in and they let my mom finish the rest of the paper work. I just stood and cried. As we walked into the labor and delivery I was touched to see the tears in the eyes of nurses I'd only met once a month before. They'd taken the warming bed out of the room but it still had reminders of the happiness it should have had. They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all. The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered i...

The day started with a call from my mom... she was feeling sick so she didn't want to come to the ultrasound and risk getting me sick too...so we called Tommy's mom and invited her to come up again (she also got to see the 16 week ultrasound). We had the store covered so that Tommy could also join me at the appointment and we took the new video camera my parents had gotten us for Christmas. I've replayed what Tommy filmed once in the past two years. He played peek-a-boo with the big belly using the shutter of the camera. I laughed at his silliness thinking what a good dad he'd be. They called us back before Tommy's mom arrived and I remember trying to think of stall tactics so she wouldn't miss anything. I actually didn't need to because they started giving us all kinds of consent forms and explaining how to pre-register at the hospital. Tommy's mom finally made it just before the ultrasound began. The nurse started out pointing everything out with Tommy...

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still. There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back. The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is. I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted t...

I’ve shared before that I struggle with forgiveness… though I generally don’t share why. Today marks two years since I heard Levi’s heartbeat. Two years since he was alive. There were two doctors at the practice I was going to when I was pregnant- one told me at my December appointment that I should’ve gone with a midwife because I told her I wanted my water to break on its own and wasn’t interested in pitocin. I almost switched doctors. I actually made some calls but being so far along the other practice I wanted to switch to was hesitant… plus we visited the women’s wing at the hospital and the nurses reassured me that there’s much more flexibility than she alluded to. She never saw me again after that December appointment. While that would’ve kept me from returning to their practice with another pregnancy it is my January appointment that my mind always returns to. I went prepared with a formal written birth plan and discussed it with the other doctor at the practice. There...