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Today I survived...

I made it... I had a mini panic attack but I made it. A friend that had a little boy this January brought him by today... no advanced warning.
I've seen babies as they've come in the store but I don't attempt to connect to the moms and certainly not the babies. Today though, I got a glimpse into what my life could have been like a year ago. I didn't ask to hold her son and luckily she didn't offer him to me.

My husband wasn't here for help & support... He's been out of town all week. I've been really proud of the way I've handled things without him; my time management/self motivation has been a little lacking but I've really stayed on task since I haven't been able to depend on him to pick up my slack. I wish he were here today though. The baby's mama is more his friend than mine (they went to high school together) but despite him being gone they stayed and visited for a while. (I think in their defense they tried giving us a heads up but my hubby didn't answer his phone and we get along well) I truly did enjoy visiting but it was still hard.

After they left I kept myself together and helped the customers that trickled in... though I could tell that neither my brain nor my heart was in it. As some of our regulars floated in I left the counter to one of our employees and tried making small talk with them. That helped a little.

I know some of the women in the blogging world and in my support group have held babies and spent time with their pregnant friends but I'm still not at the stage where I'm wanting to hang out with the mommy crowd. I worry that I'll be issolated from that crowd when I do finally have a baby in my arms... I know that crowd changes as each wave of new babies comes... but still... I wanted so much to be one of them!

But today... today I just looked on...
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Debbie said…
Rebekah-
I seriously could not even talk to a pregnant woman, until I became pregnant myself. Isn't that awful? My best friend was pregnant and had a little girl at the end of October and it ripped my heart out to listen to her complain about pregnancy-related woes. You know, the ones like "I can't eat anything without getting sick." Those things we know now are trivial in the greater scheme of things.
It got to the point where I just avoided her. But, once I found out I was having another baby, it suddenly became easier to bear. If that makes sense.

I admire you for being able to visit with mom & baby, and holding it together while they were there.

It's all about the baby steps, friend. You're doing awesome. <3
March 21, 2009 at 8:45 AM
Kara's Mom said…
It's good that you were able to visit with that new mom and able to handle your feelings as a result of that visit. I still feel very 'left out' of the mommy club, pregnant club and normal-human-being club. This grief isolates you in so many ways, I don't believe we'll ever start fitting in again until we're pregnant and/or holding our own live babies one day.
March 22, 2009 at 12:33 PM
Cathy said…
((((((((((( Rebekah))))))))
love you.
March 22, 2009 at 9:06 PM
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