Life After Levi

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching. I am thankful for the manna. A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job......

Tomorrow is going to be strange. We're closing the shop on Mondays and Tuesdays beginning this Monday. It isn't because we want to but rather because we need to. Insurance is killing us- it's more than our mortgage- and with the economy we just can't seem to make up for it. Tommy has a potential part time job lined up that he'll be working Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturday afternoons, so I hope and pray that having a stable income is the help we need (I know it may seem strange to close up in order to make money but Monday & Tuesday are the slowest days for us and it gets expensive training people and paying for labor in our absence). I'm teaching again this semester- but not very many hours so my supplemental income isn't supplementing very much. My plan was to stay at home after the baby... but I'm starting to accept that I may be teaching in the fall as well. (That makes our mothers happy because they would be forced to come up and watch the baby for...

Hopefully soon I'll be able to catch my breath but for now I've been staying busy. I went to the doctor's office last week and my numbers were good- I'll go again on the 23rd and have an ultrasound. My days have consisted of sleeping, nauseousness, more sleeping and school work- even the nauseousness has been wonderful. I do feel bad though- Tommy has been running the shop basically single handedly. I remember sleeping a lot with Levi too but the shop wasn't open yet so my days were much more flexible. I was hitting the end of my first trimester and gaining more energy when we opened our doors two years ago. It's interesting. Most people's comments after we lost Levi didn't hurt, I knew they didn't know what to say and I was grateful they were at least willing to have the courage to say anything at all. Now though... I'm finding the comments really hurt. This morning a man told me that the worst thing was getting home and not knowing what to do w...

This weekend has been a long one and we haven't finished our adventures so most likely I'll post again about it but wanted to share everything so far. One thing I've really walked away from this weekend feeling is that Levi may be gone, but he certainly isn't forgotten. This was reinforced with each visit we made with friends and family. With our business being a small 'mom & pop' type operation it's hard (yet important) to take a break. We close after Christmas & closed up for Easter and decided to close up for most of the week of the 4th. The town we live in is small and it seems that most people are away on family vacations around the 4th anyways so... we try to make the most of the times when we know business will be slow anyway to get away and see our family too. Anyways- I say all that so you'll better understand why we drove all over the state in a matter of days. We left Bainbridge & headed down to my grandma in Clearwater, then my gr...

These two definitions seem so different but I've really been struggling with them lately. Test : 1 achiefly British : cupel b (1): a critical examination, observation, or evaluation : trial ; specifically : the procedure of submitting a statement to such conditions or operations as will lead to its proof or disproof or to its acceptance or rejection (2): a basis for evaluation : criterion c: an ordeal or oath required as proof of conformity with a set of beliefs Trust: 1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit I trust God and He is far above any evaluation I could ever give Him but still I worry sometimes that I'm testing. I know I can rely on Him, I know His character is good but it's hard sometimes when I'm in the midst of trials to not want...

I'm just getting out of church and wiping the tears away. My pastor has buried a son who was in the service. While his sermon wasn't at all focused on death or grief, I couldn't help but think about it anyway. My heart goes out this weekend to all the families who have buried a son or daughter fighting for our freedoms. I like to stay politically neutral but don't take for granted the sacrifices that others have made. Earlier this week I saw a post on facebook of a friend that's served in Iraq remembering two fallen soldiers. It's so easy to focus on the beach or bar-b-que on these Memorial day weekends rather than the sacrifices made. And I think there's a time and place for beaches & bar-b-ques... but we must not forget the lives that are now gone or the families and friends left behind. The sermon today was on spending time together and making the most of each moment. Gathering around the table, breaking bread together. Not just making small...

I feel like I destroyed the innocence of a high school student today. She ordered her drink and we joked about how nice it was for her boyfriend to treat even though he was getting nothing. Then she saw my bracelet and asked if it was Pandora or Brighton. As I told her it was Brighton I held it up for her to see and she asked who Levi is... while I was telling her it was our son that died she got this deer in the headlights look. She was profusely apologetic but really what do you say? I felt bad... part of me feels that everyone has to learn at some point that life isn't fair and it doesn't turn out the way we expect it to... but part of me longs for that innocence once again myself. I don't know how I would have handled things if I'd known these things happen- and not just to someone else. Even knowing the statistics I don't think I would've believed I'd become one. And even if I did I'd still be missing Levi... but I may have spent more time enjoying ...

I'm sitting outside the shop taking in the music in the park they have every year during artsfest. From what many of the locals have told me artsfest used to be a huge deal and would draw huge crowds... Most people I've talked to this year don't even realize it's occurring this week. Anyway, that's beside the point. As I'm sitting here I can't help but think of artsfest last year. I hadn't been back at work for too long but we could tell no one knew what to say and started avoiding us (and therefore also avoiding the shop) so I did what I had to do for the business. I put on the biggest smile I could muster and passed out free samples to the people in the park. I made small talk and repeated over and over that we were doing ok... I don't know if people believed me but they didn't seem as scared to talk to us after that. I wonder sometimes if I put on a smile too much... I use my blog as an outlet but rarely let people see the real me (in real lif...

I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog. For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began. ...

Today one of our regulars brought her niece in with her. She was adorable and all smiles. As we made a drink in the blender she looked in it's direction, intrigued by the new sound. I normally don't ask how old the babies are that come in but this time I just couldn't help myself. Her aunt told me she's nine months. I should've known. If Levi had lived he'd be that age too. Since it was a little girl it was a little easier but seeing her curiosity and smiles made my heart ache for him. I'm glad I asked though because I always wonder what milestones Levi would be hitting and since I don't have any other kids I really don't have a point of reference so this in a way actually was therapeutic.

A little while ago I was reading another blog that really inspired me- check it out here: http://afifthseason.blogspot.com/2008/09/caitlins-gifts.html . January seems to be coming so quickly and I can't believe that nine months have passed already though I know my grief is not so raw and I can feel healing taking place. Today for example started out a disaster- we woke up an hour late and when we got to the store found the roof is leaking. A few months ago I would have broken down and had panic attacks but today I felt like I took it in stride. We've called the landlord and dried what needed to be dried (thank goodness not much was damaged besides the ceiling though) and now there's nothing more for us to do for the moment. Later we found out that someone's washer & dryer got delivered & was hooked up incorrectly so we're just glad it was relatively clean water. I'm not happy that we keep having one crisis after another because Levi's death should h...