Two years later

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still.

There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back.

The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is.

I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted to learn and met wonderful people that I never wanted to meet. I have been comforted during my mourning and found a peace that surpasses all my understanding.

Two years after hearing the sound of silence I am sitting here at work. I was able to deal with customers for a little while and smile. I wonder if they see the pain behind the smile. It isn't as hard as it once was... though I did retreat to the inventory room for most of the morning leaving Tommy to man the counter alone. I don't know how he's managed to be such a rock... but I'm thankful that he is. We'll close up on the 14th but since today we're only open until noon we figured we could handle that.

This new baby has given me plenty of reasurring kicks today and for that I am thankful. She will not replace her older brother and has both brought healing to my heavy heart in addition to new reminders of our loss.

Last year I wrote this and still feel nerves that have not reconnected and scars that are still visibally noticable... but my heart is no longer in grave danger of ripping open.

This year I feel that I am being lifted from the pit... He has turned my wailing into dancing and removed the sackcloth and clothed me with joy... I still stumble... I still struggle... I still question... but I find myself dancing more... I find myself not just happy but finding joy again.

Psalm 30
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David.

1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.

3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.

4 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."

7 O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

9 "What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.