Life After Levi

I never understood why people hated the holidays... until last year. I didn't want to sit alone in an empty house but neither did I want to be surrounded by smiling happy people that I had to make small talk with. Last year I struggled with the mere thought of being thankful. Sure, I had my family, my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I didn't have what I longed for the most. My son was dead. I had to visit his grave rather than pass him around to ooing, aahhing relatives. This year is different. Death has lost its sting and I now have life growing inside. This year I can smile- and mean it. I didn't struggle leading up to Thanksgiving (besides the panic attack I posted about) and wondered if the day itself would bring a rush of emotions, and while there was a twinge of sadness I primarily focused on the things I do have. There was still a highchair missing from the table but this year I found it easier to focus with gratitude for the blessings in my l...

Romans 12:11-13 (New International Version) 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Joyful in hope My heart is full of hope today! I went and talked to another local hospital about giving out the pregnancy loss kits and just walked away feeling so touched!!!! The nurse-manager of the OB department was so encouraging and caring! They already have some wonderful things they do when women suffer a later loss but I think this will compliment that well. I know so often people want to be in the OB units because it's such a happy place but it's nice knowing there are those that understand the harsh reality that it is generally a happy place... not always. I cannot completely stop other families from suffering the same fate that we have but I can do my best to provide comfort during their time of need. I cannot do it ...

Tommy was so sweet on Tuesday (and the rest of the days too). He brought me roses to let me know he was thinking of Levi too and to brighten my day. Some of the conversations surrounding the roses have been interesting. Some have brought deeper connections; I've found out about a few losses that I didn't know of before. Only one poured salt in my wounds; after she inquired the reason for the flowers and I told her it marked 1 1/2 years after Levi's death she informed me that it is now time to have another. I think I made her uncomfortable when I politely told her we're working on it. The majority of the people just admire the roses and don't ask what they're for unless to jokingly ask if Tommy got in trouble for something. Unless they specifically ask, I haven't bothered explaining the occasion behind the gift and just let them be admired by all- a ray of sunshine from Levi. I've been feeling really good about the place I'm in and can see how far I...

one giant leap for me!!! Last week I shared some of the ways I'd faced my fears and realized I was stronger than I thought... well the trend continued. There's a new couple in town and the wife has been coming into the coffee shop. Well... she invited me to her place for an open house so I went. Did I mention she's also pregnant and showing? (And for J. she drinks decaf so I didn't even have to think about throwing bagels at her :)) I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was...

I'm happy being the hands and feet of Christ but the mouth... I feel totally inadequate. Ok so I feel inadequate next to Christ period but I'm always at a loss for what to say to other people. I got a call the other day... I knew it'd come one day but I still felt unprepared. One of the women who received a kit at the hospital called me in tears. She lost her sweet son recently. I listened more than speaking because I know that's what most people need anyways- there's nothing anyone can say to fix another's pain- but there were times I was at such a loss for words of comfort that she asked if I was still on the line. The pain in her voice... I know that pain. After we hung up I remained shaky for a little while and her cries still resonate with me. ************************************************************** I had to deliver two more kits to the hospital and when I took them into the maternity wing there was a newborn crying as the nurses were swaddling him. B...

If any of you reading are in the Birmingham area (or if you want an excuse to actually meet in real life rather than just virtually) please check out what Loni and her friend Abby have organized in memory of their babies Maddox, Braden and Brody. It's to raise money for a grief counseling center near them! Feel free to pass the word along- the more the merrier!! I'm so encouraged to see all the things different people are doing in memory of their babies to reach out to others who are hurting- some are knitting hats for local hospitals, some organizing events that both raise money and awareness, some write the names of these children to let the parents know their child is not forgotten, some offer their words of encouragement to others to let them know they aren't alone... the list goes on and on. I know in my own experience creating the pregnancy loss kits for the hospital here has been very healing in so many ways. It doesn't make all the pain go away but shines a lit...

...a day can make. Yesterday I was already feeling down thinking about this weekend and today I'm back to being ok. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it but I'm not dreading it either. I survived last year and I'll survive this year and it'll soon be over and done with until next year. There were some great ideas shared for getting through the day!!! ...one person can make. I've had so many people that have lifted my spirits lately. (I realize I said one person but each person reached out in their own way.) I got a really sweet Bear Hug from one friend (you can check it out below), some friends called, some said little and let their looks and embraces speak, some left encouraging messages. My husband let me relax and knit during the afternoon (and I was very appoligetic for getting snippy at him). All were uplifting & welcome! ...prayer can make. I got a call from the hospital. I really think we're on the same page now. I truly hope so! We've...

If you aren't familiar with Under the Tree please check it out!! Click on the link & answer the questions about your loss. Thank you again Carly!! How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes? It's been a year and three months since we lost Levi. As time has passed my intense grief has subsided some. In many ways I'd say that things got easier... but they're starting to get harder again (though not nearly as hard as the early days). We recently started trying again after waiting and that seems to have sent me into a new wave of raw emotions. How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about? I used to get upset (and recently have felt a tinge of jealousy) when I saw people out. Many of our pregnant friends kept quiet about the day to day issues of their pregnancies which I was grateful for but I'd find myself drawn to their facebook/mys...

I had a great morning with an amazing group of women!! We had our second knitting/crocheting get together for the blankets this morning & once again I'm just so touched. (some of the pics are from earlier but I thought I'd share them all- they're also on the website )

Saturday we had a blanket making day for the Hope for Tomorrow project. I couldn't have been more happy with the way everything turned out. God moved me toward vulnerability and nobody seemed scared away today :). I'm behind where I should be in my daily reading of the Bible but God even used that today. This morning I was moved as I read Exodus 35:30-35 "Then Moses said to the Israelites, See, the LORD has chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 31 and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts- 32 to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, 33 to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic craftsmanship. 34 And he has given both him and Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, the ability to teach others. 35 He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as craftsmen, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and f...

So I picked up the phone and made the call. I called my friend who shared the news of her baby's birth on Jan 9th. The conversation was hard but I'm glad I did it. While we weren't the best of friends, she always talked about Levi and seemed to want to genuinely know how I was doing. I feel bad that I really can't be there for her emotionally when she needs it but I think she understands why and has let me re-initiate the lines of communication. I asked about her little girl... who at two months old is still smaller than Levi was and just got to go home from the hospital and is still hooked up to monitors. She asked about the Levi's Hope project and wants to donate blankets. She also apoligized for sharing her news on the 9th. I admitted it was (and still is) hard hearing it and told her I answered the phone only because she was due in March and then we left that subject and moved on because really nothing more needed to be said. I'm thankful for her appollogy a...