Life After Levi

I wasn't expecting it. One of my dear sweet friends announced she was moving, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me like it did. I knew it would be hard to see her go because she's really reached out to me since Levi died. I didn't even know her before his death but she made an effort to offer comfort and connect. Still though, it surprised me when I kept tearing up because that's just not my normal reaction. Then it hit me. Her youngest son is the only three year old boy I have really been able to watch grow up... and now he's gone too. I miss them.

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching. I am thankful for the manna. A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job......

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less. We didn't pass go, we didn't collect two hundred dollars. We went straight to the hospital. Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see...

I saw a status update on facebook that made me think. I don't know the whole story so please know that I'm only sharing my reaction. From what I can gather, the person posting the status was talking to someone yesterday and they later went and committed suicide... she wondered aloud if there had been anything she could have said or done differently that could've made a difference. I don't know their conversation, I don't know what was said yesterday, I don't even know the name of the person that committed suicide. I only know what thoughts it brought to my own mind. Reading that made me think back to the early days after Levi's death when I wouldn't have minded dying myself. Please don't misunderstand, I didn't want to commit suicide- but I wouldn't have been upset to have been in a fatal accident or something. I thought about the people that didn't say or do the 'right' things. I'm not going to lie- there were people that sai...

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not. I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made the...

Romans 12:11-13 (New International Version) 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Joyful in hope My heart is full of hope today! I went and talked to another local hospital about giving out the pregnancy loss kits and just walked away feeling so touched!!!! The nurse-manager of the OB department was so encouraging and caring! They already have some wonderful things they do when women suffer a later loss but I think this will compliment that well. I know so often people want to be in the OB units because it's such a happy place but it's nice knowing there are those that understand the harsh reality that it is generally a happy place... not always. I cannot completely stop other families from suffering the same fate that we have but I can do my best to provide comfort during their time of need. I cannot do it ...

So I wasn't quite as ready or as strong as I thought I was... I went to my first baby shower today for someone I've been friends with since I was in diapers. I really thought I'd be ok... I know I struggled with the reunion last weekend but I thought this weekend would be different- this time the focus would be only on her- not on an entire group of people with kids. I was wrong. Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't. I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at ...

This weekend has been a long one and we haven't finished our adventures so most likely I'll post again about it but wanted to share everything so far. One thing I've really walked away from this weekend feeling is that Levi may be gone, but he certainly isn't forgotten. This was reinforced with each visit we made with friends and family. With our business being a small 'mom & pop' type operation it's hard (yet important) to take a break. We close after Christmas & closed up for Easter and decided to close up for most of the week of the 4th. The town we live in is small and it seems that most people are away on family vacations around the 4th anyways so... we try to make the most of the times when we know business will be slow anyway to get away and see our family too. Anyways- I say all that so you'll better understand why we drove all over the state in a matter of days. We left Bainbridge & headed down to my grandma in Clearwater, then my gr...

one giant leap for me!!! Last week I shared some of the ways I'd faced my fears and realized I was stronger than I thought... well the trend continued. There's a new couple in town and the wife has been coming into the coffee shop. Well... she invited me to her place for an open house so I went. Did I mention she's also pregnant and showing? (And for J. she drinks decaf so I didn't even have to think about throwing bagels at her :)) I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was...

If any of you reading are in the Birmingham area (or if you want an excuse to actually meet in real life rather than just virtually) please check out what Loni and her friend Abby have organized in memory of their babies Maddox, Braden and Brody. It's to raise money for a grief counseling center near them! Feel free to pass the word along- the more the merrier!! I'm so encouraged to see all the things different people are doing in memory of their babies to reach out to others who are hurting- some are knitting hats for local hospitals, some organizing events that both raise money and awareness, some write the names of these children to let the parents know their child is not forgotten, some offer their words of encouragement to others to let them know they aren't alone... the list goes on and on. I know in my own experience creating the pregnancy loss kits for the hospital here has been very healing in so many ways. It doesn't make all the pain go away but shines a lit...

We took the weekend off to visit with friends. It wasn't a fun weekend though. I've been trying to analyze everything and while I know there are times that I have no rhyme or reason for my feelings I still try to come up with one. My husband's long time friends were down on their vacation and also invited some of their other friends they don't get to see often since they've moved away. Each of the couples has 3 kids- and then there's us and our dog. I've been doing well with kids lately and we've seen these friends since loosing Levi so I didn't think it'd be a big deal. All of them are older than Levi (though one is only 6 months older) so I wasn't stuck with infants or pregnant ladies. But still... it hit me hard. I think when we're the only ones without parenting stories to share it hits home more. We're the third wheel... Almost as soon as we got down there I could feel my throat tightening and myself tensing up. I tried ...

I was talking to a friend about death yesterday... it's her business... I'm sure our paths would have crossed at some point- we're in a small town- but I don't know if a friendship would have formed if she hadn't prepared my son for burial. I've mentioned it before but it helps having someone that feels comfortable talking about death. Before losing Levi it's a subject I would have avoided. I still don't always feel free to talk though - death makes people feel uncomfortable (which is why I generally write instead of talk). But she's chosen to deal with death as her profession so I don't worry when I talk to her that she'll try to find a way to change the subject (though we do talk about other things too). We both know death in our own way and yet we don't know it at all. We don't know exactly what happens after death comes. We don't know what each survivor is going through either. I know what it's been like for me to loose my...

