Life After Levi

So I wasn't quite as ready or as strong as I thought I was... I went to my first baby shower today for someone I've been friends with since I was in diapers. I really thought I'd be ok... I know I struggled with the reunion last weekend but I thought this weekend would be different- this time the focus would be only on her- not on an entire group of people with kids. I was wrong. Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't. I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at ...

I'm happy being the hands and feet of Christ but the mouth... I feel totally inadequate. Ok so I feel inadequate next to Christ period but I'm always at a loss for what to say to other people. I got a call the other day... I knew it'd come one day but I still felt unprepared. One of the women who received a kit at the hospital called me in tears. She lost her sweet son recently. I listened more than speaking because I know that's what most people need anyways- there's nothing anyone can say to fix another's pain- but there were times I was at such a loss for words of comfort that she asked if I was still on the line. The pain in her voice... I know that pain. After we hung up I remained shaky for a little while and her cries still resonate with me. ************************************************************** I had to deliver two more kits to the hospital and when I took them into the maternity wing there was a newborn crying as the nurses were swaddling him. B...

Last night I talked to one of my pregnant friends. We'd been playing phone tag for a while and we last talked over a month ago. I listened to her message as she appoligetically told me she was sorry it'd been a while since she'd returned my call but it'd been a rough couple of weeks. I hoped she was referring to the long bout of morning sickness she'd experienced but dreaded hearing that perhaps she'd lost the baby. I struggle so much trying not to be resentful & envious of pregnant friends but I can't bear hearing that not everything is going smoothly. I don't want anyone to know the pain I've known. I quickly called her back and she first told me of the everyday trials that had come her way lately, a dead battery which complicated things at work, mounting bills, etc and then she told me of her most recent ultrasound... she found out she's having a girl... but might also have ovarian cancer. As much as I know what words of comfort I w...

Last night we had some friends over for pizza & a movie. In between running around after our crazy dog one of the kids asked me if I'd had kids or was planning on it. I explained that we'd had a son who passed away, not sure how much detail to go into for a nine/ten year old. He then asked how old he was when he died and I told him it was just before he would've been born. That answer seemed to satisfy him and he continued on chasing his siblings around. Later on he came back with more questions asking the meaning of a stone in the garden (It reads: No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye; You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why). I mentioned that it was because we lost our son. He said "Yeah, I know, but what does it mean?" I wish that adults wouldn't be so afraid to ask questions and talk about what's on their mind. It seems to me that it's so much easier when Levi is apart of conversations rather than people...

Today one of our regulars brought her niece in with her. She was adorable and all smiles. As we made a drink in the blender she looked in it's direction, intrigued by the new sound. I normally don't ask how old the babies are that come in but this time I just couldn't help myself. Her aunt told me she's nine months. I should've known. If Levi had lived he'd be that age too. Since it was a little girl it was a little easier but seeing her curiosity and smiles made my heart ache for him. I'm glad I asked though because I always wonder what milestones Levi would be hitting and since I don't have any other kids I really don't have a point of reference so this in a way actually was therapeutic.

Tommy & I were talking last night about how robbed we feel... some people may think it's been enough time to stop dwelling on our loss & focusing on the future. On one hand it's been five months... on the other hand it's only been five months... if Levi were with us he'd be smiling right now and reaching for things, he'd be lifting his head and babbling. He'd still be very much a baby and we'd still very much be new parents. One of our customers came in today as I was trying to figure out when we'd be closing up for Father's day & our anniversary and started talking about how we needed to stay open for the consistancy of our customers... and we shouldn't close up just to go "play at the beach". I think this is the first time a customer's comments have actually hurt... we closed for a week while I was in the hospital and then started opening for half days but besides that the doors have been open. I quickly explained ...

So I made it through Mother's day, barely, and now I'm struggling to figure out what to do for Tommy for Father's day... what do you get for a childless father??? I went to get him something for the garden yesterday but they didn't have what I wanted but while I was there I overheard another customer talking about her nursery and the baby that's coming any minute now. Amidst tears I ducked into a back room and busied myself looking at other items so as not to make a scene and when I finally pulled myself together quickly made a purchase and left. To top it all off the hospital called and said the pictures of Levi were back and I could pick them up at the nurse's station. I know I should have sent Tommy to get them but I was determined to make myself go and so I braved it down the maternity ward to collect the pics. It was weird, as soon as I walked into that section of the hospital I started feeling shaky and as soon as I explained why I was there my voice ...

There's an elephant in the room. He's my elephant, though I didn't ask for him. Some people are afraid of my elephant and me, but my elephant won't hurt them, nor is he contagious. They won't be given their own elephant just because they've reached out and touched mine. There's an elephant in the room. Some people ask about my elephant from afar but try not to notice him when they come into my room. Even when I leave my room my elephant comes with me. My elephant doesn't belong in a zoo or circus, he is my elephant to bear the burden of. There's an elephant in the room. I let people pretend they don't notice my elephant, then I just care for my elephant alone later. I know they've never had their own elephant to care for and aren't used to the looks and smells of mine. Some people have there own elephants and tell me how they've lived with theirs but have a hard time discussing mine. I think they might be scared that my elephant might...

I’ve got so many emotions now I don’t know how to deal with them all. Tommy and I are going to be moving soon (still in Bainbridge... well just outside of Bainbridge anyway). We’d been looking at places with a realtor in December & early January and put a bid on a house before I ever went to the hospital. Yesterday was our closing and afterwards we walked through the house & started thinking about how our own things would look in each of the rooms. It was hard as we talked about which room would be the study vs the guest bedroom/nursery. I know we’ll have a baby to lay in the crib one day but instead of preparing the room for Levi we’ll be planting a memorial garden for him. I’m excited about the house but can’t help but think about the plans we originally had for it. It’s all very bittersweet. The other emotions running wild are from this morning. We had our normal Thursday morning Bible study and one of the women babysits a little baby girl no more than three months ol...