Skip to main content

Putting on smiles

I'm sitting outside the shop taking in the music in the park they have every year during artsfest. From what many of the locals have told me artsfest used to be a huge deal and would draw huge crowds... Most people I've talked to this year don't even realize it's occurring this week. Anyway, that's beside the point.

As I'm sitting here I can't help but think of artsfest last year. I hadn't been back at work for too long but we could tell no one knew what to say and started avoiding us (and therefore also avoiding the shop) so I did what I had to do for the business. I put on the biggest smile I could muster and passed out free samples to the people in the park. I made small talk and repeated over and over that we were doing ok... I don't know if people believed me but they didn't seem as scared to talk to us after that.

I wonder sometimes if I put on a smile too much... I use my blog as an outlet but rarely let people see the real me (in real life) and that's not how/who I want to be. I don't know how to be vulnerable without getting hurt, scaring people away or hurting them. I've slowly been letting people in- but still, as a whole, very guarded.

Comments

Kara's Mom said…
I too, have been hiding the real me (the griefstricken, broken, lost mother) from everyone but my husband. I had a customer say to me recently "Wow - you look and act like a normal person." I replied "You have no idea." That was the extent of my revelation. Grief is simply too difficult for people to understand unless they've been through it themselves. I wish we could stop worrying about other people's reactions to our own grief and just simply 'be'.

Popular posts from this blog

One word

Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...

Thankfulness

It's been 6 years since hearing the silence we expected to be a heartbeat. As I think back today, I am filled with thankfulness. I'm thankful for... ... a God who has brought comfort when I mourned. ... His peace that surpasses all understanding. ... the joy that comes in the mourning. ... a faith that weathered the storms. ... a husband that provided and held it together when I couldn't. ... a husband who finds joy in being a daddy to our two blessings. ... our family and friends that mourned with us. ... our family and friends who now rejoice with us. ... the restoration of relationships. ... the two blessings that now call me mama. ... the ability to realize the important things in life aren't things. ... the joy a simple snuggle brings knowing that we aren't guaranteed anything in this life. ... being able to share Levi's story with others. ... healing. I am so grateful that God prepared us in so many ways before Levi's death and he's brought ...

Bedrest

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less. We didn't pass go, we didn't collect two hundred dollars. We went straight to the hospital. Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see...

Levi Aaron

Levi Aaron