Life After Levi

We came home today at lunch and I totally felt like the three bears... as in Goldilocks and the Three Bears... except I didn't. Ok, that doesn't totally make sense... I always walk through the garden while our dog runs around the yard (I like to give him a little privacy) and I noticed that someone had been there. Nothing was disturbed but someone put something by one of our plants & it made me do a double take. I really have no clue who did it but it made me smile to think that someone thought of me. I hope they also enjoyed the beauty of the garden. We'd wanted to create a prayer garden for the community but didn't get the green light so I feel bad sometimes that Tommy and I are the main ones that get to enjoy the flowers... which made me glad that someone popped in today. I hope they at least sat under the gazebo for a little bit and just enjoyed some quiet time with God and didn't just place their mystery object and leave. I also hope they didn't p...

If you aren't familiar with Under the Tree please check it out!! Click on the link & answer the questions about your loss. Thank you again Carly!! How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes? It's been a year and three months since we lost Levi. As time has passed my intense grief has subsided some. In many ways I'd say that things got easier... but they're starting to get harder again (though not nearly as hard as the early days). We recently started trying again after waiting and that seems to have sent me into a new wave of raw emotions. How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about? I used to get upset (and recently have felt a tinge of jealousy) when I saw people out. Many of our pregnant friends kept quiet about the day to day issues of their pregnancies which I was grateful for but I'd find myself drawn to their facebook/mys...

Tommy and I went to a wedding last night that I found to be a step in the right direction. I'm not much of a social butterfly... More of the wallflower type. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy being social... But I always feel like I'm bumbling and out of place- and that was before Levi died. Afterwards social events became even more stressful and we generally found excuses not to attend. Something kept nudging me to go to the wedding last night though and I'm glad we did. I knew many of the other guests at the reception so there were no odd 'tell me about yourself' intros and I stuck by my husband's side letting him do most of the talking. I allowed myself to just enjoy the evening which alone seemed major to me but then something more miraculous occured . We were standing near the dance floor when my husband jerked me to the other side of him and told me not to look in the area I'd been in. My first thoughts were that there must be babies or pregnant ladies (...

I had a great morning with an amazing group of women!! We had our second knitting/crocheting get together for the blankets this morning & once again I'm just so touched. (some of the pics are from earlier but I thought I'd share them all- they're also on the website )

I feel like I destroyed the innocence of a high school student today. She ordered her drink and we joked about how nice it was for her boyfriend to treat even though he was getting nothing. Then she saw my bracelet and asked if it was Pandora or Brighton. As I told her it was Brighton I held it up for her to see and she asked who Levi is... while I was telling her it was our son that died she got this deer in the headlights look. She was profusely apologetic but really what do you say? I felt bad... part of me feels that everyone has to learn at some point that life isn't fair and it doesn't turn out the way we expect it to... but part of me longs for that innocence once again myself. I don't know how I would have handled things if I'd known these things happen- and not just to someone else. Even knowing the statistics I don't think I would've believed I'd become one. And even if I did I'd still be missing Levi... but I may have spent more time enjoying ...

I spent some time working in the garden yesterday. Have I mentioned before that I love being out there? It's like an obsession... I keep finding projects to do and plants I want to fill in in certain spots. We have a few things that are flowering right now but not many. We have a few large items that I think are really cool but when I step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective the garden takes a different look. Others don't see the growth from the plants, they might see the weeds that are there but not realize that twice as many have been pulled, they don't see the blooms that were there yesterday but have dropped today. (the photos include some recent blooms but many are from last season that haven't opened yet) How often are our lives like this too? People may think we're having a bad day but don't realize that compared to the days gone by we're doing okay or celebrate the good days we've had. They don't see the internal struggles to j...

Easter is coming soon and with it my thoughts are of the cross and the sacrifice of a beloved first Son. It's interesting... in all of my anger towards God for Levi's death and our struggles in 2008, I don't recall any of my anger targeted towards Christ. How could I? My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did for me. He was battered and bruised- he hung on the cross and yet he still forgave. He knew the pain that was coming and while he didn't necessarily want to drink of it, he was willing to. I don't understand why God the Father asked his only Son to do this for us- I mean, He's God, He gets to make the rules right? So if sacrifice has to be made its because He made that the rule right? That was always my biggest hang-up in my faith- I didn't question the virgin birth or any of the miracles Jesus performed but I struggled with the fact that God intentionally sent Christ to die for us. The summer I surrendered my life I was praying about this ques...