Life After Levi

Passover- I wonder what the Pharaoh thought when Moses told him that all the firstborn sons would die in the night. Was my heart hardened when I first had that inclination? Or was God just preparing my heart heart for the loss to come? Did Pharaoh even tell the other Egyptians? Would it have mattered? Obviously word quickly spread through the Israelite community and they prepared... the blood of the lambs protected them. I'm so grateful for the blood of The Lamb that protects me still. The angel of death has visited my household- but while it robbed Levi of his breath, it did not steal his eternal life, nor did it rob me of my hope. We go from Passover- a celebration that death did not stop at the Israelite homes. A celebration I feel I can not partake in... but then Easter comes... and while death had occurred, it did not have power over the grave!! That's something worth celebrating to me! I wonder what Jesus thought of the irony as he sat to dine at his final Passover feast?...

This month I wanted to share the ways I included Levi into Christmas last year with everyone from Kelly's site- The Beauty of Sufficient Grace . If you are feeling lost wondering what to do this Christmas head over there and I hope you find some ideas and comfort. Last year at Christmas I just tried to stay busy at the store. It's strange- we decorated there and it didn't bother me but I struggled going into other stores- so I didn't. I think I went into one store to buy Tommy's gift, then one to buy gifts for our parents and one to buy an ornament for Levi. Tommy's gift had no sentimental value attached- he got a Nintendo DS just to make him smile. Our parents (besides getting coffee & tea) got an ornament. There's a local engraver in town so I got Levi's hand print etched into crystal (I got one for us too). I had to darken Levi's hand print a little because they couldn't work with any grey scale but you can't tell the difference if y...

Matthew 10:37-39 37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. It's interesting how things can change. I've read the verse before and pondered on it but it didn't hit home like it does now. We've been studying Joshua in Sunday School and I don't even know what connection they were trying to make with the verse in Matthew... and the person who shared the verse didn't go into any explanation of it either. She just kinda tossed it out there. But my mind focused on it the whole morning. (And since I'm writing this on a Tuesday you can see my mind has continued to dwell on it.) When I'd read that verse before I always wanted to say I was worthy of Christ... not really worthy- I know I can ne...

Monday I weeded the garden for an hour and a half ... and only got through about a third of it. It's just been too hot lately- the temperatures here have been in the triple digits but it needed to be done. I didn't want the weeds choking the plants out, plus it just wasn't looking all that pretty anymore. All my free time in the garden lately has been spent watering, the heat has dried everything out so that it's a daily need. The garden... such a symbol of the soul. I know I'm repeating myself on some things but when I go out to the garden and really spend time out there I feel like I can just see the scripture through new eyes and with new understanding. Forgive me if I bore you but I just can't help myself sometimes. I've come to notice that hydrangeas are called that for a reason- the 'hydro' thing is so true- they suck up the water and look sad and droopy if they go a day without it. I've noticed people are that way too. Isaiah 1:30 You will...

I'm happy being the hands and feet of Christ but the mouth... I feel totally inadequate. Ok so I feel inadequate next to Christ period but I'm always at a loss for what to say to other people. I got a call the other day... I knew it'd come one day but I still felt unprepared. One of the women who received a kit at the hospital called me in tears. She lost her sweet son recently. I listened more than speaking because I know that's what most people need anyways- there's nothing anyone can say to fix another's pain- but there were times I was at such a loss for words of comfort that she asked if I was still on the line. The pain in her voice... I know that pain. After we hung up I remained shaky for a little while and her cries still resonate with me. ************************************************************** I had to deliver two more kits to the hospital and when I took them into the maternity wing there was a newborn crying as the nurses were swaddling him. B...

These two definitions seem so different but I've really been struggling with them lately. Test : 1 achiefly British : cupel b (1): a critical examination, observation, or evaluation : trial ; specifically : the procedure of submitting a statement to such conditions or operations as will lead to its proof or disproof or to its acceptance or rejection (2): a basis for evaluation : criterion c: an ordeal or oath required as proof of conformity with a set of beliefs Trust: 1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit I trust God and He is far above any evaluation I could ever give Him but still I worry sometimes that I'm testing. I know I can rely on Him, I know His character is good but it's hard sometimes when I'm in the midst of trials to not want...

I'm just getting out of church and wiping the tears away. My pastor has buried a son who was in the service. While his sermon wasn't at all focused on death or grief, I couldn't help but think about it anyway. My heart goes out this weekend to all the families who have buried a son or daughter fighting for our freedoms. I like to stay politically neutral but don't take for granted the sacrifices that others have made. Earlier this week I saw a post on facebook of a friend that's served in Iraq remembering two fallen soldiers. It's so easy to focus on the beach or bar-b-que on these Memorial day weekends rather than the sacrifices made. And I think there's a time and place for beaches & bar-b-ques... but we must not forget the lives that are now gone or the families and friends left behind. The sermon today was on spending time together and making the most of each moment. Gathering around the table, breaking bread together. Not just making small...

