I feel like I destroyed the innocence of a high school student today. She ordered her drink and we joked about how nice it was for her boyfriend to treat even though he was getting nothing. Then she saw my bracelet and asked if it was Pandora or Brighton. As I told her it was Brighton I held it up for her to see and she asked who Levi is... while I was telling her it was our son that died she got this deer in the headlights look. She was profusely apologetic but really what do you say?
I felt bad... part of me feels that everyone has to learn at some point that life isn't fair and it doesn't turn out the way we expect it to... but part of me longs for that innocence once again myself. I don't know how I would have handled things if I'd known these things happen- and not just to someone else. Even knowing the statistics I don't think I would've believed I'd become one. And even if I did I'd still be missing Levi... but I may have spent more time enjoying my pregnancy and taken more action when I got gut feelings that things weren't right instead of accepting what the doctor told me.
Being at a coffee shop all day we have a lot of regulars and try to spend time getting to know them. I find out over and over again (though it seems to be happening a lot lately) the crosses that people are having to carry through life. Some are from circumstances beyond their control and others might be a result of their own decisions but nonetheless they carry the load. We try to listen... though my husband is much better than I am... there are times that I'm able to be there for others but times my own grief is so heavy that I struggle to be the friend they need.
How was I so naive before? I floated through life and now I look back and wonder why I even viewed my problems as problems. I knew other people faced bigger issues and was always amazed at some of the strength some showed through everything... but still I always thought other people were the statistics- not me. Now my innocence is gone but I wonder if the innocence of others should be shattered too- will she be changed knowing what could happen? Will she act with compassion towards others around her realizing they may be carrying a load she can't see? Or will she store this in the back of her mind and think- it won't happen to me; other people are the statistics...
I felt bad... part of me feels that everyone has to learn at some point that life isn't fair and it doesn't turn out the way we expect it to... but part of me longs for that innocence once again myself. I don't know how I would have handled things if I'd known these things happen- and not just to someone else. Even knowing the statistics I don't think I would've believed I'd become one. And even if I did I'd still be missing Levi... but I may have spent more time enjoying my pregnancy and taken more action when I got gut feelings that things weren't right instead of accepting what the doctor told me.
Being at a coffee shop all day we have a lot of regulars and try to spend time getting to know them. I find out over and over again (though it seems to be happening a lot lately) the crosses that people are having to carry through life. Some are from circumstances beyond their control and others might be a result of their own decisions but nonetheless they carry the load. We try to listen... though my husband is much better than I am... there are times that I'm able to be there for others but times my own grief is so heavy that I struggle to be the friend they need.
How was I so naive before? I floated through life and now I look back and wonder why I even viewed my problems as problems. I knew other people faced bigger issues and was always amazed at some of the strength some showed through everything... but still I always thought other people were the statistics- not me. Now my innocence is gone but I wonder if the innocence of others should be shattered too- will she be changed knowing what could happen? Will she act with compassion towards others around her realizing they may be carrying a load she can't see? Or will she store this in the back of her mind and think- it won't happen to me; other people are the statistics...
Comments
My heart breaks all over for you.
Knowing what we know changes everything. There is no way for anyone else to even begin to have a clue.
I know because I was a trained counselor, and I even helped some of my clients as they were going through their grief - I thought I had a clue, but now that I know what I know, I realize I couldn't grasp but an inkling of what they were grappling with despite all the "training" I had.
I truly hate it that we all belong to this "club," and yet this dynamic of a "civilian" being fairly clueless is all the more reason why we who are going through death's hell all need each other!
Much love,
Angie