I'm just getting out of church and wiping the tears away. My pastor has buried a son who was in the service. While his sermon wasn't at all focused on death or grief, I couldn't help but think about it anyway. My heart goes out this weekend to all the families who have buried a son or daughter fighting for our freedoms. I like to stay politically neutral but don't take for granted the sacrifices that others have made. Earlier this week I saw a post on facebook of a friend that's served in Iraq remembering two fallen soldiers. It's so easy to focus on the beach or bar-b-que on these Memorial day weekends rather than the sacrifices made. And I think there's a time and place for beaches & bar-b-ques... but we must not forget the lives that are now gone or the families and friends left behind. The sermon today was on spending time together and making the most of each moment. Gathering around the table, breaking bread together. Not just making small...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 I know this verse, but knowing and following are two different things. I was very anxious in the week leading up to Mother's day. I couldn't even say the word's Mother's Day without getting a tremble in my voice. It was the same way leading up to January... except the anxiety started much sooner then. I don't know why I didn't learn from January, but I didn't. I was dreading Sunday. I did bring my requests for prayers for peace & comfort to those around me. Their prayers were answered & many sent me words of comfort. Once again I had a peace that I don't understand. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 It may seem strange but knowing God is taking care of these small details like having peace on Mother's day hel...

...a day can make. Yesterday I was already feeling down thinking about this weekend and today I'm back to being ok. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it but I'm not dreading it either. I survived last year and I'll survive this year and it'll soon be over and done with until next year. There were some great ideas shared for getting through the day!!! ...one person can make. I've had so many people that have lifted my spirits lately. (I realize I said one person but each person reached out in their own way.) I got a really sweet Bear Hug from one friend (you can check it out below), some friends called, some said little and let their looks and embraces speak, some left encouraging messages. My husband let me relax and knit during the afternoon (and I was very appoligetic for getting snippy at him). All were uplifting & welcome! ...prayer can make. I got a call from the hospital. I really think we're on the same page now. I truly hope so! We've...

We came home today at lunch and I totally felt like the three bears... as in Goldilocks and the Three Bears... except I didn't. Ok, that doesn't totally make sense... I always walk through the garden while our dog runs around the yard (I like to give him a little privacy) and I noticed that someone had been there. Nothing was disturbed but someone put something by one of our plants & it made me do a double take. I really have no clue who did it but it made me smile to think that someone thought of me. I hope they also enjoyed the beauty of the garden. We'd wanted to create a prayer garden for the community but didn't get the green light so I feel bad sometimes that Tommy and I are the main ones that get to enjoy the flowers... which made me glad that someone popped in today. I hope they at least sat under the gazebo for a little bit and just enjoyed some quiet time with God and didn't just place their mystery object and leave. I also hope they didn't p...

I spent some time working in the garden yesterday. Have I mentioned before that I love being out there? It's like an obsession... I keep finding projects to do and plants I want to fill in in certain spots. We have a few things that are flowering right now but not many. We have a few large items that I think are really cool but when I step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective the garden takes a different look. Others don't see the growth from the plants, they might see the weeds that are there but not realize that twice as many have been pulled, they don't see the blooms that were there yesterday but have dropped today. (the photos include some recent blooms but many are from last season that haven't opened yet) How often are our lives like this too? People may think we're having a bad day but don't realize that compared to the days gone by we're doing okay or celebrate the good days we've had. They don't see the internal struggles to j...

Saturday we had a blanket making day for the Hope for Tomorrow project. I couldn't have been more happy with the way everything turned out. God moved me toward vulnerability and nobody seemed scared away today :). I'm behind where I should be in my daily reading of the Bible but God even used that today. This morning I was moved as I read Exodus 35:30-35 "Then Moses said to the Israelites, See, the LORD has chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 31 and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts- 32 to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, 33 to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic craftsmanship. 34 And he has given both him and Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, the ability to teach others. 35 He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as craftsmen, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and f...

I made it... I had a mini panic attack but I made it. A friend that had a little boy this January brought him by today... no advanced warning. I've seen babies as they've come in the store but I don't attempt to connect to the moms and certainly not the babies. Today though, I got a glimpse into what my life could have been like a year ago. I didn't ask to hold her son and luckily she didn't offer him to me. My husband wasn't here for help & support... He's been out of town all week. I've been really proud of the way I've handled things without him; my time management/self motivation has been a little lacking but I've really stayed on task since I haven't been able to depend on him to pick up my slack. I wish he were here today though. The baby's mama is more his friend than mine (they went to high school together) but despite him being gone they stayed and visited for a while. (I think in their defense they tried giving us a heads u...

So I picked up the phone and made the call. I called my friend who shared the news of her baby's birth on Jan 9th. The conversation was hard but I'm glad I did it. While we weren't the best of friends, she always talked about Levi and seemed to want to genuinely know how I was doing. I feel bad that I really can't be there for her emotionally when she needs it but I think she understands why and has let me re-initiate the lines of communication. I asked about her little girl... who at two months old is still smaller than Levi was and just got to go home from the hospital and is still hooked up to monitors. She asked about the Levi's Hope project and wants to donate blankets. She also apoligized for sharing her news on the 9th. I admitted it was (and still is) hard hearing it and told her I answered the phone only because she was due in March and then we left that subject and moved on because really nothing more needed to be said. I'm thankful for her appollogy a...