Easter is coming soon and with it my thoughts are of the cross and the sacrifice of a beloved first Son. It's interesting... in all of my anger towards God for Levi's death and our struggles in 2008, I don't recall any of my anger targeted towards Christ. How could I? My sufferings are nothing compared to what he did for me. He was battered and bruised- he hung on the cross and yet he still forgave. He knew the pain that was coming and while he didn't necessarily want to drink of it, he was willing to. I don't understand why God the Father asked his only Son to do this for us- I mean, He's God, He gets to make the rules right? So if sacrifice has to be made its because He made that the rule right? That was always my biggest hang-up in my faith- I didn't question the virgin birth or any of the miracles Jesus performed but I struggled with the fact that God intentionally sent Christ to die for us. The summer I surrendered my life I was praying about this ques...

They say time heals all wounds... I think there's some truth to that statement but I think I'd have to modifiy it a little. As long as you aren't letting small cuts get infected or picking at scabs then yes, time will heal small wounds. If you loose your arm it isn't like you'll grow another with time (unless of course you're a starfish) and I think the same is true with major emotional wounds. Time doesn't completely heal- you just learn to adapt and deal with the pain. Things may get easier as time passes because you've learned ways to cope but time doesn't fix whatever has caused the pain in the first place. I was thinking about the physical and emotional scars in life as I was doing crunches the other day. I had never understood how weather affected scars and things (my husband broke his arm in high school and it aches depending on the weather) but I'm beginning to get it. I don't normally notice my scar from my c-section but when I'v...

I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog. For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began. ...

I've just finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom and I have to confess, I'm feeling a little convicted. I've felt so swallowed in my grief and my situations and I know that I've fallen short of the mark. Not that I will ever achieve perfection, I know better than to think that... but I'm disappointed in myself. If you've never read the book I highly recommend it. Her family hid Jews from the Nazis in their home in Holland and were later taken to concentration camps. What amazes me though is her heart (and her sister Betsie's as well) towards the guards and her faith in Christ. It's one of love and forgiveness. Her faith brought hope in the middle of the barracks when all circumstances around them would shout hopelessness. During the last ten months I've been so angry at God and the doctors and yet I long to have the love and faith of this woman. I've felt convicted as I've read because I know that my suffering does not even com...

Faith has always been a fairly common topic of conversation between my husband and I but even more so since Levi's death. Before I accepted that God is a good, loving, just God without question but I've since struggled with that. I'm very angry with Him (and also the OB) and wonder what the justice is in this? How is this loving? Despite my questions I haven't wavered much (until some recently) that God has a purpose in this and He's still watching over us. All the while Tommy has been obedient in reading his Bible for obedience sake but has wondered how my faith has seemed so steady (for lack of a better word). I think it's because of all the little things. It seems as though every book I've read recently has a store line involving a stillbirth or death of an infant- and I'm not seeking out stories that connect to my life- if anything I'm trying to find escapes from my life. Another example- we were listening to the radio the other day & it sta...

Tommy & I were talking last night about how robbed we feel... some people may think it's been enough time to stop dwelling on our loss & focusing on the future. On one hand it's been five months... on the other hand it's only been five months... if Levi were with us he'd be smiling right now and reaching for things, he'd be lifting his head and babbling. He'd still be very much a baby and we'd still very much be new parents. One of our customers came in today as I was trying to figure out when we'd be closing up for Father's day & our anniversary and started talking about how we needed to stay open for the consistancy of our customers... and we shouldn't close up just to go "play at the beach". I think this is the first time a customer's comments have actually hurt... we closed for a week while I was in the hospital and then started opening for half days but besides that the doors have been open. I quickly explained ...

Today is Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday... the day Jesus celebrated Passover with the deciples in what we now refer to the Last Supper. Seven years ago I was baptized on Maundy Thursday (the date itself I can’t remember as Easter changes with the Jewish calendar) and so tonight I was reflecting back on my faith and growth as a Christian. For my friends that knew me growing up and even those that knew me in college you may have assumed that I’ve been a Christian for more than just the past seven years but that’s not the case. It wasn’t just a facade though, I truly was seeking God but it wasn’t until the summer I was 20 that I surrendered control of my life. I’d love to say that I’ve been the perfect Christian since then but like everyone I’ve fallen way short of the mark but each time I try to pick myself up and start again. As undeserving as I am God has blessed my life. Even though there’s been pain and sorrows this year God has still brought blessings and I feel I must praise ...