So I made it through Mother's day, barely, and now I'm struggling to figure out what to do for Tommy for Father's day... what do you get for a childless father??? I went to get him something for the garden yesterday but they didn't have what I wanted but while I was there I overheard another customer talking about her nursery and the baby that's coming any minute now. Amidst tears I ducked into a back room and busied myself looking at other items so as not to make a scene and when I finally pulled myself together quickly made a purchase and left.
To top it all off the hospital called and said the pictures of Levi were back and I could pick them up at the nurse's station. I know I should have sent Tommy to get them but I was determined to make myself go and so I braved it down the maternity ward to collect the pics. It was weird, as soon as I walked into that section of the hospital I started feeling shaky and as soon as I explained why I was there my voice started cracking and the tears started to flow. It's odd... I've seen babies in the store and I've done ok, most of the time anyway... but being on the ward was a little too much for me.
Another weird thing... I've done ok with babies that come in the store but I can't stand making drinks for pregnant women. It doesn't make me sad, it just really makes me angry because I know chances are that their baby will be just fine. I know Levi didn't die due to caffeine consumption but knowing it can cause problems and knowing I lost a baby why would people come and potentially cause harm to their baby in front of me and ask me to be an accomplice?!?
Working in the garden has helped but with the heat and mosquitoes here I don't know how much I'll be up for... we'll see. It's been slow at the store so Tommy has been working the afternoons alone and I've been going home, I think once we're actually finished with major projects around the house that'll help be a stress reliever but for now I go home and see all that needs to be done and just feel overwhelmed... we're getting there though and I can at least see progress. I understand now though why the grief books all say don't make any major changes to your life for at least a year after a major loss but I think staying in the other house would have compounded the stress even more & since we'd started the process with this house before we lost Levi we decided to just continue...
Anyway, keep us in your prayers, business is slow right now as it is everywhere else but it is just stressful. This month our 5 year anniversary coincides with the 5 month mark of our hello & goodbye with Levi and then Fathers day is the next day. When you go to church on holidays remember those of us who aren't there because it's too painful to sit through a service devoted to what we don't/can't have.
A year ago this time we were just trying to figure out the fuzzy pink lines on the pregnancy test and it was so confusing we got another one with words- pregnant and we soon started trying to figure out how we were going to balance a new baby and a new business, now I wish I'd stressed less about the business and focused more on enjoying the pregnancy. We waited until the end of the first trimester before telling friends our news but breathed easy after that... I knew a year ago that my life would be different at this time this year but I never dreamed how different life really would be.
To top it all off the hospital called and said the pictures of Levi were back and I could pick them up at the nurse's station. I know I should have sent Tommy to get them but I was determined to make myself go and so I braved it down the maternity ward to collect the pics. It was weird, as soon as I walked into that section of the hospital I started feeling shaky and as soon as I explained why I was there my voice started cracking and the tears started to flow. It's odd... I've seen babies in the store and I've done ok, most of the time anyway... but being on the ward was a little too much for me.
Another weird thing... I've done ok with babies that come in the store but I can't stand making drinks for pregnant women. It doesn't make me sad, it just really makes me angry because I know chances are that their baby will be just fine. I know Levi didn't die due to caffeine consumption but knowing it can cause problems and knowing I lost a baby why would people come and potentially cause harm to their baby in front of me and ask me to be an accomplice?!?
Working in the garden has helped but with the heat and mosquitoes here I don't know how much I'll be up for... we'll see. It's been slow at the store so Tommy has been working the afternoons alone and I've been going home, I think once we're actually finished with major projects around the house that'll help be a stress reliever but for now I go home and see all that needs to be done and just feel overwhelmed... we're getting there though and I can at least see progress. I understand now though why the grief books all say don't make any major changes to your life for at least a year after a major loss but I think staying in the other house would have compounded the stress even more & since we'd started the process with this house before we lost Levi we decided to just continue...
Anyway, keep us in your prayers, business is slow right now as it is everywhere else but it is just stressful. This month our 5 year anniversary coincides with the 5 month mark of our hello & goodbye with Levi and then Fathers day is the next day. When you go to church on holidays remember those of us who aren't there because it's too painful to sit through a service devoted to what we don't/can't have.
A year ago this time we were just trying to figure out the fuzzy pink lines on the pregnancy test and it was so confusing we got another one with words- pregnant and we soon started trying to figure out how we were going to balance a new baby and a new business, now I wish I'd stressed less about the business and focused more on enjoying the pregnancy. We waited until the end of the first trimester before telling friends our news but breathed easy after that... I knew a year ago that my life would be different at this time this year but I never dreamed how different life really would be.
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