Life After Levi

My zinnias are overgrown. I was going to cut them down this weekend when I realized how many butterflies they attract. Overgrown as they may be, the zinnias stayed and I sat and thought of Levi and all the other babies gone too soon.  

Monday I weeded the garden for an hour and a half ... and only got through about a third of it. It's just been too hot lately- the temperatures here have been in the triple digits but it needed to be done. I didn't want the weeds choking the plants out, plus it just wasn't looking all that pretty anymore. All my free time in the garden lately has been spent watering, the heat has dried everything out so that it's a daily need. The garden... such a symbol of the soul. I know I'm repeating myself on some things but when I go out to the garden and really spend time out there I feel like I can just see the scripture through new eyes and with new understanding. Forgive me if I bore you but I just can't help myself sometimes. I've come to notice that hydrangeas are called that for a reason- the 'hydro' thing is so true- they suck up the water and look sad and droopy if they go a day without it. I've noticed people are that way too. Isaiah 1:30 You will...

I give up. Not totally but I'm not caring quite so much anymore. The bunnies are multiplying and they seem to laugh at my attempts to keep them away from their salad bar. Above is a picture of one of the bunnies in the front yard. Notice that it's surrounded by grass... plenty of food that I'd be happy for it to eat but I guess given the choice I'd prefer the flowers too. Below is a picture at the cemetery. My mom thought it'd be funny to have a bunny out there too- I must admit I got a kick out of it. Seeing the stone bunny and getting a chuckle out of it reminds me once again that while it might be a little annoying to plant the flowers to have them nibbled it's really not worth stressing & losing sleep over it. I've been reflecting back over the last six years of marriage too recently (our anniversary is tomorrow). Each year has brought different challenges- some brought on by ourselves; some out of our control. At times I feel like I'm defeated- ...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 I know this verse, but knowing and following are two different things. I was very anxious in the week leading up to Mother's day. I couldn't even say the word's Mother's Day without getting a tremble in my voice. It was the same way leading up to January... except the anxiety started much sooner then. I don't know why I didn't learn from January, but I didn't. I was dreading Sunday. I did bring my requests for prayers for peace & comfort to those around me. Their prayers were answered & many sent me words of comfort. Once again I had a peace that I don't understand. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 It may seem strange but knowing God is taking care of these small details like having peace on Mother's day hel...

We came home today at lunch and I totally felt like the three bears... as in Goldilocks and the Three Bears... except I didn't. Ok, that doesn't totally make sense... I always walk through the garden while our dog runs around the yard (I like to give him a little privacy) and I noticed that someone had been there. Nothing was disturbed but someone put something by one of our plants & it made me do a double take. I really have no clue who did it but it made me smile to think that someone thought of me. I hope they also enjoyed the beauty of the garden. We'd wanted to create a prayer garden for the community but didn't get the green light so I feel bad sometimes that Tommy and I are the main ones that get to enjoy the flowers... which made me glad that someone popped in today. I hope they at least sat under the gazebo for a little bit and just enjoyed some quiet time with God and didn't just place their mystery object and leave. I also hope they didn't p...

I spent some time working in the garden yesterday. Have I mentioned before that I love being out there? It's like an obsession... I keep finding projects to do and plants I want to fill in in certain spots. We have a few things that are flowering right now but not many. We have a few large items that I think are really cool but when I step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective the garden takes a different look. Others don't see the growth from the plants, they might see the weeds that are there but not realize that twice as many have been pulled, they don't see the blooms that were there yesterday but have dropped today. (the photos include some recent blooms but many are from last season that haven't opened yet) How often are our lives like this too? People may think we're having a bad day but don't realize that compared to the days gone by we're doing okay or celebrate the good days we've had. They don't see the internal struggles to j...

I think Carly has started a truly wonderful way of helping us connect when much of our lives feel so disconnected to others so here's Under the Tree for March. (If you haven't been before, click on the link and see what it's about and join) Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies? We moved into our house after we lost Levi and so while we have a room picked as a future nursery it hasn't ever been set up specifically for him. I have pictures of Levi around the house but the main place I feel connected is in the garden. We found an elephant fountain (as it's childlike and whimsical) and it's in the center with flowers surrounding it. There are also a few memorial items that we've gotten or have been given to us that are reminders of Levi. We've planted a few trees in the garden and other smaller flowering plants so we can watch them grow each year- an...

January hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be- the entire month is full of significant dates and I'm taking them one at a time... January 2 nd I heard Levi's heartbeat for the last time and asked my doctor about the lack of movement... January 9 th we received the news that there was no longer a heartbeat at what we expected to be a routine ultrasound appointment... January 14 th we got to meet Levi for the first time after he was delivered stillborn... January 20 th we buried Levi... January 28 th was Levi's due date. There's so much in each of the dates. This year I wasn't expecting to struggle with the 2 nd but Tommy and I had already decided to take off the 9 th -14 th which turned out to be just what we needed. The 9 th we went to some somewhat local gardens and just relaxed and enjoyed the time together without having to deal with people at all. I think because the day had started so well and Tommy had been so good to me I was able to cope ...

Last night we had some friends over for pizza & a movie. In between running around after our crazy dog one of the kids asked me if I'd had kids or was planning on it. I explained that we'd had a son who passed away, not sure how much detail to go into for a nine/ten year old. He then asked how old he was when he died and I told him it was just before he would've been born. That answer seemed to satisfy him and he continued on chasing his siblings around. Later on he came back with more questions asking the meaning of a stone in the garden (It reads: No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye; You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why). I mentioned that it was because we lost our son. He said "Yeah, I know, but what does it mean?" I wish that adults wouldn't be so afraid to ask questions and talk about what's on their mind. It seems to me that it's so much easier when Levi is apart of conversations rather than people...

I have a love hate relationship with the garden. I went out there today when I went home at lunch to let our dog out and it's a little on the disheartening side right now. It was doing really well until Fay came and it really hasn't recovered from the insane amount of rain and wind. Most of what we have are perinneals though so I'm hoping that even though they look battered at the moment they'll recover and come back next year stronger than before. Time will tell. One of the reasons I like the garden is I feel more of a connection to God out there. My relationship with God hasn't been the best recently. Right after we lost Levi I clung to the belief that God has a purpose and that good will come from his death and the longer it's been the less I see any purpose for it. Who knows- maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be able to look back and see more of the bigger picture but for now it's hard. Through it all I do have faith and believe Romans 8:28 "...

So I made it through Mother's day, barely, and now I'm struggling to figure out what to do for Tommy for Father's day... what do you get for a childless father??? I went to get him something for the garden yesterday but they didn't have what I wanted but while I was there I overheard another customer talking about her nursery and the baby that's coming any minute now. Amidst tears I ducked into a back room and busied myself looking at other items so as not to make a scene and when I finally pulled myself together quickly made a purchase and left. To top it all off the hospital called and said the pictures of Levi were back and I could pick them up at the nurse's station. I know I should have sent Tommy to get them but I was determined to make myself go and so I braved it down the maternity ward to collect the pics. It was weird, as soon as I walked into that section of the hospital I started feeling shaky and as soon as I explained why I was there my voice ...

Yesterday was three months after the c-section so Tommy & I took the day off (thanks to Tara & Rachel) and worked on a memorial garden where we can sit & think. For being a potentially rough day it wasn't too bad- I was able to think about Levi and get out my frustrations on the weeds. The yard is already pretty well lanscaped so we're adding to it but we aren't having to start from scratch. We found a really cool (but very reasonably priced) fountain with an elephant that shoots water out of it's trunk. It's very whimsical and childlike without being an angel or little kid pouring water out of a can (no offense if those are your style). Eventually we want to add some other major things but for now we'll start with the fountain. I picked out some roses too and I'm hoping the deer won't eat them. I tried rooting some of the roses from Levi's spray and for a while it looked like half of them were going to make it but one by one they ...

I’ve got so many emotions now I don’t know how to deal with them all. Tommy and I are going to be moving soon (still in Bainbridge... well just outside of Bainbridge anyway). We’d been looking at places with a realtor in December & early January and put a bid on a house before I ever went to the hospital. Yesterday was our closing and afterwards we walked through the house & started thinking about how our own things would look in each of the rooms. It was hard as we talked about which room would be the study vs the guest bedroom/nursery. I know we’ll have a baby to lay in the crib one day but instead of preparing the room for Levi we’ll be planting a memorial garden for him. I’m excited about the house but can’t help but think about the plans we originally had for it. It’s all very bittersweet. The other emotions running wild are from this morning. We had our normal Thursday morning Bible study and one of the women babysits a little baby girl no more than three months ol...